Finally, Craigslist gets added to my pantheon of "It came from..." series of recurring segments. This specific entry I can sum up in three words: clowns, cocaine, and crabs. Enjoy!
Posted on Craigslist in "Misc Romance" section on 8/28/07:
"My name is Apples the (female)clown. I am 5'11 tall, 280lbs. I am looking for generous people to donate some money, valuables, or "snow" for my services. I can make personal incalls, but I can also be summoned for private corporate events.
I bring with me over fifteen years of clown experience and can do most any kind of magic trick you can think up.....ANY KIND. Events may also be catered upon request. I can supply a variety of food stuffs including(but not limited to) hamburgers, lobster, veal, chinese, and of course, crabs.
My rates vary but are usually around $250 per hour. For an extra $100 my friend Peaches the midget can join the party as well.
So call me for all of your adult clowning needs at (212)-359-####
The "VAF89 Mailbag" is a new segment that will allow me to respond to a couple of choice letters of hate mail that I have received in the past couple of weeks(no fan mail. who the fuck wants to read fan mail?). This segment will usually pop up around the end of each month. Without further ado, here is some good, old-fashioned hate mail!
Barry from AZ writes:
"You suck!!! Why would you say that dogfighting is fun and/or entertaining? What kind of stupid fucknut are you?!! I hope you burn in hell!!!!!!!"
Vin Forte:
Well Barry, I'm glad that you obviously took the time to read the disclaimer at the top of the Michael Vick blog so that you completely understood the point I was trying to make about dogfighting and not jump to conclusions like some babbling dickhead.
And by the way, me burning in hell isn't going to bring the dogs back to life, now is it Barry?
Jeff from VA writes:
"I hated your interview with Karl Koch. Why didn't you get an actual IMPORTANT member of Weezer? I could have found a better interview."
Vin Forte:
I wanted to do an interview with Karl because I figured that I could get a lot of interesting material from him(which I did). I don't go by how famous someone is. I go by how interesting there life is. Karl makes his own music while hanging around and sometimes even recording with one of the greatest bands of our generation. I severely doubt that your life is even anywhere close to being that interesting.
And by the way, Mr. "I could find a better interview", if you can please show me your interview with Rivers Cuomo or Matt Sharp, I'll gladly eat my shoe. But until then, fuck off.
Usually, when it comes to MTV I am always more then happy to take the position that they don't play music and instead supplement it with shitty reality shows. But somehow, MTV U(basically, MTV for college students) has managed to not fuck it up(yet, at least).
MTV U is an MTV channel broadcast to most colleges and universities in North America(as well as a few cable affiliates), and you know what? It kicks fucking ass! MTV U is what regular MTV should be. It plays music twenty-four hours, seven days a week with limited commercial interruption and a two-minute an hour MTV News update. When MTV U isn't playing just straight blocks of music videos, it's playing countdown shows of specific types of music, shows about emerging new artists, among other shows along that line.
It is also the only MTV channel that also streams online at www.mtvu.com. So you can go there right now and actually see actual, real music videos for yourself(I thought that this day would never come). Or to go to the live stream directly, click here: http://www.mtvu.com/player/html/popup/indexLive.jhtml?id=1556337&vid=141775 (it may take a minute or two to connect and buffer, depending on your Internet connection, but it's well worth it).
So go! Spread the word about MTV U to the masses who don't go to college and tell them that there is actually a place to find, not only music videos, but good music videos once again. To all the people at Viacom and MTV(U), I graciously tip my hat to you all. Now don't fuck it up!
Last week, when I was at orientation for college, there were about 50 tables set up with information about different clubs, sports, and activities....and also a few tables dedicated to spreading their different religions and philosophies. Here are a few of my favorites:
The church of Judaism with the recognition of Jesus Christ. This group(cult) is dedicated to the preservation of Jewish values while recognising the existence that Jesus was God's son. What? This is one of those situations that you think about for a while, then stop, think about again, and then your head starts to bleed out your ear.
