7/28/07- Best episode ever...

The Simpsons Movie has just hit a local movie joint near you, and let me say that it was, hands down, the funniest movie of the year.

It's everything you could ever want or expect from a movie bearing The Simpsons name. It has that feeling of being greater then just a normal episode(kind-of epic, really), while still maintaining the charm that makes the show so great.

And for those people who love Green Day, they appear five minutes into the movie. For those people who hate Green Day, they die five minutes into the movie. Other guest stars include Albert Brooks and a very special, secret guest star: Tom Hanks.

The plot is hard to explain, so here goes nothing: Green Day drowns in Lake Springfield, Grandpa goes crazy, Homer gets a pet pig, Bart skateboards naked(yes, there is full frontal nudity), Homer dumps the pig crap in Lake Springfield, the town is deemed too unhealthy and must be sealed in a dome, The Simpsons leave town and move to Alaska, Marge leaves Homer, Homer goes back to Springfield to save his family and friends, a bomb is lowered into the dome by the head of the E.P.A. to blow up Springfield, Homer somehow throws bomb out of dome, saves the day, cats and dogs, living together, pandemonium!

The bottom line: GO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE!!!

WARNING: The previous review contains spoilers. Do not read if you have not yet seen the movie.

7/25/07- The 101 Greatest Simpsons quotes...

As our "unofficial" Simpsons week rolls on, I present you with a list(in no particular order) of the 101 greatest Simpsons quotes ever. Original list of quotes published on www.blogzarro.com.

The List:

Homer: D’oh.
Ralph: Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Troy McClure: Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!
Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity…
Homer: Oh, so they have Internet on computers now!
Ned Flanders: I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.
Sideshow Bob: I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
Nelson: Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*
Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
Comic Book Guy: Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
Homer: Save me, Jeebus.
Mayor Quimby: I stand by my racial slur.
Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer?
Homer: Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
Chief Wiggum: Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!
Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.
Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything’s a sin. [holds up a Bible] Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.
Homer: You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
Smithers: Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.”
Hans Moleman: I was saying “Boo-urns.”
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer: Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems.
Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
Duffman: Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO!
Grandpa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Homer: Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Troy McClure: Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”
Homer: A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice.
Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
Mr. Burns: I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
Kent Brockman: …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.
Homer: You don’t win friends with salad.
Mr. Burns: I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.
Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
Mr. Burns: Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?
Homer: He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!
Comic Book Guy: But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life.
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Superintendent Chalmers: I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…
Mr. Burns: What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?
Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
Ralph: Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.
Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing?
Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work.
Milhouse: We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
Homer: Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Milhouse: Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!
Homer: I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
Smithers: I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.
Barney: Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!
Principal Skinner: That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
Sideshow Bob: Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!
Barney: Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
Superintendent Chalmers: “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
Mr. Burns: [answering the phone] Ahoy hoy?
Comic Book Guy: Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention!
Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
Homer: What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
Marge: Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!
Bill Gates: I didn’t get rich by signing checks.
Principal Skinner: Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.
Homer: Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.
Comic Book Guy: Human contact: the final frontier.
Homer: I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
Homer: I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.
Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country.
Homer: Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.
Comic Book Guy: Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.
Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…
Milhouse: I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
Apu: Thank you, steal again.
Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
Ed Begley Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.
Bart: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. *Makes sound effects and laughs* Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

7/24/07- Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart...

For those of you out there who don't live near any of the twelve 7-11 "Kwik-E-Marts", I present to you pics from my trip to the Manhattan Kwik-E-Mart:












Thank you, come again!

7/23/07- State of the Blog...

* First of all, I hope that you all enjoyed the 90's theme week a few weeks back. More importantly I hope that you all enjoyed my interview with Karl Koch. And don't worry, because there are plenty more interviews coming down the pipeline for the rest of this summer as well.

* Next, I am going into Manhattan tomorrow to check out one of the new "Kwik-E-Marts". Expect a *Special* photo blog sometime this week.

* "Vin, why haven't you been blogging on the weekends?" Because it's summer and I need(nay, deserve) some sort of vacation. Giving myself the weekends off is the least I could do. But remember, when I am going to be gone for more than three days I will leave a "Best of" post. The first weekend in September I will start blogging on the weekends again.

* Start sending in your suggestions for the next theme week. I will announce the winning theme in the next "State of the Blog". The next theme week will probably be the first week in September(sort-of a back to school pick me up kind of thing).

* Finally, in honor of "The Simpsons Movie", this Thursday I will be posting a special Simpsons list of the top 101 best quotes. So enjoy, and see you all tomorrow.

7/20/07- This week's guest: James Rolfe(The Angry Video Game Nerd)...

