Monday, April 30, 2007

4/30/07- Hockey Monkey...

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For the past few years my favorite sport, hockey, has been in a popularity slump ever since the 2004-2005 season lockout. Here now are just two of my many ideas on how to spice up the greatest game on ice and get it back into good standing with the general public.

First of all, move the games back to ESPN. There is absolutely no reason why hockey is on at three o'clock on NBC on Sundays and on the "Verses" network prime time lineup. What the fuck is Verses anyway? Other than hockey I can't name one single program on Verses if you had a gun to my head. Seriously. What the fuck is this channel supposed to be? For all I know it could be showing gay polar bears scrubbing Michael Moore's fat liberal taint with Crisco rags for three hour blocks each day at four in the afternoon. I simply don't know.

Next, and lastly, hockey needs a good halftime show. For years other sports like football and basketball have been treated to world-class entertainment from around the U.S. Well now it's hockey's turn. My halftime show will be the greatest spectacle on ice, as well as anywhere else for that matter. It involves ten monkeys skating out onto the ice during the second period intermission to the opening theme from "Fight Club" while wearing Greeco-Roman gladiator outfits and wielding machetes. As each monkey is gleefully skating around the rink, a loud buzzer sounds, thus disrupting the monkeys concentration and whipping them into a mad frenzy. Now that the monkeys are riled up they quickly stumble across the ice in an angry and futile attempt to find out which one of the other monkeys set off the pre-planted buzzer. When the little hairy culprit can't be found they simply just hack and slash their way to freedom in a wild panic until only one simeon remains in a rink now covered in monkey blood and hairy animal limbs. But it will be the paying audience who gets the last laugh, as the Death Zamboni emerges at the end of the bloody brawl to clean up the mess. It's two missions: to eliminate all of the blood and fur from the well as the remaining monkey.

Just a thought.