Today, New York Yankee management went down to their Florida training camp to decide on the fate of manager Joe Torre.
What is there to discuss? The guy got the Yankees to the playoffs every single year of his tenure so far. Why fire him? Oh, because he hasn't won a World Series in seven years. Whaaaaa! Cry me a fucking river.
God forbid the Yankees don't win five World Series' in a fucking row. Most teams could only dream of making it to the playoffs every year. In my opinion, once a team makes it to the playoffs it's up to the players to push themselves and get motivated enough to win.
The Cubs haven't won a title in 86 years, you don't hear them bitching and moaning over it. George Steinbrenner needs to die already and let more capable hands manage his million dollar Mexicans.
Besides, how can you blame the Yankees choking in the playoffs on Torre? Was Torre the one who was pitching shitty or striking out at bat? I think not. What about Gay-Rod? If anything, fire his overpaid ass for choking for the third straight year in the playoffs.
Bottom line: Leave Torre be, fire A-Rod, and may George Steinbrenner die a quick and painful death befitting of the cold, heartless bastard he is.
Today marked a new era in television history. The Price is Right began it's 36th season run sans Bob Barker. Instead, Drew Carey takes the helm of the greatest game show in history. And it's not bad.
Seriously, it's actually pretty damn good. Carey actually bring something to the table that Barker never could have: the ability to tell jokes and crack wise. While Barker was certainly the most respected and professional host around, he still came across a bit cold. It always felt as if you could easily piss him off by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Carey, on the other hand, is the proverbial everyman. Not to mention that he looks like he jumped out of 1973, with his army cut hair and thick glasses. This style keeps in line one very important aspect of The Price is Right: timelessness. It's been the same game for years and it's great every time. The whole retro-70s look has been a staple of the show forever. Why change it?
I think that the future of our favorite game show is in good hands. So the next time you're out sick or don't have class around 11:00am, have no fear. Your favorite t.v. pastime is still fun, still retro-comfort t.v., and still full of college students and old people freaking out about the chance to win a shitty dinette set and matching golf clubs.
This week's live cut is of Slipknot performing "The Heretic Anthem" live on Conan, airdate August 15, 2000. Remember: all month long we're celebrating Halloween by bringing you rare, live sets from the darkest relms of the Metal universe. Enjoy.
I'm well aware that Queens of the Stone Age released their latest album over the past summer. But, while it sold well, it didn't sell as well as people thought it would. In my opinion, it will eventually be their one album that, when people look back on their entire discography, will be seen as the underrated album.
It has a unique sound to it, as every Queens... album does. This is due to the fact that no two albums are ever recorded by the same lineup. Lead singer, Josh Homme, makes damn sure that people get a fresh experience every time they listen to a new album. If for no other reason, this is why you should give this album a listen if you passed over it during summer.
The sound is very cold and robotic. This is a good thing. What I'm saying is that it feels as if they somehow took guitars, drums, bass, a powerdrill, and fire, put them in a blender and churned out an album.
Young James was feeling quite bored one day and decided to spice things up. So he went to his kitchen, and while preparing dinner for him and his roommate, decided to relieve his bladder into the chicken noodle soup. Thus, transforming it from chicken noodle soup into pee soup. When his roommate came home, he sat down and drank the entire pee soup, complaining throughout that it "tasted a little funny". Well, the roommate wasn't laughing when he found out that James had pissed in his soup. He punched James in the face and stormed out of the apartment, never to return there again.
For taking a piss in your friend's chicken noodle soup, I crown you, James Conti, this month's "Asshole of the month"!
The New York Times is reporting that Broadway may go on strike next week. The only question left to ask: Who gives a shit?
I honestly don't know one person who has ever been even remotely passionate about going to see a play(on Broadway or off). The only people who have major hard-ons for musicals are chubby girls who had no friends in high school, drama club fags, and 90 year old women who are close to grim death.
Why would I go to see a bunch of flamboyant "actors" play dress-up and sing showtunes, when I could be at home watching people beat the shit out of each other in "300" on a crystal-clear high-definition television? It doesn't make sense.
"Oh, but what about "The Producers"? It was a comedy that only the likes of Broadway could make shine."
Fuck "The Producers" on Broadway! They took a great Mel Brooks classic and fagged it all up. Nathan Lane? Come on. And God knows that Matthew Broderick hasn't been funny, nor relevant since "Ferris Buellers Day Off".
