It's that time again where I attempt to answer some hate mail. If you read yesterday's post, then you will be happy to hear that every piece of hate mail today was culled by me with specific note to yesterday's post. Let's get started, shall we.
Bill from Toronto, Canada wrote:
"What the fuck was that? You wrote a fake pilot with some shitty plot involving greed and how it corrupts us to the point of destruction. Gay. I could write a better draft while taking a shit in my bathtub. You suck."
First of all, when do you ever see a rough draft about the future that includes the theory that greed will be the thing to do us in? I'd say that I at least score some points there. Second, why in God's name would you take a shit in your bathtub? And third, saying "you suck" is a blatant cop-out of an insult. You honestly couldn't come up with anything more creative? "You suck" coming from the man who claims that he can, no less, write an entire story draft while simultaneously shitting in his bathtub.
Pete from Anchorage, Alaska wrote:
"That story outline you wrote was a complete waste of my time. I just lost ten minutes of my life reading that. I hope that you're happy."
Yes, I am happy. I am, at this very moment, laughing at the fact that you bitch to me about wasting your time, yet you just wasted your own time writing a shitty piece of hate mail to me. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you irony.
Paulie from Gainsville, South Carolina wrote:
"Lance MacGuffin is a uninspired and faggotty name."
I respect your opinion about the name being "faggotty", but uninspired? I used the word MacGuffin because the literal definition of the word is "to act as nothing more then a vehicle to move the plotline along". This relates to the fact that Lance acts as nothing more then a narrator and example of the real story that is the deconstruction of society by way of it's lust for greed. Next time, learn to read between the fucking lines, you faggot. What kind of a name is Paulie anyway? It's so faggotty and uninspired.
This is a new segment where I debut an original short story that I feel might have the trappings of the beginnings of a movie or T.V. show. Feel free to provide me with feedback at vaf89@hotmail.com. Your feedback will be evaluated and commented on in a special "Mailbag" segment to be posted tomorrow. Enjoy.
3001: A space tragedy
It is the year 3001. Our world is one of ruin and peril. Humans have been relegated to the role of “pitiful warrior” under the rule of President Nixon. Let me explain. My name is Lance MacGuffin, and this is my story.
Around 2350 our best and brightest scientists discovered a way to keep humans alive…somewhat. You see, they weren’t able to revive human bodies, but instead, were able to revive human brains and tissue. Basically, this allowed for dead people to have their heads revived and placed into glass containers that are filled with serum X159(a liquid that, in lemans terms, allows the head to function, think, and talk). Thus entered a time of awe and wondrous amazement at the reality that our deceased family members could now be brought back from death to live with us all again, albeit in a lesser form.
Fast forward to the Earth election of the year 2999. Every single President that ever held the office is now in the current running. Washington, Lincoln, and Gore(elected in 2008 as the Green party candidate) were all close front-runners up until Nixon threw his hat into the ring. The time we lived in just a few years ago was one of absolutely zero worry. So, while Washington, Lincoln, and Gore were touting a strategy of diplomacy, Nixon held onto a platform loaded with grand promises of unattainable wealth and fortune to be granted to all humans. He threw out one crazy fishing line, but, for some reason, people bit. Nixon won with the biggest landslide in voting history with 87% of all Earth voters. I remember saying that day: May God have mercy on us all.
Within the first few months of his tenure, Nixon gave every man, woman, and child on Earth $1,000,000. It was meant to be a quick fix to any and all problems that the average family might encounter. But with great wealth came great power, and with great power comes great responsibility. Responsibility that the people of Earth were not ready to handle. People took their money and became power-hungry. People used the money to buy protection: weapons, security systems, hired muscle. People slowly became defensive. They grew to believe that everyone was out to steal their possessions, of which were vast. Arguments became riots, and riots became bloodbaths. People had grown to become too materialistic. The National Guard couldn’t break up the riots because the people starting the riots were able to afford weapons and defense equipment that was on par, if not better, then theirs. This brings me to the present day: The Apocalypse.
