4/30/07- Hockey Monkey...

For the past few years my favorite sport, hockey, has been in a popularity slump ever since the 2004-2005 season lockout. Here now are just two of my many ideas on how to spice up the greatest game on ice and get it back into good standing with the general public.

First of all, move the games back to ESPN. There is absolutely no reason why hockey is on at three o'clock on NBC on Sundays and on the "Verses" network prime time lineup. What the fuck is Verses anyway? Other than hockey I can't name one single program on Verses if you had a gun to my head. Seriously. What the fuck is this channel supposed to be? For all I know it could be showing gay polar bears scrubbing Michael Moore's fat liberal taint with Crisco rags for three hour blocks each day at four in the afternoon. I simply don't know.

Next, and lastly, hockey needs a good halftime show. For years other sports like football and basketball have been treated to world-class entertainment from around the U.S. Well now it's hockey's turn. My halftime show will be the greatest spectacle on ice, as well as anywhere else for that matter. It involves ten monkeys skating out onto the ice during the second period intermission to the opening theme from "Fight Club" while wearing Greeco-Roman gladiator outfits and wielding machetes. As each monkey is gleefully skating around the rink, a loud buzzer sounds, thus disrupting the monkeys concentration and whipping them into a mad frenzy. Now that the monkeys are riled up they quickly stumble across the ice in an angry and futile attempt to find out which one of the other monkeys set off the pre-planted buzzer. When the little hairy culprit can't be found they simply just hack and slash their way to freedom in a wild panic until only one simeon remains in a rink now covered in monkey blood and hairy animal limbs. But it will be the paying audience who gets the last laugh, as the Death Zamboni emerges at the end of the bloody brawl to clean up the mess. It's two missions: to eliminate all of the blood and fur from the ice......as well as the remaining monkey.

Just a thought.

4/29/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week ending April 29, 2007:

Well, it's been quite an eventful week of blogging. From some Korean douchebag shooting up Virginia Tech, to Alec Baldwin's hilarious voicemail of verbal child abuse, and hamburgers loaded with horse genitals and camel shit. No, you simply won't find any other blog on the web quite as random and interesting as vaf89.blogspot.com.

I have just one bullet point to get to this week:

* Thank you to everyone who has been watching "Human Giant". I can't believe how many e-mails I've received telling me how on the money I was when I endorsed and recommended that all of my readers should check it out. Even though it might only be a few thousand people checking out the show due to my blog, the guys have been adamant about expressing their thanks to people like me who have used the internet, and specifically blogs, to help get the word out. They did alot of grass roots promotion for the show and it's really been a strategy that has paid off in a big way. So keep watching, thanks to everyone for helping to make "Human Giant" a hit, and go buy "Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story"(trust me, if you like HG you'll love this film).

To read my interview with Paul Scheer, Rob Huebel, and Aziz Ansari of Human Giant, click on the link below:

http://vaf89.blogspot.com/2007/04/this-weeks-guests-paul-scheer-rob.html

4/27/07- Fitzy in his glory as the Sox sweep the Skankees in their first meet of the season...

I've decided to post this today instead of tomorrow because I'll be gone from tonight until Sunday afternoon(that, and I don't have a celebrity interview for this week). This week our Boston correspondent Fitzy celebrates the Red Sox sweeping their first series of the year against the Yankees(great success). So sit back, crack a cold one, relax, enjoy, and then Go Fuck Yourself. Also, don't forget to visit www.townienews.com for all of the Fitzy content you can handle, including exclusive blogs, airchecks, and the entire archive of past "Wicked Pissah Webcasts".

4/26/07- X-Ray Hamburger...

I was reading google news the other day, when I noticed a report about how alot of fast food places are now going to start thinking about stopping their importing of beef from India due to high costs. That's their reason for stopping imported Indian beef? High costs?!

What about the fact that their beef comes from some dirty, rundown sweatshop in the middle of India where the meat is probably manhandled by dirty, underpaid(and therefore angry and poor preforming) Indians? That would probably be my first fucking concern(unless I didn't care about the well-being of my customers, McDonald's).

The next time you chow down on some shitty burger from McDonald's, just think for one second about what exactly it is you might actually be ingesting(hair? radiation? soylent green maybe?). Sure, the burger you're eating COULD actually be made of cow beef, or it could actually be made of camel feces and ground up horse scrotum. The point is, we simply don't know. Although if I was in Vegas right now, I'd probably put three grand on the horse penis.

A story like this is just more proof that the big corporations don't give a fuck about you, your health, or your quality of life. Why else would they so nonchalantly announce that they are JUST NOW after decades of being in business cutting Indian beef from their roster of shitty value meals?

4/25/07- Father knows best...

As you probably all know by now, actor Alec Baldwin(not to be confused with Steven, Billy, or Danial Baldwin) has been caught by TMZ.com leaving an obscene voicemail to his daughter. We here at vaf89.blogspot.com would be doing a disservice to our audience if we did not supply you fine folks with the complete transcript and accompanying audio file of this hilarious piece of verbal child abuse. So without further ado, I present you with the full, uncensored transcript with a direct link to the voicemail located right below it. Enjoy!

Alec:

"Hey, I want to tell you something, OK? And I want to leave a message for you right now. 'Cause again, it's 10:30 here in New York on a Wednesday, and once again I've made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone to call you at a specific time. When the time comes for me to make the phone call, I stop whatever I'm doing and I go and I make that phone call. At 11 o'clock in the morning in New York and if you don't pick up the phone at 10 o'clock at night. And you don't even have the goddamn phone turned on. I want you to know something, OK?"

"I'm tired of playing this game with you. I'm leaving this message with you to tell you you have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me. You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don't give a damn that you're 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you're a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone."

"And when I come out there next week, I'm going to fly out there for the day just to straighten you out on this issue. I'm going to let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. You've made me feel like shit and you've made me feel like a fool over and over and over again. And this crap you pull on me with this goddamn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother and you do it to me constantly and over and over again. I am going to get on a plane and I am going to come out there for the day and I am going to straighten your ass out when I see you."

"Do you understand me? I'm going to really make sure you get it. Then I'm going to get on a plane and I'm going to turn around and come home. So you'd better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me. So I'm going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, OK?"