Previously known as The Angry Nintendo Nerd, The Angry Video Game Nerd, or AVGN as he is most commonly abbreviated, is a series of video game reviews by James Rolfe, an amateur filmmaker. His videos have gotten well over 25,000,000 views on Youtube. The Angry Video Game Nerd's comic appeal comes from his loud New Jersey accent, his drinking of Rolling Rock lager (although recently he has switched to Yuengling), and his comically frequent use of profanity. Most of his reviews have an introduction theme song played by Kyle Justin in which Rolfe describes his character as taking people "back to the past" to experience the terrible video games he had to play. He often treats the games he reviews as the lowest possible thing in existence, and saying he would rather do something extremely repulsive than play the game. Sometimes, at the end of the review, the AVGN will physically destroy the game he has reviewed. A vido of him reviewing "Back to the Future" for the original Nintendo can be found below the interview. His entire archive can be found on his Myspace: www.myspace.com/thenintendonerd.

1. How did the Angry Video Game Nerd get started?

I make a lot of short videos for comedic purposes, and one thing I decided to do for a quick little joke in 2004 was to pick on an old NES game (Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest) which is regarded as a classic game, but there sure were things in it that are annoying. During the course of the review, I got more involved than I thought. I complained about every detail I could find and felt the need to swear which later became a character trait of the Angry Video Game Nerd.

2. What was your first experience with a video game?

Probably Odyssey or Atari.

3. What's it like knowing that your videos get more views then most cable T.V. shows?

Nice, but too bad we don’t get that kind of money that they get on TV.

4. Is there any large difference between your "Angry Video Game Nerd" persona and your "real" self?

Yes. Totally different person. AVGN is a character

5. Was your video game collection always as large as it appears in the videos, or is it large now due to fans sending you old games?

Alot of it was given by mike matei. many of the nes games. a lot of the consoles. Atari, 5200, top loader, turbo grapx, Panasonic 3do.. and some is from fans.

6. What was it like getting to go to E3 2007?

Great. You can see the videos of the event at www.screwattack.com.

7. What games are you currently playing(on current consoles)?

Don’t really have time with this AVGN filming schedule.

8. How long does it take, on average, to make a new "Angry Video Game Nerd" video?

Aprrox. 30 hours.

9. What's on your iPod?

lots of stuff. Black Sabbath, Guns and Roses, Judas Priest, ACDC, Zeppelin, Rob Zombie, Pink Floyd, The Offspring, The Who, Misfits, Van Halen, Ramones..etc.

10. What's on your Tivo/DVR?

old horror movies

11. What are some of your favorite games?

On NES: Zelda, Super Mario 3, Contra, Mega Man 2, Castlevania 3, Double Dragon 2, Punch Out, Metroid. On SNES: Mario Paint, Zelda: Link to the Past, Super Metroid, F-Zero, Super Castlevania 4, Final Fantasy 3 (6 in Japan), Chrono Trigger, Donkey Kong Country 1 & 2, Super Street Fighter 2, Mortal Kombat 2, Killer Instinct, TMNT 4, Super Mario World, Star Fox.

12. Any ideas floating around for upcoming game reviews?

About 10 million. For one thing we get about 1000 requests everyday. And you can go to screwattack.com/forums and look at the thread for Game Suggestions. But besides that, we already have videos lined up into 2008.

13. Any words of advice for people?

Fuck Shit Ass and Balls.

7/19/07- Asshole of the Month...

This month's asshole:

William Jameson from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Young Billy decided one day that it would be funny to play a prank on his girlfriend by tampering with her...well.....how can I put this, "feminine hygiene products". From this point on I'm going to just be very blunt and frank, so don't say I didn't warn you. He snuck into her bathroom while she was at work, took out all of her tampons, dipped them in carburetor fluid, let them dry, put them back into their cases, sealed them with glue, and waited for her to have her "time of the month"(note: carburetor fluid has been known to burn, but does not cause long-term after-effects). When that time came, he knew because his girlfriend called him in a panic and screamed that she needed to go to the hospital because "her vagina was burning". Ultimately, there turned out to be no signs of any infection or serious problem.....except when the girl found out from one of William's friends about the carburetor fluid on her tampons. Naturally she dumped his ass, and you can pretty much figure out the rest.

So for dousing your girlfriend's tampons in carburetor fluid, covering it up, and costing her a trip to the emergency room, as well as your relationship, You[William Jameson] are this month's "Asshole of the Month".

And remember, keep sending in your submissions for next month's asshole to assholeofthemonth@hotmail.com.

7/18/07- I Now Pronounce You Fucking Stupid...

"I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" is just another example of how Adam Sandler is scraping the bottom of the barrel, as of late.

The downfall showed some signs with "Punch Drunk Love". "Anger Management" quelled these feelings, if just for only a little while. But after "50 First Dates" I started to realize it: This is the same exact movie as "The Wedding Singer"! Think about it. Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore starring together, romantic comedy, slightly raunchy yet high-brow, Rob Schneider cameo. There's a formula to this shit.

Then came "Spanglish". Enough said.

After that came "The Longest Yard". No Drew Barrymore, but they decided to keep the Rob Schneider cameo for good measure. Now the shit really starts to hit the fan. "Click"? "CLICK"!? What the fuck was he thinking? "Reign Over Me"? A heart-warming tale about race relations in a post-9/11 climate co-starring Don Cheadle? Now they're just trying to fuck with me. This can't be happening.