The Apocalypse did not come in the form of four horsemen. It came in the form of six billion people that have way too much money and no way to control their lust for greed. I live in a small system of underground tunnels that were left behind from the war of 2476. I am surrounded with the few people, like me, that did not fall for Nixon’s cop-out of a platform. We return to the surface only to stock up on food and water, nothing else. I have no family. My wife and daughter were killed by surface dwellers that had literally gone crazy with power. Power that was given to them by their wealth. Wealth that was given to them by Nixon.
I used to spend my days playing with my little girl in the backyard and making love to my wife. Now my days are filled with playing mind games to keep occupied and making love to a bottle of water that I pretend is whiskey. I can remember times of great joy: watching my daughter run off to her first day of preschool, marrying my wife, spending time together with close friends. Now I can remember more recent times of great fear and sadness: the day the riots started, the time that a surface dweller found our hideout and I was forced to kill him, and the day my family was taken from me way too soon.
Nixon? I don’t know what happened to him. Maybe he jumped on Space Force One and fled to the Moon colony. Hopefully, maybe the surface dwellers realized what had become of them and decided to destroy the root of their problem. Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me now. All I am concerned about is living to write to you[someone, anyone] another day. For when this moment in history passes, it must never be forgotten. It must be used as an example of what can happen when greed and power get into the hands of many.
Greed has turned a once peaceful race into an army of pitiful warriors: people who fight for survival in a battle that never had to happen yet is now necessary if you absolutely desire to stay alive.
* Halloween. Yes, there will be a few Halloween blogs in the works for the next few weeks. So stop asking me.
* November. I'm waiting for Halloween to be over before I start posting more interviews again. Believe me when I tell you that I have some pretty interesting people lined up. They're just all penciled in for November.
* Christmas. Christmas? Yes, Christmas. I am going to be taking my next extended(week long) break the week of Christmas. As such, I am planning a huge blowout of rare and previously unreleased postings and essays penned by yours truly. It will be my Christmas gift to you all. What will this mean/entail? See the next bulletin.
* My Christmas gift of B-sides and rarities will include:
- Full length threads started by me from various message boards. - The best posts of mine from various message boards. - Links to the top 5 blogs of mine from this site this year. - Humorous editorials from my high school years. - College essays of mine that may or may not interest you. - And a "failed interview" that makes my interview with Patton Oswalt look phenomenal by comparison(more details on who the "failed interview" was with in December).
Only real Beastie Boys fans bothered to pick up a copy of their latest album "The Mix-Up" this past summer. Which is a damn shame. The album got a bum rap from casual fans due to the fact that it was an album compiled of all original instrumentals.
These instrumentals were a cool blend of rock, funk, and hip-hop that solidified the genius of the Beastie Boys for those who were ever on the fence. I guarantee that a good handful of these tracks will find their way onto several movie soundtracks in the coming years.
People forget that one of the reasons that the Beastie Boys have such high credibility is because, unlike most hip-hop artists that use rock music, they actually compose and play their own stuff. Not only that, but what they play is actually surprisingly well thought out and well crafted.
Don't believe me? Give a listen to "Off the grid"(track 7) and I dare you to not echo the thoughts of the last paragraph.
Today, New York Yankee management went down to their Florida training camp to decide on the fate of manager Joe Torre.
What is there to discuss? The guy got the Yankees to the playoffs every single year of his tenure so far. Why fire him? Oh, because he hasn't won a World Series in seven years. Whaaaaa! Cry me a fucking river.
God forbid the Yankees don't win five World Series' in a fucking row. Most teams could only dream of making it to the playoffs every year. In my opinion, once a team makes it to the playoffs it's up to the players to push themselves and get motivated enough to win.
The Cubs haven't won a title in 86 years, you don't hear them bitching and moaning over it. George Steinbrenner needs to die already and let more capable hands manage his million dollar Mexicans.
Besides, how can you blame the Yankees choking in the playoffs on Torre? Was Torre the one who was pitching shitty or striking out at bat? I think not. What about Gay-Rod? If anything, fire his overpaid ass for choking for the third straight year in the playoffs.
Bottom line: Leave Torre be, fire A-Rod, and may George Steinbrenner die a quick and painful death befitting of the cold, heartless bastard he is.
Today marked a new era in television history. The Price is Right began it's 36th season run sans Bob Barker. Instead, Drew Carey takes the helm of the greatest game show in history. And it's not bad.