CLICK LINK TO HEAR AUDIO:
http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/0419_baldwin.mp3

4/24/07- Godzilla vs. The 750 Pound Man...

I was perusing around my Tivo the other day, when I stumbled upon a special on TLC about the life and times of the 750 pound man(you can see where this is going).This special was quite possibly the most unintentionally funny show I've ever seen. Here are some of my personal observations gathered from watching this hilarious obese man wobble around his house.

First and foremost, how in God's name does this guy wipe his ass? Does he have a special wand or stick with a towel on it to reach back there? Speaking of his fat ass, I forgot to mention that this guy is so fat that his ass has melded with his couch. Yup, you heard me right. His ass and couch are one in the same(I wish so badly that I was making this up).

Then you have his eating habits. He eats a whole pizza pie, a big case of Chinese takeout, a foot long hero, and two whole bottles of Pepsi to drink down with it. And that's just his lunch(again, I wish I was making this up).

Then you have this guy's wife(yes, he's married). This fat bitch has to be at least 450 pounds, easy. It's so funny to watch these two fat loads talk about dieting with each other. How much could they possibly lose if they both put their flabby minds to it? OK, let's assume they each drop 75, 100 pounds.....probably wouldn't even make a dent. Like people are going to walk up to him and go: "You know Bob, there's something different about you, but I can't quite put my finger on it." or "Look at you, you're a fucking rail."

But alas, our morbidly obese friend dies at the end of the show(that's some fucking finale). But before you all send me e-mails saying how mean I am for making fun of a man who died, I dare any of you to not laugh at the fact that when he died they had to cut the roof off of his house, lift him out with a crane, and bury him in a piano case(now that's comedy).

4/23/07- Secret Asian man...

Like I've always said: people are fucked up. And no one proves my point better quite like that crazy Korean guy that shot over 30 people at Virginia Tech last week. I realize that there are many different layers and angles to this story, so here are the main bullet points that appeal to me:

* The security. How the fuck was he allowed to pull this off in the first place? Was there really that little security on campus? This fucking douchebag had enough time to shoot two people, walk back to his van, record a video log of what just happened, write an 1800 word manifesto, drive to the post office, mail an envelope filled with tapes and letters to NBC, drive back to campus, get his guns equipped and ready, walk across campus, and kill 30 more people before blowing his head off. That's a shit load of time that COULD have been used to lockdown the school. Maybe if the whole place was locked down he would have been stopped on the way out of campus to mail the letter or had been spotted by a security camera.

* The plays. Those stupid, creepy, fucked-up works of evil that were leaked to AOL. "Mr. Brownstone" and "Richard McBeef". Yeah, what the fuck was up with those? Don't understand what all the fuss and hubbub is all about? Haven't read them yet? Well, here is a link to the weird shit that lies within the writings of a serial killer: http://news.aol.com/virginia-tech-shootings/cho-seung-hui/_a/richard-mcbeef-cover-page/20070417134109990001

* The voice. Why did Seng Cho sound exactly like Napoleon Dynamite? Honesty, it was really hard not to laugh at his rambling on that tape of him after, in my mind, superimposing the image of Napoleon Dynamite over his face. I know that sounds fucked up, but you know it's true.

* And last, but not least: The pictures. OK, I understand all of the pictures of him wielding guns. But what the fuck was up with that picture of him with a hammer? Like, what was he planning on doing with a fucking hammer? "OK, everybody put your hands flat on the desks and nobody gets their thumbs stubbed". It just looks ridiculously hilarious....in a crazy, serial killer, fucked-up kind of way.

4/22/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week ending April 22, 2007:

Well, Rock week is over. I hope you all enjoyed it, and now I can finally return to blogging about the everyday, interesting bullshit. In fact, I can almost guarantee that tomorrows blog will be about that Korean jerk-off that shot up Virginia Tech. But more about that tomorrow.

Next, you might have noticed the awards posted on the left side of the page. The top badge symbolizes certified uncensored humor. It is actually not an award at all, but more a mission statement by me. But the next four badges are in fact actual awards received by various blogging sites.

The first one is the "Bloggy Award". This means that my blog passed the inspection by bloggy award judges and received a 9/10 or higher.

The other three awards are all "Blogger's Choice Nominations". They are for best humor blog, best pop culture blog, and best blog about stuff. It's like the Screen Actors Guild awards but for blogging.

So all in all, this was a pretty great fucking week.

In the immortal words of Borat: Great success!

4/21/07- Our Boston correspondent Fitzy checks in with an update about the first two weeks of baseball season...

Well, after being absent last week, Fitzy is finally back with an all new installment of the "Wicked Pissah Webcast". This week he'll be taking a look at the first two weeks of the 2007 baseball season, as well as analyse this weekend's upcoming Sox-Skankees series. So kick back, relax, enjoy, and Go Fuck Yourself.



And be sure to go to www.townienews.com fo all things Fitzy including exclusive blogs, airchecks, links to cool shit, and archived webcasts from weeks past.

This week's guest: As You Were...

*The following interview is a condensed version of a sloppy, not well put together description/interview done at Dock Street(a local rock staple here on Staten Island) with new up-and-comers onto the New York rock scene: As You Were.

The band formed in early 2006 when two of the island’s most prominent hardcore acts (Quantice Never Crashed and The Broken) decided to call it quits. The decision to form another band quickly followed. Matt (19/guitar), Philly (19/vocals), Derek (19/guitar), Andrew (19/drums), and Cory (21/bass) got together and after agreeing on a name inspired by an Alkaline Trio song, and As You Were was up and running.

For the past month or so, As You Were hasn’t been playing as many shows in Staten Island as they normally would. When asked what they’ve been up to, Philly answers “We’ve basically been getting our shit together. We’ve been writing a lot of new songs, getting our merchandise together, our van situation, booking a tour for January and basically just really settling in to being a band.” “We’re stuck with each other now,” Matt says. “And this is the life we have chosen. This is it,” Andrew finished. He then went on to explain “We [also] don’t want to just play Staten Island all the time. We want to play for everyone and anyone who want to hear us.” The band has been doing a bunch of weekend shows in South Jersey and this past Saturday, they were asked to play in Williamsport, PA which Andrew says is “50 million hours a-fucking-way and we were like ‘let’s fucking do it’.