N.A.M.B.L.A. The national American man-boy love association. I get douche chills just thinking about this. What kind of sick fucks would set up shop at a college campus and preach a faggy proclamation about how grown men and boys should be allowed the right to "love"?
The Trans-gendered, Trans-sexual, Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, and Straight Alliance. Wow! Could they have covered all of their bases any better? But, admittedly, this name is very politically correct. My version? The Hermaphrodite, Post-op, George Michaels, Melissa Etheridge, Closet Gay, and Normal Alliance.
*Note: Do not take the opinions in the first three paragraphs of the following blog seriously. I am trying to make a point about animal curelty that I hope you all will be smart enough to figure out and understand.
As you all know by now, Falcons quarterback Michael Vick will plead guilty on Monday of taking part in illegal dogfighting. I say that people are overreacting.
Vick is simply just doing what most of us could only dream of: watch as two dogs go head-to-head in a battle to the death! The only problem is that he got caught, so now everybody has to put on their politically correct attitudes and pretend that they would never even dream of pitting dogs against each other in a glorious death match.
It's amazing that people have never flipped out this much over cockfighting(boring), yet when you have something like dogfighting(fucking amazing!) people shit a brick and come down on it as if the thought of it would never enter their head.
Here's a little litmus test for you: Watch this video. If you find it to be fucking amazing, entertaining, and even a bit hilarious, then you have to agree that Vick walks on all charges. And if you find it offensive, then get the fuck off my blog!
This "Gatto rant" is actually a holdover from last week when I was on vacation. In this installment our resident ranter, Dom Gatto, gives his take on Paris Hilton losing all of her inheritance money. Near the end of the video he also gives due kudos to yours truly. Enjoy.
The following is a list(in no particular order) of the most Caucasian songs to ever be recorded by anyone. This is not a racist thing. When I say the "whitest" song ever, I'm talking about culturally not stereotypically. This will become an ever expanding and ongoing project to see if with your help, the power of Google, and all of my wasted high school years, we can isolate and contain the whitest song ever! If you have a submission for the whitest song ever, please feel free to leave a comment on this blog page, and it might just get added to the list. Do not, while you are reading this list, think to yourself: hey, he forgot vanilla ice and the theme song from friends. because I am not looking for any obvious selections. I'm looking for songs that are not as obvious and at the same time are also unarguably only enjoyed by suburban white people.
song: artist:
tempted- squeeze just the way you are- billy joel life is a highway- tom cochran little miss- spin doctors somebody told me- the killers rockin' into the night- 38 special another day in paradise- phil collins california- phantom planet close to you- the carpenters hungry like the wolf- duran duran unbelievable- e.m.f. seen all good people- yes sister goldenhair- america hey ya!- outkast dancing on the ceiling- lionel ritchie hip to be square- huey lewis and the news thick as a brick- jethro tull the boys are back in town- thin lizzy hey jealosy- gin blossoms rock me amadeus- falco steal my sunshine- len mr. roboto- styx good girls don't- the knack open arms- journey hold the line- toto jack and diane- john cougar mellancamp have you ever been mellow- olivia newton john wearwolves in london- warren zevon don't worry be happy- bobby mcfarren whip it- devo free falling- tom petty logical song- supertram birdhouse in your soul- they might be giants my pal foot foot- the shags slip slidin' away- paul simon sailing- christopher cross 9 to 5- dolly parton i'm not in love- 10cc's windy- the association barely breathing- duncan sheik hello again- the cars we built this city- starship everybody have fun tonight- wang chung broken wings- mister mister more then words- extreme the cat's in the cradle- harry chapman jump(acustic bluegrass version)- david lee roth wildfire- michael murphy last christmas- wham! wonderwall- oasis she blinded me with science- thomas dolby sleeping bag- zz top story of a girl- nine days like a rinestone cowboy- glen campbell pinball wizard- the who sweet caroline- neil diamond sex bomb- tom jones gettin jiggy wit it- will smith party all night- quiet riot silent lucidity- queensryche dust in the wind- kansas sledgehammer- peter gabriel 96 tears- ? and the mysterians I can't drive 55- sammy hagar celebration- kool and the gang too shy- kajagoogoo hungry heart- bruce springsteen never gonna give you up- rick astley truckin'- greatful dead danger zone- kenny loggins abra cadabra- steve miller band private eyes- hall and oats behind blue eyes- the who knights in white satin- the moody blues ooh la la- the faces runaround- blues traveller
Well all know that most people here in the good old U.S. of A. are not the sharpest knives in the drawer. But when I learned today that over 43% of high school students failed the English regent this year it made me want to stand on top of a bell tower and start picking of businessmen with a shotgun.