Face it, Broadway, you're washed up, a has-been, you're old news. The future[present] is in motion pictures and new-fangled digital video discs. The lights are on, but nobody's home. You're just like grandpa: old, dated, and even though you're still alive, nobody cares enough to visit you anymore.
America has completely gone down the shithole. From the media to the culture, and the people who make up both. America has nothing to [willingly]stride for anymore.
We used to be a country the strided to one day create citizens and role-models that would rival the British Royal Family in their heyday. We were close to it, back in the first half of the twentieth century. But now look at our "royalty".
After J.F.K. Jr. died, America's "royalty" went to shit. Now people like Britney Spears and the Hilton family are considered America's high society. Are you fucking kidding me? How did this happen? It boggles the mind on a level that the human brain simply can't comprehend.
There were no set chain of events that led to this decline. It just happened out of thin air. That's what perplexes me. How could the definition of American high-class be raped of it's glory in one fell swoop?
This very topic itself contains so little logic that would point towards an answer that the whole thing becomes painfully redundant. That's fucking sad. What happened to you, America? You've settled on a roadside skank, when you know that you could easily marry perfection.
It's time again to venture into the bowels of the most popular classified section in America: Craigslist. This month's selection comes from the "Items Wanted" section of the San Fransisco Craigslist.
Subject: "Human Skull"
"I am looking for anyone who has recently had a passing in their family. I am seeking a generous person who would be willing to donate their deceased family member's skull to me. I will pay you upwards of $5,000 for the skull(depending on it's size, shape, color...etc).
You may be wondering why, exactly, I require the human skull? Well, I am a Satanist. This month I am hosting a Halloween ritual in which I require a [human]skull to drink pig blood from. If you want me to go into more detail about what the ritual will mean for your loved one's deceased head, contact me at 1-(315)-***-****. But you can rest assured that the skull will be treated with the utmost care and dignity during the sacred ritual.
You are free to come and join in the ritual as well, so long as you have confirmed that the skull, in fact, belongs to a member of your immediate family.
I'm starting a new segment in which I look back and examine different periods in U.S. history. Today I will be focusing on the 1950's.
The fifties. The world was a much different place back then. People were enjoying the music of bands like the Beach Boys, Jay Black and the Americans, and Elvis(pre-morbid obesity and drug use). Air raid and nuclear fallout drills were all the rage. Blacks drank from separate fountains and took seats in the backs of public buses from sea to shining sea. Fads like surfing and racism were sweeping the nation. It was truly a great time to be alive.
Now look at us. Music has gone to shit. We actually need to bring back those nuclear fallout drills. Black people roam free in the night. Surfing isn't as popular, but racism is hotter then ever. Isn't that right, Michael Richards?
Even though this was a time of "innocence" in America, there was some pretty heavy shit going down in the backdrop of the decade. When you really think about it, it was a pretty fucking scary time to be alive. There was the threat of war at any moment. Race riots were common everyday happenings. Disease ran rampant.
Nowadays, we are actually part of several wars. Race riots happen in places like schools now. Diseases of the past, like Polio, are virtually eliminated, but now we have AIDs to deal with instead.
Was it really more care-free back then? Or are we possibly safer now?
* Guests. Not this week, but in the weeks to come, I will be posting more interviews with comics and personalities. So there.
* October. All month long, in honor of October being the month where Rock music seems to be king, I will be posting reviews of new albums as well as a few albums that you may have overlooked from this past year. So if you notice a strange abundance of music reviews, don't say I didn't tell you about it. Also, I refuse to call it "Rocktober". Something about it just feels lame. In other words: I don't want 500 e-mails telling me to call this month "Rocktober", because it's not happening.
* Theme week. Yes, the next theme week will be the week of Halloween. It will begin the Friday before Halloween and will go until Wednesday(Halloween).
* Saturday night live. All month long, the very popular segment of live sets from great artists: "Saturday night live" will be filled with artists that embody the black heart of heavy metal in honor of Halloween.
This month's serving of extra material that was cut for quality and length includes extra material from my interview with SNL's Will Forte, as well as a post about the MTV Video Music Awards that got cut because of length and redundancy. Enjoy.
This week's guest: Will Forte[bonus content]...
12. Out of all the guest hosts, Christopher Walken seems to be the one that everyone wants to know more about. Any interesting stories about him from a time when he hosted?
No. Not really. He hasn't hosted in a while and the last time he hosted, I was still pretty nervous around the hosts. So I never got a chance to really get to know him.
The last train[wreck] to obscurity...
The VMAs were last night, and MTV has officially killed the last shred of musical programming on it's network.