What was their favorite memory of 2006? They all unanimously agreed that the best part of ‘06 was deciding to start As You Were. (The show last month in Penns Grove when they played for 200 kids and were asked to sign autographs came in pretty close, though.) But starting the band and forming the friendships that mean so much to them right now wins hands-down because, as Philly puts it “I’m just lucky that there’s something that forces these people to spend time with me in my life, cause otherwise, I’d be lonely and dead.”

The boys also have a strong connection with their ever growing fans from all areas of the tri-state area. When asked about their fans and the venues that host them, Philly said: “Those kids have the right idea about shit. They come out and support every single band, they all have a good time and every show has a huge variation of styles of music. They have great spaces that are all ages and really organized and are not too much money”. And Derek adds: “They come out to any show and not just for one band.” “And they think so much higher of us than we are,” Matt said.

2006 was a busy year for As You Were. But it’s nothing compared to the way their 2007 is already shaping up. Their drummer is being sponsored by Shine Drums and they will be recording their full length for Downstar Records. Touring, new merchandise, “being fabulous” and “ballinnnnn’” are just some of the things they’re looking forward to in the coming year. In their own words, this is the life they have chosen and it looks like the boys in As You Were have no intentions of slowing down any time soon.

As for the new songs (which will be on As You Were’s first full length album due out by this summer), we can expect a heavier sound, “hopefully” better song writing and an overall progression. “The songs are being put together in a better form...like, in a ‘less is more’ kind of way, but it’s still As You Were,” says Andrew. Philly added “It still seems to be some angry fucking shit.” Their next album is going to be out on Downstar Records sometime this summer.

Check them out at www.myspace.com/asyouwereny.

4/19/07- Soy un perdedor...

You know, there are alot of things I don't understand in life: why are we here, what's in the school meatloaf, and most importantly, why is pop music still as popular as ever?

I walk around school and all of the "popular" kids all listen to Justin Timberfake and Christina Fagulara. If that type of shitty music is popular, then I want to be as big a loser as the next guy who likes actual good music.

All you hear on the radio nowadays is just the same mass-produced, sample-heavy, uninspired, corporate bullshit. Where are the real artists who work in small clubs all across this country just waiting for their big chance? Oh wait, they're all standing on line to audition for American Idol. This is what music has come down to? A second rate Gong Show of one shot record deals and promises of a ten year reunion with the public eye via a VH1 reality show? Where's the fucking integrity in music these days? It's all about how fast you can get famous, how fast you can drop off the radar, and how fast can you get your now unemployed fat ass onto Celebrity Fit Club.

Well I for one am not buying into it. This kind of shit needs to stop now. In order for music as we know it(or knew it) to continue we must stop this trend of using reality shows to find the "next big thing" and actually get up off of our fucking couches and go to a local concert of show and discover talent and have people gravitate towards that talent and give it a growing audience, not just give some nobody instant access through millions of t.v. viewers.

Fuck pop music, Fuck the bottom line, and Fuck American Idol!

4/18/07- El Scorcho...

Since it is "Rock Week" 2007, I figured I might as well throw in at least one album review/recommendation for this week. Today I will be giving you a little insight on Weezer's second, most underrated album: Pinkerton.

Pinkerton was a departure from the band's first self titled debut album that had a more pop/rock sound due in no small part to it being produced by The Cars' Ric Ocasek. Pinkerton was darker and had a deep theme of wrenching teen angst mixed with a masterful alternative rock sound that brings together Weezer's distinct style with guitar work ripped right out of an old fashioned garage jam session.

Although a critical failure upon its initial release (Rolling Stone readers named the album the second worst of 1996, oddly enough in 2002 Rolling Stone readers voted it as the 16th greatest album of all-time). By the close of the century, word-of-mouth had considerably rehabilitated Pinkerton's standing and many Weezer fans consider it the band's best work. Some consider the band's more recent albums a conscious retreat from the sound and style of Pinkerton. In support of this, in 2001, Rivers Cuomo would frequently make claims to how much he hated Pinkerton. He told Entertainment Weekly:

"It's a hideous record... It was such a hugely painful mistake that happened in front of hundreds of thousands of people and continues to happen on a grander and grander scale and just won't go away. It's like getting really drunk at a party and spilling your guts in front of everyone and feeling incredibly great and cathartic about it, and then waking up the next morning and realizing what a complete fool you made of yourself."

For some time after regrouping, the band would play very few Pinkerton songs on tour. However, by late 2001, some of the songs were revived and many of Pinkerton's songs are now commonly heard at Weezer concerts. As of October 2005, Pinkerton had sold 784,655 copies, and it is certified gold.

But, without a doubt, the aforementioned use of "spilling your guts in front of everyone" is the lyrical energy that makes Pinkerton one of the greatest underrated albums in music history.

Some tracks of note are:

"El Scorcho"- Written about feelings of traditional teen angst with reference to Green Day, Public Enemy, Cio-Cio San, and a red-headed half Japanese girl. Speeds up in the middle with heightened guitar work.

"Pink Triangle"- Written about frontman Rivers Cuomo falling in love with a girl and them going out for a period of time.....until one day she breaks the news to him that she is a lesbian. It's funny, sad, and has some catchy vocals and guitar work. In my opinion it's one of their most underrated singles.

"Getchoo"- Featuring high distortion and feedback, it is undoubtedly the hardest song off of Pinkerton. "Getchoo" is also a clear and blatant track from their unreleased album/rock opera: "Songs from the Black Hole". Making this particular track all the more special, as it provides us with a taste of what might have been.

Well. Haven't I given you reason enough to go buy and/or illegally download this most underrated of rock masterpieces? Now go! Rock out, enjoy, and remember kids: EMO FUCKING SUCKS!(I just had to throw that in there somehow)

4/17/07- *Special* Two-For-Tuesday: Green Day has seen better days... / Jesus is my roadie...

GREEN DAY HAS SEEN BETTER DAYS...



Jesus fucking Christ, what happened to Green Day? They used to be good. They used to be punk. They used to be pioneers of alternative rock. What the fuck happened?