43 percent! Are you fucking kidding me? We speak English! By the time you enter high school, you have been speaking the language for well over ten years. How can you possibly fail it? People in France and China take English as a second or third language and don't fail it. But in America people speak it every day, twenty four hours, seven days a week, and still manage to fuck it up.
There should be some sort of nation-wide test at age 17 where you are tested on basic English. The punishment for failure: deportation and a swift kick in the nuts. There is absolutely no excuse for not knowing a language that you have been speaking your entire life. None whatsoever.
And this(among other things), my friends, is why the terrorists hate us. We have every opportunity in the world to advance our education, yet we don't take advantage of it.
*Well, first off I think I should address the fact that I am back. It feels good to be back. Not as good as a getting a deep-tissue massage while eating a McRib while simultaneously watching the Jets win the Superbowl with Queens of the Stone Age performing at halftime, but good enough.
*Tay Zonday. Over my vacation I received many e-mails praising me for being able to score an interview with the creator of "Chocolate Rain". Don't be so shocked. Remember: If you call someone, they will(most times) eventually respond. People are human, they have Myspace profiles that allow you to send messages straight to them, if you send someone a message they will eventually get to it(remember, it took about a week to get Tay's response).
*Speaking of Myspace, I finally set mine off "Private". So now anyone can come check me out, hit me up with a friend request, and stalk me at: www.myspace.com/vincentforte.
*Guest interviews. I'm currently working on getting some new interviews. Expect in the coming weeks to see interviews with a bunch of great comedians, maybe a few musicians, and a couple of old favorites returning once again to talk about something completely different.
*That's it. Expect a fresh, brand-spanking new original blog tomorrow. See you all then, hit me up on Myspace, and I hope that you all enjoyed the "Best-of" I posted last week.
I'll be on vacation for the next week. So, as promised, I have left a "Best of" packed with the cream of the crop(as well as some blogs going all the way back to February). Also included is a rare blog posted on a message board and links to some other cool sites you might like in place of me. When I get back next week, expect an all new "Gatto Rant", a new celebrity interview, the asshole of the month, and all new original blogs. See you all next week! Enjoy!
You have no doubt seen the video that over 5 million people have viewed on Youtube in the past week. That video is "Chocolate Rain" by Tay Zonday(video is posted below the interview). In a matter of mere days, this song has been covered by the likes of John Mayer and Tre Cool and has spawned literally hundreds of Internet spoofs. This man is truly destined to take his new-found fame, run with it, and carry himself all the way to the top. His may truly be the most prolific and insightful guest I've interviewed yet. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Tay Zonday:
1. How did you first get interested in wanting to become a musician?
I don't know that I consciously want to be a musician. You make it sound like I prayed in the foothills of Tibet and had a revelation from Buddha. Everybody sings. Maybe they only do it when they're alone in the car. Maybe they only do it in the shower. People are not "interested" in "becoming a musician" in these spaces. Music is the default status of life. So the question is not why particular people become musicians. The question is why a majority of people become silent. They sing in the shower. They sing in the synagogue. They are silent on the sidewalk. They are silent in the grocery store. What made you interested in wanting to become silent?
2. What are some of your favorite musical acts and influences?
I don't know. I just respect all music.
3. Do you feel that alot of the music industry today has become too commercialized and cookie-cutter?
Since its inception, the music industry has been a distribution industry. It has been about gaining exclusive access to scarce retail space. It has been about gaining exclusive access to scarce broadcast airwaves. Once exclusive access is secured, it is much easier to produce "impressions" . . . forcing encounters between your brand and the general publics' brains. The volume of impressions creates the behavior of purchasing music much more reliably that "good" music. Since broadcast and distribution is becoming less scarce with the internet, it is becoming easier to rely on good music to generate purchases.
