Friday, September 28, 2007
It's that time again. The time, each month, where I dig into my hundreds of e-mails and filter out only the best of the worst to be answered. "The Vaf89 Mailbag". Enjoy.
Frank from Georgia writes:
"In regard to your post about Dr. Seuss being gay, what evidence do you have to support such a brazen and childish claim? Or are you just making it all up? Maybe you're such a terrible blogger that you feel the need to mislead your readers and go off on wild rants about the sexual orientation of one of our greatest childhood heroes. It's people like you that make the terrorists hate us."
First of all, I severely doubt that I'm the reason that the terrorists hate us. If anything, they would love me for potentially soiling the legacy of one of America's most beloved childhood icons.
Second, I never actually claimed to have any evidence whatsoever that he was gay. I simply just went on a wild rant involving comical bulletpoints that made light of the fact that many of his books(intended for children, mind you) contained many homosexual innuendos. But to answer your question: Yes. I did make up everything in that post. Instead of being original and stealing jokes and ideas from somewhere else, I decided to come up with my own jokes and banter, and put them into print. Fucking idiot.
Jenna from Ohio writes:
"What the fuck do you have against EMOs?"
You are a fucking douchebag. I refuse to be redundant, so I will direct you to the following link: http://vaf89.blogspot.com/2007/09/91207-vins-fg-uncensored-i-hate-emo.html
Now go run along and daydream of razorblades and pointless, silent rebellion.
Pete from Florida writes:
"How can you honestly say that Kanye West sucks? Where are your millions of dollars in album sales?"
I never said that he wasn't successful. I simply just said that he is a terrible artist that just so happens to be appealing to stupid white kids between the ages of 12-16 who live in large suburban areas, while simultaneously setting black people back 50 years. It's people like Kanye West that make the word "nigger" feel so right, when you know it's so wrong.
As for his millions of dollars in album sales, I hope that he loses all of it in a tragedy worse then 9-11, Pearl Harbor, and Hurricane Katrina combined. Also, like me, you too don't have millions of dollars in album sales. But, unlike me, you bought into his bullshit, subsequently adding to his millions of dollars. You should feel proud of yourself for successfully becoming a corporate tool.
As a staff member and reviewer for my local radio station(WSIA 88.9fm New York), I receive advance copies of all the new music that comes out several days or even a couple of weeks in advance. Recently I received an advance copy of the Foo Fighters new album "Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace".
To describe this latest offering from them as a solid effort would be a gross understatement. This might just be their best album since 1996's "The Colour and the Shape". "Echoes.." mixes some of the Foo Fighters strongest hard rock to date with some of their greatest acoustic work to date.
The album starts off with "The Pretender", "Let it Die", and "Erase/Replace". All solid tracks of stylized rock excellence. Then the album moves into more acoustic territory, but quickly jump right back into familiar territory to their last album "Skin and Bones".
It's tracks like the aforementioned "Let it Die" that make you realize how much better Linkin Park's latest album could have been. In other words: This album puts every other major rock album that was released this year to shame and shows you how the big boys do it.
Only the Foo Fighters could successfully create an album that brings together the best aspects of hard rock and acoustic offerings.
Recommended tracks: 1, 2, 3, 4, 7.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
This past week, Iranian leader, and Steve Carrell look-a-like, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, spoke at Columbia University. This sparked the outrage of Americans from sea to shining sea.
Why is the leader of Iran, the nation that funded the destruction of the twin towers, getting to speak as a guest of honor at a major U.S. university? It makes no sense whatsoever. I like when people assume that this is a free speech issue. It’s not.
It’s simple logic and how you want to represent yourself. Is it logical to invite the head of a dictatorship to speak in a university that is located in the middle of a city that he helped to fund the partial destruction of? No. Is it a good idea to have that man speak to young, impressionable minds in an open forum about how he has no homosexuals in his country[because he killed them all]? Hell no.
Quite frankly, fuck the leader of Iran. He came to our country, spoke his evil rhetoric, got bad press, and he deserves every bit of it. He doesn’t deserve the right to come to our nation at all, let alone speak in it. He is a terrorist. Would you invite Osama Bin Laden to speak at N.Y.U.? I think not.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Halo 3. That pretty much sums it up.