Back in the 90's Green Day came out with their first full album: "Dookie" and life was good. It was an album filled with hard, creative, unique sounding rock. It re-launched punk in the 1990's. After that their career started to slow down with each passing album. It even came to a boil in 2002 when they were about to release their latest album: "Valentines and Cigarettes". The legend goes that the record company thought it was so bad that they wouldn't let them release it under the name "Green Day". So instead they formed a new band that "allegedly" had nothing to do with Green Day called "The Network". The Network disguised themselves with masks and big weird looking suits, but people weren't that stupid and easily knew it was really Green Day in disguise. The Network then went on to release "Valentines and Cigarettes" under the new name "Money Money 2020". Needless to say, the album tanked.



Then Green Day finally found success with their latest album "American Idiot", but at what price? In 15 years they have gone from alt rock pioneers, to has-beens, and now back to the top of the charts. But at the same time have now alienated their true fans by conforming to the ways of the mainstream popular scene. Don't believe me? Look at it like this: no 12 year old girl should have pictures of Green Day on her wall and consider Tre Cool "dreamy". Once that starts to happen you have officially lost your fucking edge. And what's with all of the political undertone in their latest album? People listen to music to escape their shitty problems, not to be reminded of them. Concept album my fucking ass, it's a sell-out album.

Let's just make one thing clear here to all of the bandwagoners jumping aboard the American Idiot express. I still like Green Day, but remember this: my first Green Day album was NOT "American Idiot".

JESUS IS MY ROADIE...



What is the deal with christian rock? I don't get it. Just the words "christian rock" seem like such a blatant oxymoron.

Now granted I couldn't name a christian rock band if I was held at gunpoint, I do know that these types of bands exist and they do preform to sold out shows. Why? Since when did some God squad kool-aid drinker decide one day that Jesus needed to appeal to the headbanging community? Most rock is associated with drug use and alcohol addiction, real hardcore shit. How in God's name(pun intended) could christian rock even start to be able to come close to beating that? It can't.

"Oh but what about Creed?" Creed fucking sucks! Scott Stapp can go suck my balls. He is not rock! He is merely just the poor man's catholic version of Eddie Vetter.

But the biggest irony has to be catholic grunge music. If you thought regular catholic rock made no sense, then good luck figuring out this shit. How is catholic grunge even possible? Grunge music is supposed to be depressing and borderline suicidal. Now all of a sudden it can be turned around to be Jesus friendly? I don't fucking think so.

In closing, I present you with an analogy: christian rock is to music as Chinese men are to porno, there are few of them and both serve no purpose other then to disappoint.

4/16/07- The biggest thing since the last biggest thing...

I consider myself a veritable encyclopedia of history when it comes to music, that's no secret to anyone who knows me. But there is also another thing I am good at, and that is spotting the next big trends in music. And according to me the next big trend is fast going to be the biggest wave of British imported music since the sixties. Let me explain.

Back in the sixties, bands like The Beatles, The Who, The Yardbirds, and The Zombies found great success as British cross-over artists(all with the word "the" in their names) in the U.S. pop charts. This became known as the "British Invasion". After a while these bands fell to the wayside on the charts and more American artists started to climb their way back to the top of the music ladder. More than a decade following the first invasion, the largely English based punk movement of the late 70s, resulted in a fresh influx of raw, iconic British bands and artists, such as the Sex Pistols, The Clash, and Elvis Costello and the Attractions. While punk had a lasting influence on the US popular music scene, it never broke through in the US at the time to the same extent as in the UK. However the various cultural sources that punk and new wave took their inspirations from, especially cinema and television, would stand them and subsequent acts in good standing in the next decade.

Then, things started to slow down.....for about twenty years. Yeah, there were little cracks here and there in the music scene of British influence in the American culture(Oasis immediately comes to mind) but nothing even close to the extent of what it had been in past decades.

Well now in 2007 I can hear the rumbles of something big coming our way. A massive wave of British music surging through our radios and music networks, or what's left of them(i'm talking to you MTV). Think about it. Indie music has become the new mainstream in terms of what's considered rock. And you can't throw a rock at a Bonnaroo festival or a Lallapalooza or an Amsterjam without hitting some form of a British band. Whether they be British by birth or by influence.

So with British Indie music becoming more and more popular these days, I'll leave you with a list of some Indie-Brit bands that I guarantee you'll be seeing more and more of by this time three to five months from now:

*Kaiser Chiefs
*Bloc Party
*Muse
*Kasabian
*Maximo Park
*Test Icicles
*The Zutons

4/15/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week ending April 15, 2007:

First of all, yes, I know I have not written a proper blog since Thursday. But come on, it's spring break, can't I at least have three days on a weekend off? Besides, look at it this way: spring break is over tomorrow, the blogging schedule will return to normal, and best of all, "Rock Week" is finally here!

Here's the rundown for "Rock Week":

*All music related blogs

*Two blogs on Tuesday

*Local band interview on Friday

*Three album reviews on Wednesday

*And other music related blogging goodness

Next, I must address the fact that I am going to start posting celebrity interviews periodically instead of every week. This is mostly because it is hard to fill 52 weeks of a year with a fresh interview. Every Thursday I will post on the bottom of that day's blog whether there will be an interview the next day or a new original blog.

Well, that's it. Be sure to check back in tomorrow and all this week for "Rock Week" 2007!

4/14/07- I'm on Vacation from Friday night until Sunday night...

The time on the bottom of this post is wrong. It's 7:30 Friday night and I'll be back Sunday for the state of the blog. I'll be on vacation and will be back Sunday night.(What? I can't take a fucking vacation? After all the blogging content I crank out for you everyday, I could use a fucking break) Then i'll give you all the info you need to get ready for "Rock Week".

4/12/07- Good news for people who like bad news...

How dare some people deny that their publicity is due to their controversy and actually believe it's because of their actual talent or skill. What am I talking about? Give some examples you say? Well here's two of them.

The Duke lacrosse scandal that has been going on for the past year. Do you honestly think that anyone would have ever gave a shit about fucking lacrosse if some dumb stripper hadn't gotten raped(allegedly)? Nobody cares about lacrosse. After this incident blows over, everyone will still not care about lacrosse. Those Duke coaches and PR people should be kissing these player's asses. This is the most press Duke lacrosse, nay, lacrosse in general has received in....ever!