4. What was the worst job you have ever had?
I don't do well with these questions that require a singular extreme. The "favorite" music act? The "worst" job? How can anybody reduce their life to these qualifiers? Isn't each situation rich with context and contradiction? Isn't it always multiple things at once? We've got to get ourselves unhooked from sound-bytes. They are always shortcuts of convenience. The problem is that it's for the convenience of power and not the convenience of enfranchised people.
5. Has all of this new-found fame changed you at all?
Am I in the midst of newfound fame? I have not noticed any interesting changes in my psychology. The public seems much more interested in my psychology than I am. I really don't pay much attention to it. At least, not with the voyeuristic titillation that sometimes moves the public. I'm not looking in the mirror every morning and asking "how am I changed today?"
6. Any plans to release a full-length album?
Who knows? I take it a day at a time. As soon as I affirm a plan, the margin of error becomes too high.
7. Have you seen any of the parody videos of chocolate rain on youtube? Do you have any favorites?
That's another one of those questions that requires an extreme. It requires a label. How can anybody stand a mode-of-thought that is so concrete? I appreciate the fact that anybody would be interested in interpreting my work.
8. What's on your Tivo/DVR?
I don't own a television. Though my family often has stuff saved on their DVRs when I visit them.
9. Any advice for an aspiring musician out there?
I think I touched on this in #1. Understand what it is that inspires you to be silent. Once you begin to understand why you aspire to be silent, it becomes easier to understand why you are not a musician.
10. What is the message being told in "chocolate rain"?
"Chocolate Rain" is not dogmatic. It is not like the step-by-step directions for putting together a new table. It is cryptic. It is meant to be subject to interpretation. Some experience it on a deeply academic level. Others experience it as a catchy and entertaining tune. I refuse to be the referent by which other interpretations are evaluated. People get out of it what they get out of it and that's cool. What more does it need to be?
As you all know by now, Barry Bonds hit hit 756th home run last night. He now is the all-time home run king above Hank Aaron. Or is he? Now I could get into the whole steroid matter, but I have a different take on the home run record.
Japan. Japan? Yes, Japan. Sadaharu Oh is the name of the ACTUAL world home run champion. He has over 868 homers in his day. Over 100 more then Barry Bonds. It has always pissed me off when Americans call things the "World" Series or use expressions like "heavyweight champion of the world". How the fuck can you have the balls to claim yourself champion of anything when you don't even pick fights with Canadian teams, let alone other continents?
Barry Bonds didn't break shit! Those eleven minutes that he used to thank everyone last night were complete bullshit and I wish that I could hop into my wayback machine, acquire a ticket to last night's game, run out onto the field brandishing a flamethrower, light Barry Bonds on fire before he gets a chance to break the record, and then have millions of viewers and fans watch in horror as he runs around like a chicken without a head as his flesh burns and his eyeballs melt. Everyone at the stadium would immediately run out of the stadium in shock and demand their money back, or they would need psychiatric evaluation.
Now I'm lost. What was I supposed to be talking about? Oh yeah, vote yes on proposition 24.
The other night Mets pitcher Tom Glavin scored his 300th winning game. This now puts him in a class of only 23 other people who have done the same.
This is truly an amazing accomplishment for sure. But it's too fucking bad that it got overshadowed here in New York by Gay-Rod(Alex Rodriguez for those of you who don't get the joke). You see, A-Rod also broke a record that week by scoring his 500th home run. Too bad he had to soil the back page of the Post by stealing Glavin's thunder as well as making the story about the aftermath of his home run and not about the actual home run.
When A-Rod hit the homer, naturally a fan in the crown caught the ball. By catching the ball that lucky fan can now sell it on eBay, make over $100,000, and change his life forever.......except that A-Rod wants the ball back*record player screeches to a halt*.