Now we reach present day with "I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry". A movie about two dudes(Sandler and Kevin James) who get married in order to collect benefits for James' kids. It just seems so stupid, un-inspired, and ripped from the headlines-esque. It comes across as trying to jump aboard the cultural trend of the moment(gay marriage).

Let's just hope that he doesn't start to stoop to making sequels. Can you imagine "50 Second Dates" or "Nine Crazy Nights"?

7/17/07- It came from Youtube!...

I'm switching it up a bit this time around. Instead of supplying you with some absurd finding from Myspace, I'm opting to present you with an absurd finding from Youtube.

This video is truly a Youtube gem that was well worth finding. It is a fan-made video to accompany the song "Ralph Wiggum" by Bloodhound Gang. The entire song is just a collection of Ralph Wiggum quotes from The Simpsons. The video shows the respective scene to accompany it's respective lyric. Enjoy!

7/16/07- "Transformers": Finally, a Michael Bay movie worth writing home about...

I finally went to see "Transformers" this weekend, and now I'm left wondering what took me so long. This movie is the exact definition of a summer blockbuster.

First of all, I have to just point out how shallow and stupidly pompous some movie critics are. You see, many critics who somehow found "Transformers" to not be their cup of tea had along the lines of this to say: The plot is so unrealistic, How do the cars transform?, Why do they transform?, Why are the robots fighting a senseless war on earth?.

To all of the movie critics who did not enjoy "Transformers": You are all a bunch of fucking idiots! It's a fucking movie! It's not real! It's based off of a children's toy/cartoon! I go to the movies to be entertained, and that's what "Transformers" did: ENTERTAIN! I don't go to the movie theater to watch a linear story with heavy, boring, real-life style dialogue(I can get that anywhere and everywhere).

When I go to see a movie I want to forget about my problems for a few hours and enjoy watching something that would never happen in real life, like robots beating the shit out of each other, taking innocent lives, and destroying everything in their path. Sounds fucking awesome, right? Well it is!

Bottom line: If you long to see everything, and more, described in that last paragraph, then get up off your ass, get your hands on ten dollars, and go enjoy an action-packed roller coaster for a few hours.

This week's guest: Karl Koch...

Karl Koch is the official archivist for the rock band Weezer. As a longtime friend of the band since 1991, Koch has performed many jobs for the band over the years including roadie and historian. His production credits include the band's DVD, "Video Capture Device" and videos for "Pink Triangle", "Photograph", "Slob" and the video for The Special Goodness' "Life Goes By" of which Weezer's Pat Wilson is a member. Karl Koch also has in his possession one of the only full copies of the unreleased Weezer songs that were to be collaborated on Songs from the Black Hole (an album that Weezer fans have been hoping for the release of since it became known) and hundreds and hundreds of other unreleased Weezer recordings as well as over 10,000 LPs in his personal record archive. He is very involved with the band but is rarely seen. He is often concidered the 5th member due to all of his many contributions to the band. Karl appears in Weezer's 2006 music video for "Perfect Situation" as well as the 1995 video for "Say It Ain't So." Koch writes his own experimental/electronica music as "Karlophone" (www.karlophone.com). His 2002 LP "Press Any Key to Begin" has received some attention for its creativity and innovation. More recently, Karlophone has released a 7" record titled "Desire". His latest album, "I Must Find This Karlophone" has also recently been released by CDBaby. And now on to the interview:

1. How did you first meet Weezer and get involved with them?

I was their roommate and friend before they were even a band. I drove them and their gear to their early gigs because i loved their songs.

2. Do you think that "Songs From The Black Hole" will ever get released in one form or another? And what's it like to own one of the only three copies of it?

I can only go with my gut feeling, its all i have on this one. And my gut tells me that yes, someday in some form or another, there will be some sort of release of the black hole material. What its like to own it...Well, there's a CD on a shelf, and its mine. That's it. I try not to think about the insanity that the knowledge of the existence of this music has caused amongst the faithful fans.

3. Was albumsix.com REALLY just some fan linking to the Weezer website just to stir rumors of a sixth album, or was it actually you or someone else involved with the band or record label?

it was NOT me or the label. It was really just a fan. I didn't know it was a fan for sure till recently actually, but i can vouch that its the truth now.

4. Speaking of album six, any details on that as of late(possible title, tracks, anything)?

nope.

5. What was it like getting to make Video Capture Device?

it was a thrill, albeit a frustrating, confusing, maddening one. It was awesome having so much say over a project that i knew was going to get a big release, but that was also frightening! Like: i knew what i thought was cool, but I'm just one dude, and i could be wrong! it was a bummer dealing with usage rights, a lot of cool stuff was cut, or blurred to the point of ruining it. it was fascinating learning how the stuff is edited, assembled, touched up, etc. Just watching the guy working on the "Smoke" and "Flame" rigs was cool, not to mention the countless hours in assembly, editing, sound synching, authoring, etc. A total learning experience. I'm overall happy with the result but if i could do it over again it would be better.