An even bigger example of "It would have been forgotten by now if ____ hadn't happened" is the recent Don Imus incident where he called the National Women's Basketball Championship Rutgers Team a "bunch of nappy headed hoes". Nobody even would have cared about the fucking women's basketball team if it wasn't such a slow news week and Imus hadn't made that comment. First of all, who the fuck cares what Imus thinks anyway? Why should people care? And why is everyone, including the basketball team, taking him so seriously? He has no credibility. He's the same guy who has zero ratings and calls black people niggers to their face, why does he still have any clout in the radio industry?

The Rutgers team should be kissing his wrinkled old ass for extending their publicity tour because the bottom line is: people love controversy, NOT women's basketball! The only reason people care about this story is because it's drama, and interesting drama at that. They don't give a shit about the women's team winning a national title.

I care about the Rutgers women's team winning a national title just as much as I care about the Duke lacrosse team winning a state title. I simply don't give a shit.

4/11/07- Random Thoughts 3: Rise of the Machines...

Well, it's that time of the month again. That one special day each month that I sit down for 15 minutes and write down anything and everything that pops into my demented, child-like brain: Random Thoughts.

I now present you with the third edition of Random Thoughts for April 2007:

*Why is "Blades of Glory" a hit at the box office? Don't you fucknuts realize that Will Ferrell plays the same character in each of these stupid movies?

*If I recorded an album comprised of just all cowbell, would that actually be considered too much cowbell?

*I want to walk into a Starbucks one day and when the guy at the counter asks me what I want, I'll say: "coffee". And then after five minutes of me explaining to him that I just want a cup of coffee instead of some mocha grande venti machiado, the chip in the back of his brain will short circuit and his head will explode. And then I can finally die happy.

*I want to make a tee shirt with a picture of a bear in a wheelchair on it, with writing on the top of the front of the shirt that says: "I'm Bear-alyzed".

*If I was alive during "Hands Across America", I would have found the nearest Chinese person and yelled out: "There's a chink in the chain!" just because it would be the only time in history where that phrase actually meant what I wanted it to mean.

*You will know that the end of the world has arrived when there is a Starbucks across from a Starbucks, a show on television called "Law and Order: Crime Scene Investigation", a Rob Schneider movie makes over $20 million at the box office, and Sanjya wins "American Idol"(looks like the end of the world may be sooner the we think).

4/10/07- The world's shittiest mixtape...

Let me set this up for you. I found this video via youtube where comedian Aziz Ansari lost a bet and had to be filmed walking around Washington Square Park and other areas of New York City carrying around with him a boombox that played the shittiest mixtape ever.(I put the video at the bottom of this post) This got me thinking, what would the world's shittiest mixtape really consist of?

I have a few suggestions that come to mind when thinking of my picks for songs to go on the shittiest mixtape such as:

*I don't want to wait- Paula Cole
*Torn- Natalie Imbruglia
*Tiny Dancer- Elton John
*Kiss Me- Sixpence None the Richer
*I Don't Want to Miss a Thing- Aerosmith
*Your Body is a Wonderland- John Mayer
*I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight- Cutting Crew
*Sister Christian- Night Ranger
*Heartbeat- Don Johnson
*My Heart Will Go On- Celine Dion

I know, pretty fucking shitty, right?

This question of what the shittiest mixtape would be is interesting to me. So please, I encourage all of you to send in your comments and let me know what you think belongs on the world's shittiest mixtape. Thank you, and be sure to check out www.azizisbored.com for all thing Aziz Ansari related. He's a hilarious comic and came up with this whole bit in the first place, all I'm doing is elaborating on it.

And remember kids: Aziz Ansari is a fucking badass!

4/9/07- Welcome to the Grindhouse...

This weekend I went to see the new gorey, bloody, zombie-filled, car chase, explosion fest known as "Grindhouse". And let me just state right now that it did not disappoint at all. Let me give you the rundown of all three parts of the movie experience.



First of all. The whole movie looks like it was made in the 70's(on purpose) with film pops, scratches, and all sorts of little nuances that make you feel as if you were watching a real grindhouse picture. The first movie you see is Robert Rodriguez's "Planet Terror". This movie stars Freddy Rodriguez and Rose McGowan as two former lovers trying to escape to Mexico from a town slowly being overrun by zombies created by an infectious gas leak at a local military base. The first half of this movie is quite possibly one of the grossest times you will ever have out at the cinema. I saw things in "Planet Terror" that Vietnam veterans wouldn't be able to relate to(trust me, you'll know what I mean when you see it). Then about 3/4 of the way into the movie, Rose McGowan finally gets her gun leg that everyone has seen from the trailers. While she gets the leg fairly late into the movie, it is still put to some very good use: blowing up zombies and military personnel with machine gun and rocket launcher capabilities. So bottom line: Great action movie, cool gun leg, really gross, five minutes into the movie a guy gets his balls ripped out by a big metal claw-like device. GO SEE THIS MOVIE!

Next up after "Planet Terror" are the fake trailers directed by Rob Zombie, Eli Roth, and the makers of Shaun of the Dead. These are all hilarious, and quite frankly are so funny and well made that I would have paid $6.50 just to see them again. Now I don't want to ruin some of the humor and cool surprises that are in them so I'll shut up now and move on to "Death Proof".



"Death Proof" was directed by Quentin Tarantino, and stars Kurt Russell and a cast of beautiful women in a new, unique spin on the slasher genre. Kurt plays a serial killer named "Stuntman Mike". Why? Because he's a stuntman. And he basically picks up women and drives them home in his "Death Proof" car, where if you are in the driver's seat you cannot get hurt....now the passenger's seat is a whole different story, and I'll leave it at that so as not to give too much away. There are some cool death scenes near the beginning of the movie, but the whole middle is just one big buffet of Tarantino inspired dialogue that, while good, really slows down the action(a few times to the point of boredom). But then the last 20 minutes is really where you get your money's worth with one of the best car chases ever caught on film(again, I'll just leave it at that as to not reveal too much). The bottom line: hot girls, cool car chases, slowed up in the middle but really delivered the goods in the end. GO SEE THIS MOVIE!