WHAT?! Is A-Rod that big of an asshole that he would deny some poor dude a chance to alter his life in ways he can't even imagine? YES! This is the biggest dick move since..since....EVER!
The people in New York hate him already, and now he goes and does this? He should at least fork over $100,000 to the poor guy in exchange for the ball, maybe some autographed bats or something, anything. But no. A-Rod just wants to be a dick and offer nothing in return for his precious ball back.
So, in a surprise move by me, for stealing Tom Glavin's thunder and dashing the hopes and dreams of some poor fan, I declare Alex(Gay-Rod) Rodriguez the "Asshole of the Month"!
This month's edition of "Random Thoughts" is jam-packed with obscure humor, random inquiries, and of course, animal cruelty. Let's begin, shall we:
* It looks like Michael Vick is guilty of running illegal dog fights. What's he going to say in the trial to defend himself? "Hey, those dogs hated each other. Who am I to get in their way?"
* I can't watch "Batman Begins" without thinking that Gary Oldman's Commisioner Gordon looks exactly like Ned Flanders.
* And I can't watch "Batman and Robin" at all.
* An animal balloon-making clown is a few feet away from me right now, and i am not happy about it.
* Britney Spears is having a lot of accusations hurled at her about being an unfit mother. But I'm sure she is no worse at being a mom than any other idiot who never should have been allowed to have children.
* Mountain Dew tastes great out of a baby bottle.....don't ask me how I know that.
* The difference between drunks and stoners: Drunks send e-mails that are dirty and/or obnoxious. Stoners send e-mails that are blank.
* Gilligan, of "Gilligan's Island" had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.
* If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, who cares?
Matt(on the left) working with partner Seth Green on concept art for Robot Chicken.
Matthew Senreich is the creator, director, producer and writer of the TV series Robot Chicken. Matt began his entertainment career in 1991 at the early age of 16, when he worked as a summer intern for Marvel Comics. It was here that he honed his writing skills and learned from the rising stars of the comic book industry. Upon graduating college in 1996, Matt secured a job as an editorial assistant at the New York-based Wizard Entertainment, a publication house that produces multiple magazines that are the leading source of information about the comic book, action figure, anime and collectible card gaming communities. After two years with Wizard Entertainment, Matt rose through the ranks and became editor of ToyFare. One year later, he was promoted to editorial director of all Wizard Entertainment publications. Matt soon met up with actor Seth Green, who was a fan of Wizard's magazines. This newfound partnership between Matt and Seth spawned the creation of a series of stop motion animated shorts entitled "Sweet J Presents" for Sony's Screenblast.com in 2000 and 2001. Based upon these webisodes, Cartoon Network's Adult Swim committed to 20 episodes of Robot Chicken. Green and Senreich, through their production company Stoopid Monkey, have produced two highly successful seasons of the show, are committed to a third and are also producing an upcoming holiday movie titled Naughty or Nice. A clip from Robot Chicken is posted below the interview. And now, on to the interview:
1. What was your original career intention after high school, and how did that lead into you becoming an intern at Marvel Comics?
Ever since I was 16, I wanted to work in comic books. I was surprised to get an internship at Marvel in the summer of 1991 when I was that age, but once I worked there, I knew that comics would be part of my future. Robot Chicken was a natural extension of that.
2. What was it like getting to work around the creators of some of the most popular comic books of all time?
Amazing. It was fun to grow in my career at the same time as Joe Madureira, Mike Turner, Geoff Johns and the like. It was fun to have people like Jeph Loeb giving me career advice. Wizard provided me with the opportunity to really meet the entire comic book industry.
3. What was the worst job you've ever had outside of writing or interning?
To be honest, I've been fortunate to like all my jobs. Even filing at a private practice doctor's office that my dad ran when i was like 14.
4. How did you meet Seth Green?
Through Wizard/ToyFare magazine. We approached him about doing an interview for the magazine and we geeked out on each other and became friends.