Yes, it's finally here. Yes, it's fucking awesome. Yes, people spend WAY too much time playing it.
I still can't believe that people are taking days and weeks off work to play a game. A game. At the end of the day, I like Halo 3 as much as the next guy, but i'm not going to leave my job to play, what boils down to, a game(a fucking awesome game, but a game none the less).
Read my lips: Get out of your parent's basement and experience fresh air, sunshine, companionship, and most importantly, life! Do you realize how much time some people have wasted playing Halo? Literally, whole years worth of time. Time that could have been spent making REAL friends, getting a job, studying enough to get over a 900 on the S.A.T.s.
LIVE, goddammit, LIVE! Get outside and live your life as if it were the last day on earth. Because one day it will be, and you will just be stuck with a stack of Hustlers, a pile of Hot Pocket wrappers, and a wasted life, my friends.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
The long-running Saturday Night Live cast member, star of "Beerfest" and "The Brothers Solomon", and former writer for "That 70's Show" took some time out this week to grant a fellow Forte an interview. Just in case you haven't seen Will on SNL before(or you've just been living under a rock), posted below the interview is one of Will's most famous sketches, involving him and a certain 2007 Super Bowl winning quarterback. Enjoy, and for the record, Will and I are not related to each other.
1. How did you first get interested in wanting to get into comedy?
I'm not sure. I think I always wanted to do it but got serious about it a few years after getting out of college.
2. How did you end up landing a spot on SNL?
I was doing shows at the Groundlings while I was working at That 70s Show as a writer and one night Lorne Michaels came to see one of our shows. I got lucky and had a good show that night and Lorne asked me to come audition for the show.
3. Any funny, behind-the-scenes-type, stories from SNL that involve you and that week's host?
There are a bunch of funny things that have happened. The weirdest thing that ever happened was the week that Matthew McConaughey hosted. We have a meeting in between our dress rehearsal show and the live show where we find out what makes it onto the show. All of us were in Lorne's office, including Matthew who was wearing a sarong with no shirt for some reason. One of my sketches had been cut so I was just bummed out, staring at a fixed point in the room for a while. Suddenly, I sensed that there was a head attached to this fixed point I was staring at. When I focused, I realized that the fixed point I was staring at was Matthew's bare chest and he totally caught me. Anyway, I started looking all over the room to make it seem like I wasn't just looking at his chest. But to him, it just seemed like I was checking out his chest for a good long while.
4. Sketch that you are most proud of?
I did a Spelling Bee sketch on the Jack Black show. I used to do that at the Groundlings and it's always been one of my favorites. And then last year, I got to do a sketch with Peyton Manning where I was a coach trying to motivate my team by playing this stupid song and dancing to it. And I just had a really fun time doing it.
5. I heard somewhere that you used to work on "That 70's Show". What was your job on that show?
I was a writer on the show. It was one of the best jobs ever. We had a great time and the hours were really good. And that's rare for a writing job.
6. What music are you currently listening to on your iPod?
I'm really into Deerhoof at the moment.
7. TV shows you are currently watching?
I've been watching the Bret Michaels dating show, Rock of Love. But I'm waiting for Lost and 24 to start up again.
8. What was it like to portray President Bush?
I don't do Bush anymore. It was fun while I was doing it, but it was hard for me. I'm not very good at doing impressions, so I was always in my head about it. But Jason Sudeikis is doing it now and he does a great job with it, so it all worked out for the best.
9. When you die, what do you want God to say to you at the pearly gates?
Welcome. This is where you will be living now.
10. Any upcoming projects that you would like to plug?
The Brothers Solomon just came out and SNL starts up on September 29. So check them both out!
11. Any random words of advice for the readers?
Just do what you think is funny. Don't worry about what other people tell you to do. If you think it's funny, then you've succeeded!
Will Forte and Peyton Manning on SNL:
He really doesn't. All he cares about is pushing his latest, shitty, ego-centric album on you. If his new album sucks so bad, then why has it sold so extraordinarily well? Hype. All hype. It's the key smoke-and-mirrors element to selling hit albums when the hit albums in question suck.