Seriously, it's actually pretty damn good. Carey actually bring something to the table that Barker never could have: the ability to tell jokes and crack wise. While Barker was certainly the most respected and professional host around, he still came across a bit cold. It always felt as if you could easily piss him off by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Carey, on the other hand, is the proverbial everyman. Not to mention that he looks like he jumped out of 1973, with his army cut hair and thick glasses. This style keeps in line one very important aspect of The Price is Right: timelessness. It's been the same game for years and it's great every time. The whole retro-70s look has been a staple of the show forever. Why change it?
I think that the future of our favorite game show is in good hands. So the next time you're out sick or don't have class around 11:00am, have no fear. Your favorite t.v. pastime is still fun, still retro-comfort t.v., and still full of college students and old people freaking out about the chance to win a shitty dinette set and matching golf clubs.
This week's live cut is of Slipknot performing "The Heretic Anthem" live on Conan, airdate August 15, 2000. Remember: all month long we're celebrating Halloween by bringing you rare, live sets from the darkest relms of the Metal universe. Enjoy.
I'm well aware that Queens of the Stone Age released their latest album over the past summer. But, while it sold well, it didn't sell as well as people thought it would. In my opinion, it will eventually be their one album that, when people look back on their entire discography, will be seen as the underrated album.
It has a unique sound to it, as every Queens... album does. This is due to the fact that no two albums are ever recorded by the same lineup. Lead singer, Josh Homme, makes damn sure that people get a fresh experience every time they listen to a new album. If for no other reason, this is why you should give this album a listen if you passed over it during summer.
The sound is very cold and robotic. This is a good thing. What I'm saying is that it feels as if they somehow took guitars, drums, bass, a powerdrill, and fire, put them in a blender and churned out an album.
Young James was feeling quite bored one day and decided to spice things up. So he went to his kitchen, and while preparing dinner for him and his roommate, decided to relieve his bladder into the chicken noodle soup. Thus, transforming it from chicken noodle soup into pee soup. When his roommate came home, he sat down and drank the entire pee soup, complaining throughout that it "tasted a little funny". Well, the roommate wasn't laughing when he found out that James had pissed in his soup. He punched James in the face and stormed out of the apartment, never to return there again.
For taking a piss in your friend's chicken noodle soup, I crown you, James Conti, this month's "Asshole of the month"!
The New York Times is reporting that Broadway may go on strike next week. The only question left to ask: Who gives a shit?
I honestly don't know one person who has ever been even remotely passionate about going to see a play(on Broadway or off). The only people who have major hard-ons for musicals are chubby girls who had no friends in high school, drama club fags, and 90 year old women who are close to grim death.
Why would I go to see a bunch of flamboyant "actors" play dress-up and sing showtunes, when I could be at home watching people beat the shit out of each other in "300" on a crystal-clear high-definition television? It doesn't make sense.
"Oh, but what about "The Producers"? It was a comedy that only the likes of Broadway could make shine."
Fuck "The Producers" on Broadway! They took a great Mel Brooks classic and fagged it all up. Nathan Lane? Come on. And God knows that Matthew Broderick hasn't been funny, nor relevant since "Ferris Buellers Day Off".
Face it, Broadway, you're washed up, a has-been, you're old news. The future[present] is in motion pictures and new-fangled digital video discs. The lights are on, but nobody's home. You're just like grandpa: old, dated, and even though you're still alive, nobody cares enough to visit you anymore.
America has completely gone down the shithole. From the media to the culture, and the people who make up both. America has nothing to [willingly]stride for anymore.
We used to be a country the strided to one day create citizens and role-models that would rival the British Royal Family in their heyday. We were close to it, back in the first half of the twentieth century. But now look at our "royalty".
After J.F.K. Jr. died, America's "royalty" went to shit. Now people like Britney Spears and the Hilton family are considered America's high society. Are you fucking kidding me? How did this happen? It boggles the mind on a level that the human brain simply can't comprehend.
There were no set chain of events that led to this decline. It just happened out of thin air. That's what perplexes me. How could the definition of American high-class be raped of it's glory in one fell swoop?
This very topic itself contains so little logic that would point towards an answer that the whole thing becomes painfully redundant. That's fucking sad. What happened to you, America? You've settled on a roadside skank, when you know that you could easily marry perfection.