6. How did you get involved with making your own music?

a combination of my various musical friends and the Weezer guys recording so many demos and me witnessing how they did it. Realizing that my lack of musical training was a big hindrance, despite my growing tech knowledge, sense of melody and song structure. Lightbulb moment was in about 1997 with the advent of the cheap sampler and non-linear editing - now i had a way to make music!

7. How would you describe your style of music?

mixed media collage in the form of mostly instrumental mellow hip-hop. verses choruses and bridges, the way songs flow naturally.

8. Do you feel that alot of the music industry today has become too commercialized and cookie-cutter?

Yes. there's so much one could say on this. its a major bummer. But on the other hand, there's SO many indies now, plus the explosion of micro labels and myspace bands that just do their own thing. The most exciting stuff is almost always on small labels or from bands who came from small labels originally.

9. What has been the greatest single moment of your life so far?

Geez.....I tend to think in phases of time. you look back and things get grouped, and each stretch of time has its unique beautiful character with places, feelings, people, funny moments, etc... its really quite overwhelming to look back on the countless cool times I've experienced. Always comes back to the people you're with i think. You know, i don't think i can single out even 10 top moments - its MUCH easier to come up with 2-3 WORST moments actually - because they tend to stop the flow so completely that you can never forget them. But in all cases, these good and bad times are probably a bit too private for an interview.

10. If you could offer any advice to an aspiring musician out there, what would it be?

its a cliche but very true: planning gets you nowhere - its the actual doing that gets albums finished, shows booked, t-shirts printed etc. Use the web to its full potential - but remember that making an impression in the real world has a lot more impact than a click or a download can. Master both worlds if possible.

7/12/07- Let ye without sin cast the first stone...

Back in the early 90's, many people complained about two events that happened in music: Milli Vanilli lip-syncing and Vanilla Ice sampling Queen and David Bowie. The outrage that still goes on about these two events proves that today's "artists" are a bunch of hypocrites.

The Milli Vanilli incident. After they were caught lip-syncing, everyone and their mother, who was in some way involved with the recording industry, panned the duo. They were both run out of town and never heard from again. But these days, artists lip-syncing a song at a live performance is actually extremely common. I don't see the Grammy committee breaking any appointments to call a press conference and take away J-Lo's Grammys.

Vanilla Ice. To all the rappers out there today who call out people like Vanilla Ice, shame on you. How dare you criticize someone who, while even though his music still sucked in any case, sampled music beds from REAL artists of yesteryear. Sampling has become one of the most common practices in music today. It really is hypocrisy at it's finest.

Note: The fact that I am using these two musical acts as examples does not in any way, shape, or form imply that their music is, in fact, any good. Listening to either of these musical acts may result in a poor taste in music and/or friends.

7/11/07- Saturday morning shuffle...

Back in the 90's, cartoons and Saturday mornings went together like peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs, or Courtney Love and rehab. What has happened to ye old giant of Saturday morning kid-dom.

When I was a kid I was lucky enough to be around in the exact apex of Saturday morning cartoons. FOX had you covered with all of the superhero cartoons, WB had all of the silly cartoons, and ABC had alot of short-lived yet popular shows that have since gained niche audiences and cult status.

These days, I turn on the television on a Saturday morning(not that I watch cartoons at 18 years old, but it's fun to look back and check out how times have changed every now and again) and every single cartoon is some action-packed Japanese absurd concept that is somehow not that different then all of the other absurd Japanese concept-style cartoons.

What happened? How I now look back and long for the days of Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, Batman/Superman Adventures, X-Men, Spiderman, Transformers: Beast Wars, The Tick, and so many more.

Thank you corporate America, for raping Saturday mornings of their once glorious luster and replacing it with Japanimation clones.

7/10/07- Video capture device...

It's pretty fucking amazing how fast technology has improved all around since the 90's.

Take the camcorder for instance. Just ten years ago we were still forced to shell out big buck for an even bigger piece of equipment that just did standard VHS recordings. Now they come standard along with cameras inside all cell phones.

Speaking of which, cell phones have made some of the biggest strides technology wise since....well...the telephone? I mean, these things used to be big, bulky, and cumbersome to carry around. And all you could do was just talk on it. These days most cell phones are twice the size of your thumb and can do everything form take pictures, play music, record video, and even play video games.

Video games have also come along way. Can you imagine that at the start of the 90's we only had the 16 bit Nintendo Entertainment System? Now we have the HD ready Xbox 360! Amazing. How the fuck did we go from Super Mario to Gears of War anyway?

And finally, speaking of war, Back in the 90's we were in the middle of a war in Iraq under President Bush. Today, circa 2007, we are in the middle of a war in Iraq under President Bush. History repeating itself at it's finest.