When an album is so bad that good, honest, old-fashioned reliable fan bases, aware and informed casual listeners, and word-of-mouth just won't due, hype is the one key ingredient to ensure that stupid people everywhere will simply just assume that your album is worth more then it really is.
When in reality it is merely just a collection of shitty lyrics recorded over samples of other people's "real" music. It probably takes Kanye West five hours(if that) and a Mr. Microphone to record one of his crap-tastic albums, and you people all just run out and buy them like they're the greatest thing since The Beatles' White Album.
The bottom line is that all Kanye West cares about is feeding his unbelievably huge, Stalin-esque ego. And congratulations America, you've just helped his succeed!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Some say that clothes make the man. I say that this is partially true. It really depends.
I'm definitely far from being a fashion guru of any sorts, but sometimes you just have to stop, look at certain people around you, and ask: what the fuck are you thinking?
Today I was walking around my college campus and saw a 350 pound man in a large, green sweater. It was 75 degrees outside. It was far from cold. Did he think it would cover up his grotesque stomach or make him appear "cool"? If he was wearing one in the middle of December, then ok. But September? Come on, have some common sense.
The other day I saw a girl wearing a shirt that said "I hate my parents". Really, what does that actually imply? Does she really hate her parents? Is the shirt just supposed to be some sort of biting commentary on our culture? Or did the color of the shirt just so happen to match her pants? Either way, the fact of the matter is that she probably bought the shirt at "Hot Topic"(hardly a statement of rebellion).
Finally, I just don't understand the rational behind guys wearing pink shirts. These people whom I speak of don't claim to be gay, so then why the pink shirt, Mr. Faggy McLooksLikeAHomo? Is it because you are so masculine that you need to balance things out by wearing something that brings you down to an average masculine level? Probably not the case.
I remember the days when clothes meant style, not in a gay, i'm keeping my eye on fashion trends, kind-of way. But more of a cultural way. People who wore darker clothes were identified as more down-to-earth and real, while brighter colored clothes represented a more lax attitude towards your life.
But now it seems that the rules have been thrown out the window and representation by first glance means nothing. Whether or not this is a good or bad thing has yet to be seen. Only time will tell when our generation moves forward and analyzes it's past.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
It was reported a little while back that people are coming out(no pun intended) and claiming that the late, great Dr. Seuss was gay. C'mon, really? No shit!
Was Dr. Seuss really gay? Well, he created the Lorax. So that should tell you something. Anyone who creates a story about a furry creature with a trunk trying to protect the environment must be a fag.
And "The Cat in the Hat"? Flaming? Yup. How else can you describe a big cat with a striped hat breaking into little kid's houses when their parents aren't home in order to show them how to "have fun"? That's gay and illegal. And "Thing one and Thing two"? Come on, do I need to spell it out for you?
Remember "Seussical the Musical"? It was directed by Rosie O'Donnell. What more proof do you need? Nobody whose straight: A) Makes a musical in the first place. and B) Has Rosie O'Donnell direct it.
"Green Eggs and Ham"? Obviously a nickname for Seuss' genitals(that sick fuck).
Saturday, September 15, 2007
This month's asshole: Brad Joyella from Gary, Indiana.
One fine day over this past summer, our man Brad felt like pulling a prank on his roommate, Dave. So one day, while Dave was at work, Brad decided to record footage from the Logo Network(the gay and lesbian channel) over all of his friend's DVDs. Sounds like a funny idea, right? Until Dave came home to find that his video presentations that he had made for work the next day were gone and instead replaced with footage of gay pride parades and home decorating shows. Needless to say, Dave was pissed. He ended up getting fired from his job at a very well-respected production company, and now has to work full-time for a major retail chain whose name rhymes with "Ball-Cart".
So for taping gay television(literally) over your friend's presentation, getting him fired from work, and forcing him to now work for minimum wage at a major shopping conglomerate, I name you, Brad Joyella, the new "Asshole of the month".
