Friday, May 11, 2007

5/11/07- Spiderman 3: The Crying Game...

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By this time, Spiderman 3 has probably made at least half a billion dollars worldwide at the box-office. But if I can just detract one person from going to see this piece of crap, then I've done my job.

I won't bore you with the plot because A) You probably know it already if you cared enough to read this review, thus implying that you were already interested in seeing it. and/or B) Seriously, it's boring and I don't waste my time boring you to death when I could just use arbitrary bullet points to point out it's flaws. Which is what I will do now.

* First of all, someone needs to tell Kirsten Dunst that nobody cares about her singing, or even cares about her at this point in the spiderman movies for that matter. She is such a whiny little bitch. She has not one, but TWO singing roles in this movie. I wanted to take two knives and shove them in my ears to distract me from the pain(she fucking sucks). That, and she cries in nearly every other scene in the movie. Just shut the fuck up already and marry spiderman. I don't get it. Why is she so hesitant to marry him? He's spiderman! He's loved by all and can fly around the city with webs and climb up fucking walls! What other husband on earth can do even just one of those things?

* Venom. Venom is Fucking awesome! But......he shows up about 10 minutes before the movie ends. And dies almost immediately. And when he takes his mask off and reveals himself to be Eric Foreman from "That 70's Show", I almost want to give him a wedgie and flush his head in the toilet. 'Nuff said.

* Peter Parker disco dancing through New York with cheesy background music while pointing at ladies like a pervert just acquitted on charges of beating his wife. Again, 'nuff said.

* And last, but certainly not least, Sandman. Lets see. If I could pick one villain to pit Spiderman against, it most certainly would NOT be Sandman. Sandman!? Are you fucking kidding me? Are we really scraping the bottom of the barrel this soon? A villain made of fucking sand is the best they could come up with? Dr. Octopus has big metal tentacles, Green Goblin has bombs and a cool hover board, Sand man into fucking sand? That's cool, I guess? No.

Bottom line: If you want to see a high-flying, web-slinging adventure this weekend, then go rent Spiderman 2. You'll be much happier.