7/9/07- Random Thoughts: 90's Edition...

To kick off 90's week I'm going to delve into my head and fish out some good old fashioned cynical observations about generation x.

* I like how everyone was fucking raving about boy bands back in the late 90's while I was telling everyone that they were all fags. Well, it's 2007 and it looks like a few million people owe me an apology.

* What was Nintendo thinking(and smoking) when they invented the Virtual Boy?

* Was "Super Mario Brothers" really that bad of a movie in retrospect?

* The Atkins diet made it's debut in the 90's. Millions bought into it. They must have all forgotten that Dr. Atkins died of heart disease. Whoops!

* Why in God's name would I want to "sweat to the oldies"? Let alone with Richard Simmons.

* Tamagotchi: For retards who can't take care of a REAL pet.

* The children of one female juror on the O.J. Simpson trail were happy when the trial was finally over and their mother had returned home. And it's no wonder, because she lets them get away with murder.

* The 90's: A time before Adam Sandler became overrated.

* Imagine a time without EMO........the 90's were a great time to be alive.

* Then: Fox has two massive hit shows and nothing else. Now: Fox has two massive hit shows and nothing else.

* Back then, people actually went to places called "music stores" to purchase these things known as "compact discs".

* If Kurt Cobain had never killed himself then we would never have had the Foo Fighters, Probot, The Eagles of Death Metal, or that kick-ass Queens of the Stone Age album with Dave Grohl on drums. If Nirvana had kept in tact, sans Kurt's suicide, then they might have just made shittier and shittier albums. So thank you for killing yourself Mr. Cobain! It might just be the best thing you could have done.

7/6/07- We are all on drugs...

What the fuck is going on in the world these days?

People are bombing buildings, children openly embrace ghetto culture in the suburbs, musical icons are formed out of shitty reality shows instead of actual talented people, people are wasting their money on iPhones, Mexicans are getting all of the jobs that teenagers and old people should be getting, Michael Bolton is still allowed to make music, Saturday Night Live is going down the shithole, MTV doesn't play music, G4 doesn't show video games, 60% of children are obese, Abe Vigoda STILL isn't dead yet, EMO is somehow the new dominant culture(WHY?!), Kanye West needs to shut his fucking mouth, MTV2 doesn't play music, the media has a liberal bias, FOX News has a conservative bias, terrestrial radio blows, Paris Hilton hasn't been assassinated yet, every other movie is a sequel, people can't take a fucking joke anymore, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Governor of California!

There are so many stupid mistakes and problems going on in the world today. Most of which could have been or still can be solved by using logic. Think about it, people. Give me your thoughts on some of them.

Weezer said it best: "We are all on drugs".

7/5/07- Thank you, come again...

I think that the ad wizards at Fox have finally done what some have been curious about doing for years now. As a promotion for the upcoming Simpsons movie, they have partnered with 7-11 to convert 12 of their stores into Kwik-E-Marts.

Some people say that this blatantly makes offense towards the Hindu-American community. Those people are stupid. It's a fucking promotion, lighten up. And how can you not lighten up when you walk into a 7-11 for the next month and find "Squishees", "Buzz Cola", and "Krusty-Os"(all actual limited edition items being sold at ALL 7-11s, not just the ones with the Kwik-E-Mart rebranding).

This is probably one of the smartest promotions in some time. Mostly because whoever enters a "Kwik-E-Mart" will automatically be bombarded with reminders of the impending movie's release. Thus generating awareness. Awareness will be a very valuable thing, as The Simpsons Movie is being released after the peak time for summer movie releases, so it will need a little extra promotion to bring in the big bucks at the box office.

All around, this is a nice, fun little promotion for what I hope will be one of the best movies of 2007.

7/4/07- The B-Side...

It's that time again where I present to you some of the blogs that were left on the cutting room floor of my Microsoft Word from the past month. Some were cut simply because they were too short. Others were cut simply because I didn't feel that they were good enough. Maybe I'm wrong and they are pretty damn good in hindsight. This is why I post them here. I call it "The B-Side". This time around I present you with two blogs about iStuff. The first is about a new movie idea, and the second is a follow up to my blog about the iPhone(affectionately dubbed "1.5" instead of 2 seeing as it is more of a follow up then a sequel).

B-Side #1: iMurder...

I have this idea for a new horror movie that might just be crazy enough to work. It's called "iMurder".

It is about a serial killed dubbed by police as the "iKiller" due to the fact that after he kills people, he leaves an iPod at the crime scene that contains a lone mp3 of the killer taunting the police and leaving vague clues to his whereabouts. The movie ends when, while the police are listening to the killer's latest mp3, they hear in the background of it the slight sounds of waves crashing onto a beach shore. This tiny detail, coupled with the killer's previous clues, lead the police to the killers hideout on the Jersey Shore. There is a shootout that results with the iKiller getting shot to death by police. At the very end of the movie, a final iPod is found in the killer's house. On it is an mp3 that tells the police that this won't be the last they've seen of him. The screen cuts to black, the audience cheers, and the possibility of a sequel is born.