From the fact that their musical "performances" were nothing more then ringtone length clips of songs, to the notion that MTV's "savior" would come in the form of a chubby, scantily-clad, has-been, lip-syncing, sorry excuse for a human life, also known as Brittany Spears. This shit literally writes itself. By posting a story about this debacle would only prove to be time-wasting and redundant.
You already know how to feel about this one. There's no need for me to spell any of it out for you.
It's that time again. The time, each month, where I dig into my hundreds of e-mails and filter out only the best of the worst to be answered. "The Vaf89 Mailbag". Enjoy.
Frank from Georgia writes:
"In regard to your post about Dr. Seuss being gay, what evidence do you have to support such a brazen and childish claim? Or are you just making it all up? Maybe you're such a terrible blogger that you feel the need to mislead your readers and go off on wild rants about the sexual orientation of one of our greatest childhood heroes. It's people like you that make the terrorists hate us."
First of all, I severely doubt that I'm the reason that the terrorists hate us. If anything, they would love me for potentially soiling the legacy of one of America's most beloved childhood icons.
Second, I never actually claimed to have any evidence whatsoever that he was gay. I simply just went on a wild rant involving comical bulletpoints that made light of the fact that many of his books(intended for children, mind you) contained many homosexual innuendos. But to answer your question: Yes. I did make up everything in that post. Instead of being original and stealing jokes and ideas from somewhere else, I decided to come up with my own jokes and banter, and put them into print. Fucking idiot.
Now go run along and daydream of razorblades and pointless, silent rebellion.
Pete from Florida writes:
"How can you honestly say that Kanye West sucks? Where are your millions of dollars in album sales?"
I never said that he wasn't successful. I simply just said that he is a terrible artist that just so happens to be appealing to stupid white kids between the ages of 12-16 who live in large suburban areas, while simultaneously setting black people back 50 years. It's people like Kanye West that make the word "nigger" feel so right, when you know it's so wrong.
As for his millions of dollars in album sales, I hope that he loses all of it in a tragedy worse then 9-11, Pearl Harbor, and Hurricane Katrina combined. Also, like me, you too don't have millions of dollars in album sales. But, unlike me, you bought into his bullshit, subsequently adding to his millions of dollars. You should feel proud of yourself for successfully becoming a corporate tool.
As a staff member and reviewer for my local radio station(WSIA 88.9fm New York), I receive advance copies of all the new music that comes out several days or even a couple of weeks in advance. Recently I received an advance copy of the Foo Fighters new album "Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace".
To describe this latest offering from them as a solid effort would be a gross understatement. This might just be their best album since 1996's "The Colour and the Shape". "Echoes.." mixes some of the Foo Fighters strongest hard rock to date with some of their greatest acoustic work to date.
The album starts off with "The Pretender", "Let it Die", and "Erase/Replace". All solid tracks of stylized rock excellence. Then the album moves into more acoustic territory, but quickly jump right back into familiar territory to their last album "Skin and Bones".
It's tracks like the aforementioned "Let it Die" that make you realize how much better Linkin Park's latest album could have been. In other words: This album puts every other major rock album that was released this year to shame and shows you how the big boys do it.
Only the Foo Fighters could successfully create an album that brings together the best aspects of hard rock and acoustic offerings.
This past week, Iranian leader, and Steve Carrell look-a-like, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, spoke at Columbia University. This sparked the outrage of Americans from sea to shining sea.
Why is the leader of Iran, the nation that funded the destruction of the twin towers, getting to speak as a guest of honor at a major U.S. university? It makes no sense whatsoever. I like when people assume that this is a free speech issue. It’s not.
It’s simple logic and how you want to represent yourself. Is it logical to invite the head of a dictatorship to speak in a university that is located in the middle of a city that he helped to fund the partial destruction of? No. Is it a good idea to have that man speak to young, impressionable minds in an open forum about how he has no homosexuals in his country[because he killed them all]? Hell no.
Quite frankly, fuck the leader of Iran. He came to our country, spoke his evil rhetoric, got bad press, and he deserves every bit of it. He doesn’t deserve the right to come to our nation at all, let alone speak in it. He is a terrorist. Would you invite Osama Bin Laden to speak at N.Y.U.? I think not.
Yes, it's finally here. Yes, it's fucking awesome. Yes, people spend WAY too much time playing it.
I still can't believe that people are taking days and weeks off work to play a game. A game. At the end of the day, I like Halo 3 as much as the next guy, but i'm not going to leave my job to play, what boils down to, a game(a fucking awesome game, but a game none the less).