Friday, September 14, 2007
*First up, you may all be wondering why I have disabled all comments. I have done this in order to put more of a focus on the actual blog posts, rather then the comments. If you want your voice heard, just e-mail me at email@example.com and if you letter is good enough it will be shown during the state of the blog. If you send me any hate mail, It might just get ripped a new asshole in the "VAF89 Mailbag" segment that I do at the end of each month. So there.
*Guests. Now that my vacation has been over for a couple of weeks now, I am starting to book guest interviews. Expect a new interview as soon as the next couple of weeks.
*"Saturday Night Live". Last Saturday I premiered a new segment that showcases a different live cut from an artist of my choosing. I received an overwhelming amount of positive mail about it. Expect a new edition each and every Saturday. This week's live set: "Get Free" by The Vines(It's their infamous performance on Letterman that ended with the lead singer almost killing the drummer with his guitar).
*The "Asshole of the month" is fast approaching, so send in your last minute asshole stories to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
First of all. For those who don't remember the original: http://vaf89.blogspot.com/2007/02/21307-vins-fg-uncensored-i-hate-emo.html
Now, on to part deux.
People of earth, the days of long bangs, tight baby-blue shirts, mascara, and wrist-slitting may soon be over. I have noticed a cultural trend in the past few months: people are finally starting to realize that EMO is simply just goth for pussies. Folks all across the nation are finally separating the two components of EMO and finally choosing a side.
Those two parts? Goth and Pop. These, my friends, are two great tastes that, when separated, are very much tolerable to the human senses. But when combined, bring about mass public confusion and wrongful rethinking of the basic properties of rock, nay, music itself.
I'm starting to see more and more people each and every day start to rebel against this trend of pussified, watered-down dribble. It comes down to you either liking Metal or Pop. You may only choose one, so choose wisely. For the path you choose warrants no option to go back.
Now that this shift in our musical culture is almost over, it begs the question: what's next? What will end up being the next un-godly mash-up of two semi-popular forms of music? Jazz + Techno = Jazzno? Picture Ella Fitzgerald on a Steven Tyler-esque acid trip. Or what about Bluegrass + Rap = Rapgrass? Picture 50 Cent in a cornfield rapping about the hardships of a bad harvest season as Lil' Jon plays the banjo while wearing a straw hat and overalls.
Well, whatever crazy new trend comes through the musical pipeline, there is always the one simple truth that it will always, undoubtedly suck.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
It has been six years since 9/11 and still no sign of Osama Bin Laden. Great job, Bush(you fucking asshole).
Our government took the focus away from Afghanistan and decided to have a big old clusterfuck out in Iraq. Granted, I was for the war at first, I now want the troops to leave. Not because of the reasons that the Democrats want, but because the Iraqi government doesn't care about our troops. You know, the troops that are doing everything they can the hold that fucking sand turd of a country together?
The Iraqi government has taken breaks for whole months at a time while our troops still die for them on a daily basis. Therefore, I suggest that we pull out and leave those ungrateful dipshits to their own demise.
The people of Iraq need to get motivated. America is not going to change their country so long as Iraq will not cooperate with us. If the Iraqi people had started to revolt in the streets over Saddam, then the whole world would have gotten the message that they wanted help. But now instead, we have whole nations pulling out troops, as well as an American congress who is looking to de-fund the troops that they sent into Iraq in the first place.
By the way, did I mention that we still haven't caught Osama yet?
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Welcome to the new segment entitled: "Saturday Night Live". Every Saturday I will scour the public archives(also known as Youtube) for the best live performances from your(ok, really my) favorite artists. This week's live cut is from the Foo Fighters on "Late Night with David Letterman" 2/15/97 performing "Everlong":
Thursday, September 6, 2007
This month's entry comes from someone with the Myspace name "Danny Domino". He writes about not having to go to school anymore, mostly because he's a 35 year old alcoholic who lives alone. Enjoy!
"Well gang, by now a lot of you are back to school. Booooo! School blows! I'm so glad I never have to go back to that hell hole again. But just because my school days are over doesn't mean my life is a breeze. Here are some Highs and Lows about being out of school.