B-Side #2: Phuck the iPhone 1.5...

I can't believe that people are actually camping out for days on end to get their funyon and failure stained hands on the new iPhone. It's fucking insane.

Why would I want to shell out $600 for a phone that does everything kind-of functionally? And let's just assume that I did live in my parent's basement and have been saving my allowance for months to buy an iPhone. There is still a $50 monthly fee.

So in one year, someone that has bought an iPhone will have paid around $1300 to get most of the same shit that a regular Verizon phone can do, for over $1000 more per year!

Bottom line: People are stupid.

7/3/07- State of the Blog...

I know, I know. I haven't been around in nearly 3 days. Why? Well I guess that will be the first thing on the docket today, now won't it?

*First of all, you didn't miss that much when you think about it. I only write one blog on the weekends, and then Monday you missed out. So quit your bitching, it was only two days. I was away for the weekend and thought I would be back Sunday night. Remember, I'm only one man(who has a fucking life). I might be gone here and there on the weekends sometimes(it's summer, people do shit). But trust me when I say that when I know that I'm going to be gone for more then three days, I will leave you a "best of" like I did a few weeks ago.

*The new picture. Since the State of the Blog is now an official periodic segment instead of just a weekly Sunday night update, I've decided to add a heading pic to jazz it up a little(please don't tell anyone I used the word "jazz" to describe something).

*90's week. A while back I stated that sometime in July there would be another "Theme Week"(much like the week of all music related blogs I did back in April). Well, I have decided that next week, starting on Monday, will be the much anticipated "90's Week". What will I be writing about? Many different things, from 90's cartoons, music, toys, movies, and the all around pop culture surrounding generation x.

*Fourth of July. Seeing as tomorrow is the fourth of July, I want to do something special. Therefore I will be posting "The B-Side"(something that was supposed to be posted on Saturday but I wasn't here to do it). For those of you who don't know, "The B-Side" is something posted on the last day of the month that includes a couple of blogs from that month that maybe weren't good enough or too short to be posted as a main attraction. Compare it to deleted scenes on the DVD that was last month.

See you all tomorrow.

6/29/07- This week's guest: Doug Benson...

Doug Benson is probably best known for his work as one of the many talking heads on Best Week Ever, he is also a contestant on the latest season of Last Comic Standing, he has played small roles in Curb Your Enthusiasm, Friends, Yes Dear, Cheap Seats, and is currently a recurring featured player on The Sarah Silverman Program, he was also a writer and performer on Mr. Show with Bob and Dave, he has also been featured on Comedy Central Presents, Benson was part of the writing team that created (and performed in) The Marijuana-Logues(a critically acclaimed off-Broadway play that is essentially The Vagina Monologues for pot), Doug was also awarded Stoner of the Year for 2006 by High Times magazine, he is currently working on the film project "Super High Me"(Super High Me documents Doug not smoking pot for 30 days and then smoking pot for 30 days in a row). A clip of Doug doing one of his trademark bits is posted below the interview.

1. How did you get interested in wanting to become a comic?

I was a fan of comics ever since I was a little kid, but I had no plans to become one. The first time I did stand-up was because my friends talked me into it. I'm forever grateful to them, even if I can't remember their names.

2. What was your first stand up gig like?

Pot luck night at The Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip. But after several auditions over many years, I couldn't get passed at that club. About six years after I started, I became a regular at the L.A. Improv and I've been there ever since.

3. What was the worst job you've ever had outside of comedy?

I was a dishwasher in a restaurant for three days. I quit in the middle of a shift. Just walked out without saying anything. Pretty much like all of my relationships.

4. What are "The Marijuana-Logues"?

It's a "play" that i co-wrote with comedians Arj Barker and Tony Camin that is basically comprised of all of our pot jokes. "The Vagina Monologues" with weed instead of choo choos. It played in a theatre off-Broadway for a year. We still do it from time to time, with various funny dudes filling in whenever one of us (or more) can't do it.

5. How did you end up becoming one of the many hilarious talking heads on Best Week Ever? What is the schedule like for that type of a show that probably needs comics on hand all the time to keep up with the breaking stories and current headlines?

That should be considered questuons 5 and 6. This whole thing is fucked up now. Nice work, man.

6. Whats on your iPod right now?

After I saw a few episodes Best Week Ever I thought it was right up my alley, so I asked my agent to get me an audition. I went in and taped some jokes that they used on that week's show and I've been on it ever since. I go in once a week, they tell me what stories to talk about, and I crack wise. Then on Friday night (or Saturday morning) I watch to see what got on and to laugh at some of the other panelist's comments. (I don't own an iPod.)

7. Whats on your Tivo/DVR right now?

Even though I have a joke in my act about TiVo, I don't have one. Don't want it, either. If I could record and watch everything I wanted to see on television, I would never get anything done.