Read my lips: Get out of your parent's basement and experience fresh air, sunshine, companionship, and most importantly, life! Do you realize how much time some people have wasted playing Halo? Literally, whole years worth of time. Time that could have been spent making REAL friends, getting a job, studying enough to get over a 900 on the S.A.T.s.
LIVE, goddammit, LIVE! Get outside and live your life as if it were the last day on earth. Because one day it will be, and you will just be stuck with a stack of Hustlers, a pile of Hot Pocket wrappers, and a wasted life, my friends.
This week's live cut is from Queens Of The Stone Age performing "Little Sister" live on SNL on July 5, 2005. Keep your eyes peeled halfway into the video for a special appearance from a cowbell wielding Will Ferrell.
The long-running Saturday Night Live cast member, star of "Beerfest" and "The Brothers Solomon", and former writer for "That 70's Show" took some time out this week to grant a fellow Forte an interview. Just in case you haven't seen Will on SNL before(or you've just been living under a rock), posted below the interview is one of Will's most famous sketches, involving him and a certain 2007 Super Bowl winning quarterback. Enjoy, and for the record, Will and I are not related to each other.
1. How did you first get interested in wanting to get into comedy?
I'm not sure. I think I always wanted to do it but got serious about it a few years after getting out of college.
2. How did you end up landing a spot on SNL?
I was doing shows at the Groundlings while I was working at That 70s Show as a writer and one night Lorne Michaels came to see one of our shows. I got lucky and had a good show that night and Lorne asked me to come audition for the show.
3. Any funny, behind-the-scenes-type, stories from SNL that involve you and that week's host?
There are a bunch of funny things that have happened. The weirdest thing that ever happened was the week that Matthew McConaughey hosted. We have a meeting in between our dress rehearsal show and the live show where we find out what makes it onto the show. All of us were in Lorne's office, including Matthew who was wearing a sarong with no shirt for some reason. One of my sketches had been cut so I was just bummed out, staring at a fixed point in the room for a while. Suddenly, I sensed that there was a head attached to this fixed point I was staring at. When I focused, I realized that the fixed point I was staring at was Matthew's bare chest and he totally caught me. Anyway, I started looking all over the room to make it seem like I wasn't just looking at his chest. But to him, it just seemed like I was checking out his chest for a good long while.
4. Sketch that you are most proud of?
I did a Spelling Bee sketch on the Jack Black show. I used to do that at the Groundlings and it's always been one of my favorites. And then last year, I got to do a sketch with Peyton Manning where I was a coach trying to motivate my team by playing this stupid song and dancing to it. And I just had a really fun time doing it.
5. I heard somewhere that you used to work on "That 70's Show". What was your job on that show?
I was a writer on the show. It was one of the best jobs ever. We had a great time and the hours were really good. And that's rare for a writing job.
6. What music are you currently listening to on your iPod?
I'm really into Deerhoof at the moment.
7. TV shows you are currently watching?
I've been watching the Bret Michaels dating show, Rock of Love. But I'm waiting for Lost and 24 to start up again.
8. What was it like to portray President Bush?
I don't do Bush anymore. It was fun while I was doing it, but it was hard for me. I'm not very good at doing impressions, so I was always in my head about it. But Jason Sudeikis is doing it now and he does a great job with it, so it all worked out for the best.
9. When you die, what do you want God to say to you at the pearly gates?
Welcome. This is where you will be living now.
10. Any upcoming projects that you would like to plug?
The Brothers Solomon just came out and SNL starts up on September 29. So check them both out!
11. Any random words of advice for the readers?
Just do what you think is funny. Don't worry about what other people tell you to do. If you think it's funny, then you've succeeded!
He really doesn't. All he cares about is pushing his latest, shitty, ego-centric album on you. If his new album sucks so bad, then why has it sold so extraordinarily well? Hype. All hype. It's the key smoke-and-mirrors element to selling hit albums when the hit albums in question suck.
When an album is so bad that good, honest, old-fashioned reliable fan bases, aware and informed casual listeners, and word-of-mouth just won't due, hype is the one key ingredient to ensure that stupid people everywhere will simply just assume that your album is worth more then it really is.
When in reality it is merely just a collection of shitty lyrics recorded over samples of other people's "real" music. It probably takes Kanye West five hours(if that) and a Mr. Microphone to record one of his crap-tastic albums, and you people all just run out and buy them like they're the greatest thing since The Beatles' White Album.
The bottom line is that all Kanye West cares about is feeding his unbelievably huge, Stalin-esque ego. And congratulations America, you've just helped his succeed!
