Friday, June 29, 2007

6/29/07- This week's guest: Doug Benson...

Doug Benson is probably best known for his work as one of the many talking heads on Best Week Ever, he is also a contestant on the latest season of Last Comic Standing, he has played small roles in Curb Your Enthusiasm, Friends, Yes Dear, Cheap Seats, and is currently a recurring featured player on The Sarah Silverman Program, he was also a writer and performer on Mr. Show with Bob and Dave, he has also been featured on Comedy Central Presents, Benson was part of the writing team that created (and performed in) The Marijuana-Logues(a critically acclaimed off-Broadway play that is essentially The Vagina Monologues for pot), Doug was also awarded Stoner of the Year for 2006 by High Times magazine, he is currently working on the film project "Super High Me"(Super High Me documents Doug not smoking pot for 30 days and then smoking pot for 30 days in a row). A clip of Doug doing one of his trademark bits is posted below the interview.

1. How did you get interested in wanting to become a comic?

I was a fan of comics ever since I was a little kid, but I had no plans to become one. The first time I did stand-up was because my friends talked me into it. I'm forever grateful to them, even if I can't remember their names.

2. What was your first stand up gig like?

Pot luck night at The Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip. But after several auditions over many years, I couldn't get passed at that club. About six years after I started, I became a regular at the L.A. Improv and I've been there ever since.

3. What was the worst job you've ever had outside of comedy?

I was a dishwasher in a restaurant for three days. I quit in the middle of a shift. Just walked out without saying anything. Pretty much like all of my relationships.

4. What are "The Marijuana-Logues"?

It's a "play" that i co-wrote with comedians Arj Barker and Tony Camin that is basically comprised of all of our pot jokes. "The Vagina Monologues" with weed instead of choo choos. It played in a theatre off-Broadway for a year. We still do it from time to time, with various funny dudes filling in whenever one of us (or more) can't do it.

5. How did you end up becoming one of the many hilarious talking heads on Best Week Ever? What is the schedule like for that type of a show that probably needs comics on hand all the time to keep up with the breaking stories and current headlines?

That should be considered questuons 5 and 6. This whole thing is fucked up now. Nice work, man.

6. Whats on your iPod right now?

After I saw a few episodes Best Week Ever I thought it was right up my alley, so I asked my agent to get me an audition. I went in and taped some jokes that they used on that week's show and I've been on it ever since. I go in once a week, they tell me what stories to talk about, and I crack wise. Then on Friday night (or Saturday morning) I watch to see what got on and to laugh at some of the other panelist's comments. (I don't own an iPod.)

7. Whats on your Tivo/DVR right now?

Even though I have a joke in my act about TiVo, I don't have one. Don't want it, either. If I could record and watch everything I wanted to see on television, I would never get anything done.

8. What is "Super High Me"?

"Super Size Me" with weed instead of McDonalds. We filmed it last fall, and now we're looking for a distributor.

9. How does it feel to be High Times' Stoner of the Year for 2006?

I thought it was 2007. Well, they gave me the award in Oct. of '06, so i don't know which year I'm officially the top stoner. I'll look into it. (No I won't.)

10. What is it like being on "Last Comic Standing"?

It's really fun. It's exciting that so much is riding on each performance. In a club, if you ever have a bad night, you don't get thrown out. They even pay you! (i've never had a bad night.)

11. Any upcoming projects you would like to plug?

Uh..."Last Comic Standing" on NBC?

12. When you die, what do you want God to say to you at the pearly gates?

"I'm sorry so many people yelled 'I Love the 80s' at you even though you were on 'Best Week Ever.'"

13. Any parting words of advice for the readers?


Thursday, June 28, 2007

6/28/07- It came from Myspace!...

That's right. It's that time of the month again when I take you all inside the inner confines of Myspace to deliver to you something weird, abstract, horrifying, and sometimes even funny. This month's find is from someone with the display name "TeacherofBratz". It's the five worst shows of our generation. Enjoy!