It's time again to venture into the bowels of the most popular classified section in America: Craigslist. This month's selection comes from the "Items Wanted" section of the San Fransisco Craigslist.
Subject: "Human Skull"
"I am looking for anyone who has recently had a passing in their family. I am seeking a generous person who would be willing to donate their deceased family member's skull to me. I will pay you upwards of $5,000 for the skull(depending on it's size, shape, color...etc).
You may be wondering why, exactly, I require the human skull? Well, I am a Satanist. This month I am hosting a Halloween ritual in which I require a [human]skull to drink pig blood from. If you want me to go into more detail about what the ritual will mean for your loved one's deceased head, contact me at 1-(315)-***-****. But you can rest assured that the skull will be treated with the utmost care and dignity during the sacred ritual.
You are free to come and join in the ritual as well, so long as you have confirmed that the skull, in fact, belongs to a member of your immediate family.
I'm starting a new segment in which I look back and examine different periods in U.S. history. Today I will be focusing on the 1950's.
The fifties. The world was a much different place back then. People were enjoying the music of bands like the Beach Boys, Jay Black and the Americans, and Elvis(pre-morbid obesity and drug use). Air raid and nuclear fallout drills were all the rage. Blacks drank from separate fountains and took seats in the backs of public buses from sea to shining sea. Fads like surfing and racism were sweeping the nation. It was truly a great time to be alive.
Now look at us. Music has gone to shit. We actually need to bring back those nuclear fallout drills. Black people roam free in the night. Surfing isn't as popular, but racism is hotter then ever. Isn't that right, Michael Richards?
Even though this was a time of "innocence" in America, there was some pretty heavy shit going down in the backdrop of the decade. When you really think about it, it was a pretty fucking scary time to be alive. There was the threat of war at any moment. Race riots were common everyday happenings. Disease ran rampant.
Nowadays, we are actually part of several wars. Race riots happen in places like schools now. Diseases of the past, like Polio, are virtually eliminated, but now we have AIDs to deal with instead.
Was it really more care-free back then? Or are we possibly safer now?
* Guests. Not this week, but in the weeks to come, I will be posting more interviews with comics and personalities. So there.
* October. All month long, in honor of October being the month where Rock music seems to be king, I will be posting reviews of new albums as well as a few albums that you may have overlooked from this past year. So if you notice a strange abundance of music reviews, don't say I didn't tell you about it. Also, I refuse to call it "Rocktober". Something about it just feels lame. In other words: I don't want 500 e-mails telling me to call this month "Rocktober", because it's not happening.
* Theme week. Yes, the next theme week will be the week of Halloween. It will begin the Friday before Halloween and will go until Wednesday(Halloween).
* Saturday night live. All month long, the very popular segment of live sets from great artists: "Saturday night live" will be filled with artists that embody the black heart of heavy metal in honor of Halloween.
This month's serving of extra material that was cut for quality and length includes extra material from my interview with SNL's Will Forte, as well as a post about the MTV Video Music Awards that got cut because of length and redundancy. Enjoy.
This week's guest: Will Forte[bonus content]...
12. Out of all the guest hosts, Christopher Walken seems to be the one that everyone wants to know more about. Any interesting stories about him from a time when he hosted?
No. Not really. He hasn't hosted in a while and the last time he hosted, I was still pretty nervous around the hosts. So I never got a chance to really get to know him.
The last train[wreck] to obscurity...
The VMAs were last night, and MTV has officially killed the last shred of musical programming on it's network.
From the fact that their musical "performances" were nothing more then ringtone length clips of songs, to the notion that MTV's "savior" would come in the form of a chubby, scantily-clad, has-been, lip-syncing, sorry excuse for a human life, also known as Brittany Spears. This shit literally writes itself. By posting a story about this debacle would only prove to be time-wasting and redundant.
You already know how to feel about this one. There's no need for me to spell any of it out for you.
It's that time again. The time, each month, where I dig into my hundreds of e-mails and filter out only the best of the worst to be answered. "The Vaf89 Mailbag". Enjoy.