Some say that clothes make the man. I say that this is partially true. It really depends.
I'm definitely far from being a fashion guru of any sorts, but sometimes you just have to stop, look at certain people around you, and ask: what the fuck are you thinking?
Today I was walking around my college campus and saw a 350 pound man in a large, green sweater. It was 75 degrees outside. It was far from cold. Did he think it would cover up his grotesque stomach or make him appear "cool"? If he was wearing one in the middle of December, then ok. But September? Come on, have some common sense.
The other day I saw a girl wearing a shirt that said "I hate my parents". Really, what does that actually imply? Does she really hate her parents? Is the shirt just supposed to be some sort of biting commentary on our culture? Or did the color of the shirt just so happen to match her pants? Either way, the fact of the matter is that she probably bought the shirt at "Hot Topic"(hardly a statement of rebellion).
Finally, I just don't understand the rational behind guys wearing pink shirts. These people whom I speak of don't claim to be gay, so then why the pink shirt, Mr. Faggy McLooksLikeAHomo? Is it because you are so masculine that you need to balance things out by wearing something that brings you down to an average masculine level? Probably not the case.
I remember the days when clothes meant style, not in a gay, i'm keeping my eye on fashion trends, kind-of way. But more of a cultural way. People who wore darker clothes were identified as more down-to-earth and real, while brighter colored clothes represented a more lax attitude towards your life.
But now it seems that the rules have been thrown out the window and representation by first glance means nothing. Whether or not this is a good or bad thing has yet to be seen. Only time will tell when our generation moves forward and analyzes it's past.
It was reported a little while back that people are coming out(no pun intended) and claiming that the late, great Dr. Seuss was gay. C'mon, really? No shit!
Was Dr. Seuss really gay? Well, he created the Lorax. So that should tell you something. Anyone who creates a story about a furry creature with a trunk trying to protect the environment must be a fag.
And "The Cat in the Hat"? Flaming? Yup. How else can you describe a big cat with a striped hat breaking into little kid's houses when their parents aren't home in order to show them how to "have fun"? That's gay and illegal. And "Thing one and Thing two"? Come on, do I need to spell it out for you?
Remember "Seussical the Musical"? It was directed by Rosie O'Donnell. What more proof do you need? Nobody whose straight: A) Makes a musical in the first place. and B) Has Rosie O'Donnell direct it.
"Green Eggs and Ham"? Obviously a nickname for Seuss' genitals(that sick fuck).
This week's live cut is from The Vines performing "Get Free" live on Letterman on February 9, 2002. Take special note of the fact that the lead singer is drugged up on heroin, just starts randomly screaming for most of the set, and by the end of the song almost kills the drummer with his guitar.
This month's asshole: Brad Joyella from Gary, Indiana.
One fine day over this past summer, our man Brad felt like pulling a prank on his roommate, Dave. So one day, while Dave was at work, Brad decided to record footage from the Logo Network(the gay and lesbian channel) over all of his friend's DVDs. Sounds like a funny idea, right? Until Dave came home to find that his video presentations that he had made for work the next day were gone and instead replaced with footage of gay pride parades and home decorating shows. Needless to say, Dave was pissed. He ended up getting fired from his job at a very well-respected production company, and now has to work full-time for a major retail chain whose name rhymes with "Ball-Cart".
So for taping gay television(literally) over your friend's presentation, getting him fired from work, and forcing him to now work for minimum wage at a major shopping conglomerate, I name you, Brad Joyella, the new "Asshole of the month".
*First up, you may all be wondering why I have disabled all comments. I have done this in order to put more of a focus on the actual blog posts, rather then the comments. If you want your voice heard, just e-mail me at vaf89@hotmail.com and if you letter is good enough it will be shown during the state of the blog. If you send me any hate mail, It might just get ripped a new asshole in the "VAF89 Mailbag" segment that I do at the end of each month. So there.
*Guests. Now that my vacation has been over for a couple of weeks now, I am starting to book guest interviews. Expect a new interview as soon as the next couple of weeks.
*"Saturday Night Live". Last Saturday I premiered a new segment that showcases a different live cut from an artist of my choosing. I received an overwhelming amount of positive mail about it. Expect a new edition each and every Saturday. This week's live set: "Get Free" by The Vines(It's their infamous performance on Letterman that ended with the lead singer almost killing the drummer with his guitar).
*The "Asshole of the month" is fast approaching, so send in your last minute asshole stories to assholeofthemonth@hotmail.com.