"The 5 Worst TV Shows:

5. Family Matters
By 1989, Full House was a wildly popular (don't ask me why) show on ABC. The network brass thought it was a WONDERFUL idea to start a show like Full House, but only for the black demographic. Enter Family Matters. This show is terrible, complete with one of the most annoying characters in TV history (Urkel) and the annoying and lame piano solo at the end when a life lesson was being learned. It must have really been a blow to the ego to be another actor or actress on that show, knowing that you'd only get a minute or so of screen-time per episode so they could focus on the "wild" and "crazy" antics of Urkel. Ugh.

4. Laguna Beach
One thing I'll never understand is why somebody would watch a show about such rich, spoiled, unlikeable people. The only way I'll ever sit down and make an attempt to watch this show is if I get one courtesy punch in the face to a character of my choice. Aren't 16 year olds a little young for soap operas??

3. Step by Step
This show had perhaps the most cardboard and boring characters in sitcom history. That's no small feat either, since there were about 10 of them! Sasha Mitchell played the lovable moron Cody, who eventually got thrown off the show when he beat his wife. Other than that, I'd like to ask people who like this show to tell me what exactly it was they liked about the characters. I am pretty sure they were designed to have no personalities whatsoever. Ask yourself...can you even NAME them?? I'll bet most of you can't.

2. Yes, Dear
Watching a guy with no testicles get bossed around by his domineering wife isn't a funny backdrop for a show. it gets worse when you throw in their relatives living in the backyard. Basically, the show's jokes revolved around how wacky and different their opinions were on raising their little children. Sound funny?? I don't think so either.

1. Full House
It had everything:
- Very annoying characters...starting with Michelle and going on down the list.- The lame piano solo at the end when the lesson was learned. Of course, the children really never got in trouble no matter what they do. Wimpy parenting at its finest!- Very, VERY lame jokes. If you need me to explain further, just remember one name: Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey). Remember his impersonations?? Me neither."

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

6/27/07- The death of Chris BenWHAAAA!...

As most of you know by now, WWE "superstar" Chris Benoit murdered his wife, seven year old son, and then committed suicide in their California home a few days ago. But the boneheads at the WWE did a three hour tribute to him on Monday, knowing full well that he had murdered his family. Whoops!

How could they possibly have the balls to pay tribute to a dude that just committed a double homicide and suicide? The best is when Stephanie McMahon talks about how "passionate he was about family". Oh, he was passionate all right. He was full of fucking passion when he was killing his wife and son. Here's the boss's daughter with her take on Mr. benoit being a "passionate family man":

The following night, Vince McMahon came on and apologized. Too bad it came AFTER the three hour tribute to a man who killed his wife and son. Again, WHOOPS!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

6/26/07- Paris is burning(or is that just the herpes talking?)...

I can't believe that three weeks of a Paris Hilton-free world could go by so damn fast. It seems like only yesterday she was sent to jail, freed from jail, then sent back to jail again.

But now that she's out, the whole entertainment industry is a buzz with thoughts of what her next move will be. Will she become a new person and repent her ways? Or put out a new reality show? Or "accidentally" leak a new porno of her doing cocaine of off a fat dude's gunt? WHO CARES? I really could care less what she does, and you shouldn't care either.

By now, everyone has seen the footage of her waltzing out of prison into her loving mother's arms. What kind of fucking, warped-out, snobby, assholes do these people think they are? Your daughter films not one, but two porno tapes that get leaked onto the Internet, goes out and parties 24/7, sets the worst example humanly possibly for our country's youth, and shows absolutely no humility by flaunting her affluence(as well as other things) every fucking chance she gets, violates probation and goes to jail for carelessness, and yet you still have the fucking balls to welcome her back to your life with open arms? Are you kidding me?

If anybody else did just one of those things they would be disowned by their parents and run out of town with a scarlet letter on their chest. How can the media just give these types of celebutards airtime over issues like the war in Iraq and the low approval rating of both the president and congress(an issue that, if given proper airtime, could possibly cause shake-ups in the congress and a presidential impeachment).