Bottom line on the movie as a whole: one price, two awesome films, hilarious fake trailers, nostalgic grindhouse presentation and ambience, hot chick with a fucking gun for a leg, zombies, car chases, explosions, GO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE!!!

4/8/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week ending April 8, 2007:

Big News- The "Rock Week"(week of all music related blogs) has been pushed back to next week. Why? Because a) I would rather you have something else actually good to look forward to next week besides school. and b) I have a fucking kick-ass review of "Grindhouse" that I want to get to tomorrow(and it wouldn't make much sense to give a review of a movie a full week and a half after it's release). As well as other interesting stories from my spring break. So, Happy Easter, more "Rock Week" info to be dispensed next Sunday, and be sure to stock up on Cadbury eggs before they are all sold out.

See you all tomorrow!

Oh, and you also might have noticed that on the left hand side of the page there is now a new set of links. These are the top ten posts requested to be brought back by the fans for convenient viewing. It's called "The Blog Post Hall of Fame" and will be updated accordingly as I can only have 10 posts in it at any one time(as to not create too much clutter on the page).

Well, that's it folks. See you back here tomorrow for an all new original blog brought to you by your friendly neighborhood douchebag....ME!

4/7/07- Fitzy's back....again...

Finally after long last Paul "Fitzy" Fitzgerald is back with another edition of the wicked pissah webcast. Enjoy! And be sure to visit www.townienews.com for all things Fitzy, including blogs, airchecks, and archived webcasts.

This week's guests: Paul Scheer, Rob Huebel, and Aziz Ansari of MTV's "Human Giant"...

Welcome to the very first edition of "Celebrity Fridays"! This week I sat down via the Internet with the stars of MTV's new sketch comedy show: "Human Giant". These stars would be: Paul Scheer(best week ever, upright citizens brigade, today show, late night with conan o'brien, school for scoundrels), Rob Huebel(upright citizens brigade, best week ever, curb your enthusiasm, late night with conan o'brien, arrested development, the awful truth), and Aziz Ansari(best week ever, premium blend, upright citizens brigade, school for scoundrels, new york noise). The show airs every Thursday at 10:30 on MTV and is extremely inventive and brings to the table their UCB backgrounds and unique style of humor and hilarious concepts with wit and delivery unmatched by any sketch show of our time. (Below the interviews I have posted a trailer for the first season of Human Giant to give you an idea of what these guys are all about in terms of their brand of humor.)

And now on to the interviews:

PAUL SCHEER:

1. How did you get your start in comedy?

When I was in High School I saw this group in NYC called Chicago City Limits, it was an Off Broadway Improv Show kinda similiar to "Whos Line is it Anyway?" and I was like, "I gotta do that." So I started taking classes with them and lying to everyone in my class that I was in College when I was only a Sophmore in High School. I dropped out for awhile then when I went to NYU I got back involved and got into their touring company which was amazing experience but then I saw UCB and I realized, "Wow! that's the improv and comedy I want to be doing." I started working with them and it was the best decision I ever made.

2. How did Human Giant come about?

Human Giant came about very organically. Rob and I had been improvising together for about 10 years with this group in NYC called Respecto Montalban (with Rob Riggle, Owen Burke, Chad Carter, Danielle, Schneider, Jack Mcbrayer, Jackie Clarke and Dannah Feinglass) and we met up Aziz who was blowing up on the NYC comedy scene as a standup and when Aziz started his weekly standup show at UCB "Crash Test" he was looking for co-hosts he could do bits with and Rob and I were his first 2 co-hosts. We made this short films based on the bits we created at Crash Test and then the popularity of those shorts on the internet got MTV interested in doing a TV show with us. It was really cool, because we are still a relatively new group.

3. What was the worst job you've ever had?

Passing out Compuserve CDs on Roller Blades during Rush Hour in Manhattan and I didn't know to rollerblade. But i couldn't take them off because I was being followed by a photographer who had to make sure that we were actually doing the job right.

4. I've seen you recently in Blackballed and School for Scoundrels. Any more film work on the horizon?

Yeah Actually I have a few films coming up. I'm going to be in a Sean William Scott Movie called, "Trainwreck, My Life as an Idoit" which should be pretty fun, I play this surly fishing boat 1st mate and then I have a small part in a new Lucy Lui comedy called "Watching the Detectives" where I'm just a film nerd (it's a really small part but we got to improvise so that was fun) and I just got word I'm going to be in a new Eddie Murphy movie called "Starship Dave" where I play a character that works in Eddie Murphy's ass. (It's important to note that Eddie Murphy in this movie plays a Starship and his insides are populated by an alien race)

5. Is your idea of Good Friday:
a)This is the day our lord died for our sins.
b)The rating for last night just came out and Human Giant's a hit.
c)Human Giant bombs in the ratings and gets shitcanned, but the sketck "The Illusinators" gets picked up for its own 12 episode season deal and movie contract.

All Good Responses but I'm going to go with D) REHAB

6. Whats on your iPod right now?

Right Now it just from DMX to the Cast Recording of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Musical Episode...So That.

7. Whats on your Tivo/DVR right now?

Lost, 24, Battlestar Galactica, The Wire, 30 Rock, The Office, Extras, Spaced, Heroes, South Park, and The Riches

8. A night on the town for you consists of...?

Me, Dabney Coleman, Bronson Pinchot and Ed Begley Jr. Shoot back Brews and Getting into Knife Fights with local tough guys.

9. If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

Christmas, because you only work for 25 days and the rest of the year, you are on vacation.

10. When you die, what do you want God to say to you at the pearly gates?

Can I have back my DVD of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle?

11. Any parting words of advice for the readers?

If anyone knows a good place to dump a dead body email me www.myspace.com/paulscheer

ROB HUEBEL:

1. How did you get your start in comedy?

I started taking improv classes at Upright Citizens Brigade theater in NYC a million years ago. Then i just stuck with it. And performed all over NYC anywhere I could. And met other comedians along the way. And just always tried to keep writing and performing as much as possible.