HIGH- Not having to wake up early.
LOW- Not having a reason to wake up at all.
HIGH- Not having to ride the crappy school bus.
LOW- Still having to ride the crappy city bus.
HIGH- Not having to cover my books with a brown paper bag.
LOW- Having to cover my Gin with a brown paper bag when I drink in the park.
HIGH- Not having to worry about my lunch money being taken by punks.
LOW- Not having any money at all.
HIGH- Not being yelled at for falling asleep in class.
LOW- Being yelled at for falling asleep at the bar.
HIGH- Not having to eat lunch alone in the cafeteria.
LOW- Eating lunch alone in the kitchen.
HIGH- Not having to do homework.
LOW- Having to do housework.
HIGH- Not being sent to the office for destroying school property.
LOW- Being sent to jail for destroying public property.
HIGH- Not having to answer to the jerkwad vice Principal.
LOW- Having to answer to the jerkwad judge.
HIGH- Not having to see any of my lame classmates faces ever again.
LOW- Not even the cute girls.
DOUBLE HIGH- Who the hell cares because I have way cooler friends on myspace!
Thanks a ton for helping me get through my crappy, sometimes horrible, but mostly awesome life! You guys all rock harder then Motley Crue in 1987!"
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Recently, I started my new job at "Target". I am fast realizing how fucking stupid people can be. Some of the more stupid questions I've had to deal with over the past few weeks:
"How much is this?" I don't fucking know. How about you just open your fucking eyes and read the goddamn price tag, you dumb fuckstain.
"Can I try these underpants on before I buy them?" Are you fucking kidding me? Yes. By all means, go ahead and please enjoy de-fouling our store products with your hairy, crab-infested genitals and un-wiped ass.
"Do these pants make me look fat?" Nope. It's your huge ass that makes you look fat.
"Do you know where I could find the Malibu Barbie dolls?" Why would you even begin to assume that I have any fucking clue where to locate that particular item in the store? Now sporting goods and DVDs I can help you with. But use some common sense people.
"This [item] is broken. I want a refund." No! I'm not that dumb. I know full well that you went home, got your use out of [item], and then broke it intentionally so that you could get your money back. Nice try.
"I think I might have broken your toilet, can you....." NO! NO! NO! Whatever your question is, the answer is no.
Monday, September 3, 2007
I'm actually shocked that this thought had never previously entered my head until now. It's very surprising that it took over half a year to post a blog about this.
I hate it when fat people go to a fast-food place and order two cheeseburgers, fries, chicken wings, extra everything, and then have the bull-size balls to order a diet coke. Are you fucking kidding me?
I'm 100% positive that the diet coke will not, I repeat, NOT make up for the amount of fatty juices that you are ingesting into your body and clogging your arteries. In fact, if you are one of these fat fucks who orders everything(including the kitchen sink) and then orders a diet coke, you deserve to have your arteries clogged to the point that you drop dead and make room for more important life-forms like squirrels or cardboard boxes.
At least the cardboard box is good for holding things, unlike your pants that can barely fit anything with your fat ass in them. I don't pity these people because they do this to themselves. My advice: Get off the diet coke and get on a fucking treadmill!
Sunday, September 2, 2007
This month's look into the cutting room floor includes another rant about Paris Hilton as well as an extra paragraph that was cut out of last week's post: "The joy of sect...". Enjoy!
Paris Hilton [insert S.T.D. joke here]...
Finally, someone in this world has a fucking brain. This week, Paris Hilton's grandfather(and owner of the Hilton hotel chain) has cut Paris out of his will. Thus taking away millions upon millions of dollars that would have gone to her.
Want to guess what the old genius is going to do with the money instead? Keep it to himself? Spend it on cheap blow and hookers? Wrong. He's giving it to charity! Oh the sweet, sweet irony.
The system works!
The joy of sect[bonus content]...
The National Rotary Club. I don't know what that is. I don't care what it is. All I know is that there were a group of guys standing at a card table, wearing Hawaiian shirts, and singing showtunes. That can't be anything good. I high-tailed it away from that table faster then Superman on acid.