5. What was "Sweet J Presents"?
The precursor to "Robot Chicken." It was a series of 12 animated shorts that we did for Sony's Screenblast.com back in 2001. We used those shorts to shop around to sell the concept of "Robot Chicken." You can see a few on the RC season 1 DVD.
6. How did you guys decide stop-motion with action figures and claymation over more conventional forms of animation?
Stop motion is the only way to make toys come to life.
7. What was your reaction when you found out that Robot Chicken was nominated for an Emmy this year?
It's just surreal. Simply surreal.
8. Anything different we can expect from season 3?
A bit more storytelling. A bit more absurdity. Going back to the basics on some sketches while pushing the envelope of the absurd with others.
9. What is your favorite scene from Robot Chicken so far?
World's Most One-Sided Fist Fights. It always makes me laugh. Or the Emperor Phone Call as that sketch exposed our show to a much wider audience and brought us more into the limelight.
10. What was it like doing the Star Wars episode?
Scary and fun. It's not every day that Lucasfilm says go play with Star Wars. We knew it had to be funnier than just funny. I'm really happy with how it turned out.
11. Any upcoming projects you would like to plug?
We currently have a two-picture deal at Dimension. Working on developing an all-ages stop motion project and a teen comedy as well. More on those when they go into production...
12. When you die, what do you want God to say to you at the pearly gates?
Donde esta el bano?
13. Any parting words of random advice for the readers?
Never be afraid to take a chance and go for the jobs that you think are unreachable. The more you explore, the more you find.
Hey gang. I'm introducing a new segment today in which internet superstar Dominick Gatto tells it like it is and pulls no punches on the big issues and stories going on in our world today.....well, actually it's more along the lines of he can talk about whatever the fuck he wants to talk about. After all, he is, the one and only, Dom Fucking Gatto!
While rumors have been swirling for some time that Mel Brooks' classic cult film "Spaceballs" would be granted a sequel, the creators have gone and done the next best thing(kind-of, maybe).
"Spaceballs The Animated Series" will premiere sometime this fall on the G4 network. And while, in theory, this idea may be thought of as dead in the womb, let me just let you in on some facts that might just give you some hope.
Instead of just handing the rights to the "Spaceballs" franchise over to some random company to do an animated show, Mel Brooks is overseeing, writing, and starring in the actual show. In fact, all of the actors from the movie(except John Candy) will be reprising their roles. This might actually be good.
But now the real key is the plot. They could cook up some real original ideas that spoof the last twenty years of sci-fi pop culture, or they could just sell-out and use a bunch of shitty cartoon cliches. It will really be something to check out when it premieres this fall.
I'm keeping my belief that it won't be just another movie-to-cartoon, tie-in, sell-out. But then again, Mel Brooks did just sell the rights to "Young Frankenstein" to be made into a Broadway play.
This month's look back at the cut blogs from last month include two special cutting room floor delights. The first is an answer from Karl Koch(Weezer) that got cut from my original interview with him because at the end of the day, he never really gave an exact answer, and also it seemed a little "fanboy-ish". The latter is a blog about the new Harry Potter book. It was good, but simply not long enough to constitute posting as a regular blog. Enjoy!
This week's guest: Karl Koch[bonus question]...
11. In the song "Hash Pipe" there is some confusion in the second line of the chorus that angered many censors. Some people say that the line is either "I got my ass wipe", "I got my eye swipe" and "I got my ass wide". What is the official lyric? As the Green Album lyrics were never officially released, i guess its deliberately obscure. However, i believe there is a Green guitar tab book that lists lyrics, and they had to be approved before publishing. So whatever that book says must be the dealio.
Harry Potter and the repeating storyline...
I can't believe that millions of people are buying into this Harry Potter bullshit. You are all being swindled, grifted, and bamboozled in the worst way possible.
Don't you all get it? Every single Harry Potter book is the same fucking Harry Potter book! I can tell you the plotline to every Harry Potter book in less then a paragraph:
Harry escapes from his evil parent's house, he has his friends get him to Hogwarts, some evil shit starts to go down(yet they never close the school down despite the fact that it happens every year), Harry somehow finds a way to save the day, the end, repeat.