2. How did Human Giant come about?

Me and Paul have been friends from UCB for like 10 years. We've improvised together for a long long time. We met Aziz a couple years ago and were big fans. We all started shooting short films together with Jason Woliner (our director) just to have and to show around NYC at comedy shows. Those things got on the internet and MTV saw them and wanted us to do a pilot. And kaplow..here we are.

3. What was the worst job you've ever had?

I've had a lot of shitty jobs. I used to pedal a pedi-cab in Charleston SC in 100 degree heat with fat tourists yelling at me. And I used to produce some crappy TV stuff before I did any stuff on-camera. Once I worked on a Martha Stewart Christmas Special. That was a bummer.

4. I've seen you on a few episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, what was it like getting to work with Larry David? Have you been asked back to reprise your role for the next season?

Man that was the best thing ever. Those guys are hilarious and superfun to work with. I made Larry laugh a few times and that was like the highlight of my whole year. I don't think I'm coming back next season. I probably died of herpes.

5. Is your idea of Good Friday:
a)This is the day our lord died for our sins.
b)The rating for last night just came out and Human Giant's a hit.
or c)Time Warner finally stopped running those goddamn Olive Garden Commercials!

Wow. I have a 2 part answer. Mostly part b...Human Giant gets good ratings. That would kick ass. But also part c will be great. I actually shot that fucking commercial 3 years ago when I was poor. I improvised all this funny shit that they cut out. So i'm left looking like a real douchebag. The good news is, I am having them pull it in 2 weeks. They had to re-negotiate the contract and I told them 'no thanks'. Then I got home and saw a huge pile of checks from residuals. Woops. Fuck it. I would give the money back in a heartbeat. It was utterly humiliating.

6. Whats on your iPod right now?

A weird mix of stuff. I like a ton of hip hop. But also metal. And some indie stuff. I just saw LCD Soundsystem last week in NYC. So damn good.

7. Whats on your Tivo/DVR right now?

I'm way behind on Lost. But I've also got a lot of The Office and 30 Rock. Our buddy Jack McBrayer is Kenneth on 30 Rock and just amazing. I also love The Daily Show, Colbert and Charlie Rose.

8. A night on the town for you consists of...?

Aziz and I have been drinking a lot of Jack and Coke in the East Village lately. But I just got back to LA and so I'm kind of re-integrating myself here. I perform a lot at UCB and like to go out nearby with my friends. If Aziz is in town we'll go out a lot and try to awkwardly talk to girls. We're so lame.

9. If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

I like those weeping willow trees a lot.

10. When you die, what do you want God to say to you at the pearly gates?

Hey buddy. You screwed up. But I'm in a good mood. Come on in.

11. Any parting words of advice for the readers?

Advice for your readers? That's a broad topic. I would say that Crest Whitestrips is a really great product. And avoid poison ivy. It's really itchy. And don't provoke a male Elk during mating season. He will fucking kill you.

AZIZ ANSARI:

1. How did you get your start in comedy?

I did standup in NY while I was in college.

2. How did Human Giant come about?

I started making short films with Rob, Paul, and Jason around the Summer of 2005. In December of 2005, we decided to formally call ourselves a group named "Human Giant" and continue making videos together.

3. What was the worst job you've ever had?

I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese restaurants where they cook on your table. There's a shit ton of dishes in those places.

4. What was shutterbugs?

That was the first short we ever did. Huebel and I play cutthroat child talent agents. The new episodes we made for the show are pretty insane, and I'm stunned they're letting us put it on TV.

5. Is your idea of Good Friday:
a)This is the day our lord died for our sins.
b)The rating for last night just came out and Human Giant's a hit. or
c)MTV drops Human Giant after only 2 episodes, but signs "The Aziz Show" for a 2 year deal.

C.

6. Whats on your iPod right now?

LCD Soundsystem, Black Lips, Death Proof Soundtrack, Peanut Butter Wolf's Valentine's Day Mix, Eccentric Soul

7. Whats on your Tivo/DVR right now?

Lost, 24, The Wire, Colbert, The Office, Extras

8. A night on the town for you consists of...?

Probably getting blasted with Huebel and some other ding dongs in NY.

9. If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

A Palmetto tree? I'm from SC.

10. When you die, what do you want God to say to you at the pearly gates?

You were wrong fool!! HAHAHA! It's all good though, come on in.

11. Any parting words of advice for the readers?

Watch Human Giant, Thursdays at 10:30 on MTV. Just kidding. Um, I dunno, what is your website about? My cab is here! Always try to be on time, work hard, do well in school, gotta go! Bye!

MTV Human Giant Season 1 Trailer:

4/5/07- That doesn't belong in the pencil sharpener...

People are weird(no shit). But just in case you were wondering, yes, based on the title of this post, this is about exactly what you are thinking it's about. Yesterday, a man in Germany was rushed to the hospital after, wait for it..........he stuck his penis in a pencil sharpener on a bet. WHY?

I don't care if you paid me all the glockenspiel or farfigneuten in Berlin, I would never even think of doing anything remotely that stupid. And what does this really say about the guy's "manhood" anyway? I mean, he might as well have been castrated by a pencil sharpener if "it" was small enough to fit into one anyway.

And let's not forget the fact that this happened in Germany. Those Germans have been doing crazy shit like this for years. It really doesn't surprise me that this happened there. When the origin of this story is the same country where a man put up a search via E-Bay for a chance to be cannibalisticly eaten by him and got over 43 responses, a little penis in the pencil sharpener is the least of their problems.

*Also, be sure to check back tomorrow for the premire of "Celebrity Guest" Fridays. Where I'll be posting interviews conducted through Myspace with some of today's most talented comics and celebrities.

4/4/07- Read the fucking picture...