Frank from Georgia writes:
"In regard to your post about Dr. Seuss being gay, what evidence do you have to support such a brazen and childish claim? Or are you just making it all up? Maybe you're such a terrible blogger that you feel the need to mislead your readers and go off on wild rants about the sexual orientation of one of our greatest childhood heroes. It's people like you that make the terrorists hate us."
First of all, I severely doubt that I'm the reason that the terrorists hate us. If anything, they would love me for potentially soiling the legacy of one of America's most beloved childhood icons.
Second, I never actually claimed to have any evidence whatsoever that he was gay. I simply just went on a wild rant involving comical bulletpoints that made light of the fact that many of his books(intended for children, mind you) contained many homosexual innuendos. But to answer your question: Yes. I did make up everything in that post. Instead of being original and stealing jokes and ideas from somewhere else, I decided to come up with my own jokes and banter, and put them into print. Fucking idiot.
Now go run along and daydream of razorblades and pointless, silent rebellion.
Pete from Florida writes:
"How can you honestly say that Kanye West sucks? Where are your millions of dollars in album sales?"
I never said that he wasn't successful. I simply just said that he is a terrible artist that just so happens to be appealing to stupid white kids between the ages of 12-16 who live in large suburban areas, while simultaneously setting black people back 50 years. It's people like Kanye West that make the word "nigger" feel so right, when you know it's so wrong.
As for his millions of dollars in album sales, I hope that he loses all of it in a tragedy worse then 9-11, Pearl Harbor, and Hurricane Katrina combined. Also, like me, you too don't have millions of dollars in album sales. But, unlike me, you bought into his bullshit, subsequently adding to his millions of dollars. You should feel proud of yourself for successfully becoming a corporate tool.
As a staff member and reviewer for my local radio station(WSIA 88.9fm New York), I receive advance copies of all the new music that comes out several days or even a couple of weeks in advance. Recently I received an advance copy of the Foo Fighters new album "Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace".
To describe this latest offering from them as a solid effort would be a gross understatement. This might just be their best album since 1996's "The Colour and the Shape". "Echoes.." mixes some of the Foo Fighters strongest hard rock to date with some of their greatest acoustic work to date.
The album starts off with "The Pretender", "Let it Die", and "Erase/Replace". All solid tracks of stylized rock excellence. Then the album moves into more acoustic territory, but quickly jump right back into familiar territory to their last album "Skin and Bones".
It's tracks like the aforementioned "Let it Die" that make you realize how much better Linkin Park's latest album could have been. In other words: This album puts every other major rock album that was released this year to shame and shows you how the big boys do it.
Only the Foo Fighters could successfully create an album that brings together the best aspects of hard rock and acoustic offerings.
This past week, Iranian leader, and Steve Carrell look-a-like, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, spoke at Columbia University. This sparked the outrage of Americans from sea to shining sea.
Why is the leader of Iran, the nation that funded the destruction of the twin towers, getting to speak as a guest of honor at a major U.S. university? It makes no sense whatsoever. I like when people assume that this is a free speech issue. It’s not.
It’s simple logic and how you want to represent yourself. Is it logical to invite the head of a dictatorship to speak in a university that is located in the middle of a city that he helped to fund the partial destruction of? No. Is it a good idea to have that man speak to young, impressionable minds in an open forum about how he has no homosexuals in his country[because he killed them all]? Hell no.
Quite frankly, fuck the leader of Iran. He came to our country, spoke his evil rhetoric, got bad press, and he deserves every bit of it. He doesn’t deserve the right to come to our nation at all, let alone speak in it. He is a terrorist. Would you invite Osama Bin Laden to speak at N.Y.U.? I think not.
Yes, it's finally here. Yes, it's fucking awesome. Yes, people spend WAY too much time playing it.
I still can't believe that people are taking days and weeks off work to play a game. A game. At the end of the day, I like Halo 3 as much as the next guy, but i'm not going to leave my job to play, what boils down to, a game(a fucking awesome game, but a game none the less).
Read my lips: Get out of your parent's basement and experience fresh air, sunshine, companionship, and most importantly, life! Do you realize how much time some people have wasted playing Halo? Literally, whole years worth of time. Time that could have been spent making REAL friends, getting a job, studying enough to get over a 900 on the S.A.T.s.