8. What is "Super High Me"?

"Super Size Me" with weed instead of McDonalds. We filmed it last fall, and now we're looking for a distributor.

9. How does it feel to be High Times' Stoner of the Year for 2006?

I thought it was 2007. Well, they gave me the award in Oct. of '06, so i don't know which year I'm officially the top stoner. I'll look into it. (No I won't.)

10. What is it like being on "Last Comic Standing"?

It's really fun. It's exciting that so much is riding on each performance. In a club, if you ever have a bad night, you don't get thrown out. They even pay you! (i've never had a bad night.)

11. Any upcoming projects you would like to plug?

Uh..."Last Comic Standing" on NBC?

12. When you die, what do you want God to say to you at the pearly gates?

"I'm sorry so many people yelled 'I Love the 80s' at you even though you were on 'Best Week Ever.'"

13. Any parting words of advice for the readers?

No.

6/28/07- It came from Myspace!...

That's right. It's that time of the month again when I take you all inside the inner confines of Myspace to deliver to you something weird, abstract, horrifying, and sometimes even funny. This month's find is from someone with the display name "TeacherofBratz". It's the five worst shows of our generation. Enjoy!

TeacherofBratz:

"The 5 Worst TV Shows:

5. Family Matters
By 1989, Full House was a wildly popular (don't ask me why) show on ABC. The network brass thought it was a WONDERFUL idea to start a show like Full House, but only for the black demographic. Enter Family Matters. This show is terrible, complete with one of the most annoying characters in TV history (Urkel) and the annoying and lame piano solo at the end when a life lesson was being learned. It must have really been a blow to the ego to be another actor or actress on that show, knowing that you'd only get a minute or so of screen-time per episode so they could focus on the "wild" and "crazy" antics of Urkel. Ugh.

4. Laguna Beach
One thing I'll never understand is why somebody would watch a show about such rich, spoiled, unlikeable people. The only way I'll ever sit down and make an attempt to watch this show is if I get one courtesy punch in the face to a character of my choice. Aren't 16 year olds a little young for soap operas??

3. Step by Step
This show had perhaps the most cardboard and boring characters in sitcom history. That's no small feat either, since there were about 10 of them! Sasha Mitchell played the lovable moron Cody, who eventually got thrown off the show when he beat his wife. Other than that, I'd like to ask people who like this show to tell me what exactly it was they liked about the characters. I am pretty sure they were designed to have no personalities whatsoever. Ask yourself...can you even NAME them?? I'll bet most of you can't.

2. Yes, Dear
Watching a guy with no testicles get bossed around by his domineering wife isn't a funny backdrop for a show. it gets worse when you throw in their relatives living in the backyard. Basically, the show's jokes revolved around how wacky and different their opinions were on raising their little children. Sound funny?? I don't think so either.

1. Full House
It had everything:
- Very annoying characters...starting with Michelle and going on down the list.- The lame piano solo at the end when the lesson was learned. Of course, the children really never got in trouble no matter what they do. Wimpy parenting at its finest!- Very, VERY lame jokes. If you need me to explain further, just remember one name: Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey). Remember his impersonations?? Me neither."

6/27/07- The death of Chris BenWHAAAA!...

As most of you know by now, WWE "superstar" Chris Benoit murdered his wife, seven year old son, and then committed suicide in their California home a few days ago. But the boneheads at the WWE did a three hour tribute to him on Monday, knowing full well that he had murdered his family. Whoops!

How could they possibly have the balls to pay tribute to a dude that just committed a double homicide and suicide? The best is when Stephanie McMahon talks about how "passionate he was about family". Oh, he was passionate all right. He was full of fucking passion when he was killing his wife and son. Here's the boss's daughter with her take on Mr. benoit being a "passionate family man":



The following night, Vince McMahon came on and apologized. Too bad it came AFTER the three hour tribute to a man who killed his wife and son. Again, WHOOPS!

6/26/07- Paris is burning(or is that just the herpes talking?)...

I can't believe that three weeks of a Paris Hilton-free world could go by so damn fast. It seems like only yesterday she was sent to jail, freed from jail, then sent back to jail again.

But now that she's out, the whole entertainment industry is a buzz with thoughts of what her next move will be. Will she become a new person and repent her ways? Or put out a new reality show? Or "accidentally" leak a new porno of her doing cocaine of off a fat dude's gunt? WHO CARES? I really could care less what she does, and you shouldn't care either.

By now, everyone has seen the footage of her waltzing out of prison into her loving mother's arms. What kind of fucking, warped-out, snobby, assholes do these people think they are? Your daughter films not one, but two porno tapes that get leaked onto the Internet, goes out and parties 24/7, sets the worst example humanly possibly for our country's youth, and shows absolutely no humility by flaunting her affluence(as well as other things) every fucking chance she gets, violates probation and goes to jail for carelessness, and yet you still have the fucking balls to welcome her back to your life with open arms? Are you kidding me?