Look. Most people know that I am a Republican. And while it's true that I don't agree with every single thing that the government says, I stand behind our nation none the less. And that's why when someone e-mails this kind of liberal shit to me, I get fucking pissed off! Let's just call this person Mr. X.
Mr. X writes:

"Iraq was pacified and harmless before Bush invaded. then he invaded with no plan and not enough troops, and fucked up at every turn while denying reality. We've been there 4 years under Bush, and Iraq has become more chaotic, bloody, and horrible every single week. bush has proven he has no idea how to improve things, and simply doesn't care to try. he's just going to do more of the same as shit gets worse for the next two years will he retires to his fake ranch or billion dollar lobbying job. And then, over the next decade, somebody else will have to try and fix Bush's mess, as always. And if this next President (or Presidents) manages, somehow, the colossal, Herculean, nearly impossible feat of taking Bush's mess and rolling it back to the way things were before Bush fucked Iraq over...Bush-lickers will say it proves Bush was a great president! heck, they're already saying it!!! moral of the story: Bush-lickers believe that Bush is great when he fucks up and other people have to come in and clean up his messes. bush shits his pants, mommy cleans them up, and this means bush is an adult. bush great when he does nothing, or rolls back improvements made by other presidents. Bush is great when he does things other presidents are despised and hated for. No matter what, and especially as he proves himself more destructive and incompetent every day, Bush is great!! the only reason Bush-lickers walk around among us is we don't have enough mental wards to treat these fucking lunatics."

It's idiots like Mr. X here that don't fucking get it and want America to pull out and surrender before the job is done. Mr. X is the kind of liberal douchebag that wants to suck off the Democrats for passing this latest bill that will mandatorilly start taking troops out of Iraq within 120 days. But do you know what else this bill does? It also de-funds the troops for the 120 days that they will still be there. That means that the same troops risking their lives over there in Iraq won't be able to get food, body armor, bullet resistant vehicles, guns, weapons, etc. The fucking Democrats said before they took the house and senate that they were all for the troops and wouldn't even think about denying them essential goods and services, and now they're doing just that.

By the way, we are winning in Iraq. New schools and hospitals are being built each and every day. Just ask the troops, you know, the one's actually fucking fighting over there? And if we pulled out now, could you imagine the humanitarian nightmare that Iraq would become? People would have no troops to protect them and Iraq would surely fall to the power or Iran and become a part of a(their) dictatorship..again! Is that what you think is right for America, let alone the fucking world? Even if you disagree with the war, would you rather want America to be known for having troops go over and tell Iraqi women and children that they are here to keep them safe and protect them and then just fucking leave?

So FUCK YOU Mr.X! Why don't you go smoke some more weed and bitch about global warming.

4/3/07- Phuck the i-Phone...

In just a few short months Apple will be releasing it's brand new i-Phone. It does everything from play games, mp3s, and video to ummm whats the other thing that it does? Oh yeah, it's also a fucking phone.

I predict that the i-Phone will be the biggest technological bomb since the Segway. There is absolutely no possible way that this thing can catch on. The actual phone looks like a big piece of plastic and metal with a big ugly glass touch screen. Why would I want a phone with a touch screen? So that when it's in my pocket mixed in with my keys and pens and wallet they can accidentally hit the screen and call the cops to come fucking arrest me for the crime of wasting my family's hard earned money on a $600 phone that can play videos?

Why would anyone want to watch movies on their phone? Is there actually someone that impatient that they just can't wait an extra ten minutes to get home and watch Grey's Anatomy? Isn't this the reason we have the technology to record video? And you can also play shitty $10 games on your new $600 i-Phone. Oh joy! Just what I've always wanted, a $600 phone that lets me play fucking space invaders. For $600 this phone better be able to wash my fucking balls, make me a grilled cheese sandwich, AND have the ability to launch guided nukes at Iran. And as for mp3s, I thought that's what my fucking i-Pod was for?

Did I mention that it's also a phone?

Look, the bottom line is that the only thing Apple has ever been good at is making the i-Pod. They've never been able to outsell the Microsoft PC, and they aren't going to outsell Verizon(certainly not by offering the same shit that a Verizon phone can do for $450 more).

4/2/07- State of the Blog(Yes, I know it's Monday)...

(belated)State of the Blog for the week ending 4/1/07:

I know. I was supposed to post the state of the blog yesterday, but because it was April Fools day I instead posted a little April fools joke(see yesterday's post). So today will be the state of the blog and tomorrow, and the rest of the week, will continue as usual, according to schedule.

This Friday is the start of my series of "guest bloggers". Now, I know that I first billed this concept as being comedians writing actual blogs. Well, I have recently found out that it is easier to get people to write shit if you have actual questions for them to answer to. So instead of just blogs, each Friday I will be posting interviews as well as the occasional original celebrity blog. Now, you might be wondering who the first interview this Friday will be with? You'll just have to check back in on Friday and find out. I promise you won't be disappointed.

The only other BIG update to tell you about is that today is the first day of my two week spring break. And in honor of it being spring break I wanted to premiere during it the first "Theme Week". That's right, all next week will be a week of one constant, running theme. Confused? Here are the details:

*The theme will be music

*This will include an entire week of album reviews, artist spotlights, music folklore and mythology, and a special "Two-for-Tuesday"(two posts on Tuesday instead of one).

*This will be all next week starting next Monday.

*More info to come in next Sunday's "State of the Blog".

4/1/07- Vin's F*****g Uncensored "I Love Emo" post...

I know that I've ragged on emo music in the past, but come on. How can someone not like a band called "Panic at the Disco" or "Fall Out Boy"?

And the clothes. I could only wish that I was born spoiled and rich so that I could have enough of my parents money to go to Hot Topic and buy my tight, ball-constricting, black leather goth pants and Invader Zim backpack.

I have always yearned to live a life filled with musical bands that have androgynously feminine frontmen, silent rebellion against my parents(they don't need to hear my pain, they can sense me crying inside and it tears them apart as I play my Hawthorn Heights record from the stereo in my room), and horizontal wrist cutting. And speaking of cutting, how about those haircuts. I so wish I could grow long bangs that come down to my mascara coated eyelids.

Oh emo. Doth this truly be the life for me? FUCK NO! ARE YOU SHITTING ME? I HATE EMO! DID YOU PEOPLE HONESTLY THINK FOR A SECOND THAT THIS POST WAS GOING TO BE ABOUT SOME HIDIOUS REVELATION THAT I NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN LIKE EMO? HELL NO! IN CASE YOU WERE NOT ABLE TO READ BETWEEN THE FUCKING LINES, IT'S "APRIL FOOLS DAY" YOU IDIOT. GOTCHA!