LIVE, goddammit, LIVE! Get outside and live your life as if it were the last day on earth. Because one day it will be, and you will just be stuck with a stack of Hustlers, a pile of Hot Pocket wrappers, and a wasted life, my friends.
This week's live cut is from Queens Of The Stone Age performing "Little Sister" live on SNL on July 5, 2005. Keep your eyes peeled halfway into the video for a special appearance from a cowbell wielding Will Ferrell.
The long-running Saturday Night Live cast member, star of "Beerfest" and "The Brothers Solomon", and former writer for "That 70's Show" took some time out this week to grant a fellow Forte an interview. Just in case you haven't seen Will on SNL before(or you've just been living under a rock), posted below the interview is one of Will's most famous sketches, involving him and a certain 2007 Super Bowl winning quarterback. Enjoy, and for the record, Will and I are not related to each other.
1. How did you first get interested in wanting to get into comedy?
I'm not sure. I think I always wanted to do it but got serious about it a few years after getting out of college.
2. How did you end up landing a spot on SNL?
I was doing shows at the Groundlings while I was working at That 70s Show as a writer and one night Lorne Michaels came to see one of our shows. I got lucky and had a good show that night and Lorne asked me to come audition for the show.
3. Any funny, behind-the-scenes-type, stories from SNL that involve you and that week's host?
There are a bunch of funny things that have happened. The weirdest thing that ever happened was the week that Matthew McConaughey hosted. We have a meeting in between our dress rehearsal show and the live show where we find out what makes it onto the show. All of us were in Lorne's office, including Matthew who was wearing a sarong with no shirt for some reason. One of my sketches had been cut so I was just bummed out, staring at a fixed point in the room for a while. Suddenly, I sensed that there was a head attached to this fixed point I was staring at. When I focused, I realized that the fixed point I was staring at was Matthew's bare chest and he totally caught me. Anyway, I started looking all over the room to make it seem like I wasn't just looking at his chest. But to him, it just seemed like I was checking out his chest for a good long while.
4. Sketch that you are most proud of?
I did a Spelling Bee sketch on the Jack Black show. I used to do that at the Groundlings and it's always been one of my favorites. And then last year, I got to do a sketch with Peyton Manning where I was a coach trying to motivate my team by playing this stupid song and dancing to it. And I just had a really fun time doing it.
5. I heard somewhere that you used to work on "That 70's Show". What was your job on that show?
I was a writer on the show. It was one of the best jobs ever. We had a great time and the hours were really good. And that's rare for a writing job.
6. What music are you currently listening to on your iPod?
I'm really into Deerhoof at the moment.
7. TV shows you are currently watching?
I've been watching the Bret Michaels dating show, Rock of Love. But I'm waiting for Lost and 24 to start up again.
8. What was it like to portray President Bush?
I don't do Bush anymore. It was fun while I was doing it, but it was hard for me. I'm not very good at doing impressions, so I was always in my head about it. But Jason Sudeikis is doing it now and he does a great job with it, so it all worked out for the best.
9. When you die, what do you want God to say to you at the pearly gates?
Welcome. This is where you will be living now.
10. Any upcoming projects that you would like to plug?
The Brothers Solomon just came out and SNL starts up on September 29. So check them both out!
11. Any random words of advice for the readers?
Just do what you think is funny. Don't worry about what other people tell you to do. If you think it's funny, then you've succeeded!
He really doesn't. All he cares about is pushing his latest, shitty, ego-centric album on you. If his new album sucks so bad, then why has it sold so extraordinarily well? Hype. All hype. It's the key smoke-and-mirrors element to selling hit albums when the hit albums in question suck.
When an album is so bad that good, honest, old-fashioned reliable fan bases, aware and informed casual listeners, and word-of-mouth just won't due, hype is the one key ingredient to ensure that stupid people everywhere will simply just assume that your album is worth more then it really is.
When in reality it is merely just a collection of shitty lyrics recorded over samples of other people's "real" music. It probably takes Kanye West five hours(if that) and a Mr. Microphone to record one of his crap-tastic albums, and you people all just run out and buy them like they're the greatest thing since The Beatles' White Album.
The bottom line is that all Kanye West cares about is feeding his unbelievably huge, Stalin-esque ego. And congratulations America, you've just helped his succeed!