If anybody else did just one of those things they would be disowned by their parents and run out of town with a scarlet letter on their chest. How can the media just give these types of celebutards airtime over issues like the war in Iraq and the low approval rating of both the president and congress(an issue that, if given proper airtime, could possibly cause shake-ups in the congress and a presidential impeachment).

And, to add more fuel to the fire, Larry King has paid Paris a cool two million dollars for her first public interview this Wednesday. Great. I can hardly wait to hear what she thought of the minimum security prison she was in. "But she lost 10 pounds and was forced to eat bologna and cheese sandwiches". FUCK YOU! Homeless people would kill(and probably have) for a bologna and cheese sandwich.

I hope that all of these rich Hollywood sluts would all crash their Lamborghinis into an AIDs tree and fucking die already so that I never have to hear about their "problems" ever again.

"Best of" for 6/22/07 - 6/26/07...

Click the link to go to special "Best of" page.

bestofvaf89.blogspot.com

6/21/07- Asshole of the Month...

This month's asshole:

James Pendaveris from Tempe, Arizona.

Young James here was feeling down one day, and decided to shake things up a bit. He decided to play a prank on his roommate. So he grabbed some saran wrap, ran into the bathroom, and made the old saran wrap on the toilet seat gag. When his roommate found out about this the hard way, he was understandably pissed. But when he walked outside the next morning he was further pissed off by the fact that James had also wrapped saran wrap around his entire car. Because he had to waste time ripping the saran wrap off of his car, he was late for work and docked pay.

Congratulations James! For making your roommate shit himself, wrapping his car in saran wrap, and forcing him to be late for work and lose a day's pay, I declare you a bonafide fucking asshole!

And remember, keep sending in your submissions for next month's asshole to assholeofthemonth@hotmail.com.

6/20/07- A heart-warming tale about love, family values, and double homicide...

A few months ago, O.J.Simpson released a book entitled "If I Did It". In it he describes what might have happened if he had "really" killed his wife Nicole and Ron Goldman. The book was supposed to be shipped out to bookstores everywhere but was rightfully banned and cancelled by Reagen publishing just before it's release.

Well, yesterday www.tmz.com got a hold of a few leaked passages from O.J.'s book and posted them on their website. But a pending lawsuit threatens to pull these (non)murder confessions forever. So therefore I have posted O.J.'s confessio...I mean, fiction-based novel below.

The opening passage:

"I'm going to tell you a story you've never heard before, because no one knows this story the way I know it. It takes place on the night June 12, 1994, and it concerns the murder of my ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her young friend, Ronald Goldman. I want you to forget everything you think you know about that night because I know the facts better than anyone. I know the players. I've seen the evidence. I've heard the theories. And, of course, I've read all the stories: That I did it. That I did it but I don't know I did it. That I can no longer tell fact from fiction. That I wake up in the middle of the night, consumed by guilt, screaming."

O.J. talks about how he (would have)murdered his wife:

"I looked over at Goldman, and I was fuming. I guess he thought I was going to hit him, because he got into his little karate stance. "What the fuck is that?" I said. "You think you can take me with your karate shit?" He started circling me, bobbing and weaving, and if I hadn't been so fucking angry I would have laughed in his face. "O.J., come on!" It was Charlie again, pleading. Nicole moaned, regaining consciousness. She stirred on the ground and opened her eyes and looked at me, but it didn't seem like anything was registering. Charlie walked over and planted himself in front of me blocking my view. "We are fucking done here, man-let's go!" I noticed the knife in Charlie's hand, and in one deft move I removed my right glove and snatched it up. "We're not going anywhere," I said, turning to face Goldman. Goldman was still circling me, bobbing and weaving, but I didn't feel like laughing anymore. "You think you're tough, motherfucker?" I said. I could hear Charlie just behind me, saying something, urging me to get the fuck out of there, and at one point he even reached for me and tried to drag me away, but I shook him off, hard, and moved toward Goldman. "Okay, motherfucker!" I said. "Show me how tough you are!" Then something went horribly wrong, and I know what happened, but I can't tell you exactly how. I was still standing in Nicole's courtyard, of course, but for a few moments I couldn't remember how I'd gotten there, when I'd arrived, or even why I was there. Then it came back to me, very slowly: The recital-with little Sydney up on stage, dancing her little heart out; me, chipping balls into my neighbor's yard; Paula, angry, not answering her phone; Charlie, stopping by the house to tell me some more ugly shit about Nicole's behavior. Then what? The short, quick drive from Rockingham to the Bundy condo. And now? Now I was standing in Nicole's courtyard, in the dark, listening to the loud, rhythmic, accelerated beating of my own heart. I put my left hand to my heart and my shirt felt strangely wet. I looked down at myself. For several moments, I couldn't get my mind around what I was seeing. The whole front of me was covered in blood, but it didn't compute. Is this really blood? I wondered. And whose blood is it? Is it mine? Am I hurt?"

See you in Hell O.J.! You stupid media whore.