And, to add more fuel to the fire, Larry King has paid Paris a cool two million dollars for her first public interview this Wednesday. Great. I can hardly wait to hear what she thought of the minimum security prison she was in. "But she lost 10 pounds and was forced to eat bologna and cheese sandwiches". FUCK YOU! Homeless people would kill(and probably have) for a bologna and cheese sandwich.

I hope that all of these rich Hollywood sluts would all crash their Lamborghinis into an AIDs tree and fucking die already so that I never have to hear about their "problems" ever again.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

"Best of" for 6/22/07 - 6/26/07...

Click the link to go to special "Best of" page.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

6/21/07- Asshole of the Month...

This month's asshole:

James Pendaveris from Tempe, Arizona.

Young James here was feeling down one day, and decided to shake things up a bit. He decided to play a prank on his roommate. So he grabbed some saran wrap, ran into the bathroom, and made the old saran wrap on the toilet seat gag. When his roommate found out about this the hard way, he was understandably pissed. But when he walked outside the next morning he was further pissed off by the fact that James had also wrapped saran wrap around his entire car. Because he had to waste time ripping the saran wrap off of his car, he was late for work and docked pay.

Congratulations James! For making your roommate shit himself, wrapping his car in saran wrap, and forcing him to be late for work and lose a day's pay, I declare you a bonafide fucking asshole!

And remember, keep sending in your submissions for next month's asshole to

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

6/20/07- A heart-warming tale about love, family values, and double homicide...

A few months ago, O.J.Simpson released a book entitled "If I Did It". In it he describes what might have happened if he had "really" killed his wife Nicole and Ron Goldman. The book was supposed to be shipped out to bookstores everywhere but was rightfully banned and cancelled by Reagen publishing just before it's release.

Well, yesterday got a hold of a few leaked passages from O.J.'s book and posted them on their website. But a pending lawsuit threatens to pull these (non)murder confessions forever. So therefore I have posted O.J.'s confessio...I mean, fiction-based novel below.

The opening passage:

"I'm going to tell you a story you've never heard before, because no one knows this story the way I know it. It takes place on the night June 12, 1994, and it concerns the murder of my ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her young friend, Ronald Goldman. I want you to forget everything you think you know about that night because I know the facts better than anyone. I know the players. I've seen the evidence. I've heard the theories. And, of course, I've read all the stories: That I did it. That I did it but I don't know I did it. That I can no longer tell fact from fiction. That I wake up in the middle of the night, consumed by guilt, screaming."

O.J. talks about how he (would have)murdered his wife:

"I looked over at Goldman, and I was fuming. I guess he thought I was going to hit him, because he got into his little karate stance. "What the fuck is that?" I said. "You think you can take me with your karate shit?" He started circling me, bobbing and weaving, and if I hadn't been so fucking angry I would have laughed in his face. "O.J., come on!" It was Charlie again, pleading. Nicole moaned, regaining consciousness. She stirred on the ground and opened her eyes and looked at me, but it didn't seem like anything was registering. Charlie walked over and planted himself in front of me blocking my view. "We are fucking done here, man-let's go!" I noticed the knife in Charlie's hand, and in one deft move I removed my right glove and snatched it up. "We're not going anywhere," I said, turning to face Goldman. Goldman was still circling me, bobbing and weaving, but I didn't feel like laughing anymore. "You think you're tough, motherfucker?" I said. I could hear Charlie just behind me, saying something, urging me to get the fuck out of there, and at one point he even reached for me and tried to drag me away, but I shook him off, hard, and moved toward Goldman. "Okay, motherfucker!" I said. "Show me how tough you are!" Then something went horribly wrong, and I know what happened, but I can't tell you exactly how. I was still standing in Nicole's courtyard, of course, but for a few moments I couldn't remember how I'd gotten there, when I'd arrived, or even why I was there. Then it came back to me, very slowly: The recital-with little Sydney up on stage, dancing her little heart out; me, chipping balls into my neighbor's yard; Paula, angry, not answering her phone; Charlie, stopping by the house to tell me some more ugly shit about Nicole's behavior. Then what? The short, quick drive from Rockingham to the Bundy condo. And now? Now I was standing in Nicole's courtyard, in the dark, listening to the loud, rhythmic, accelerated beating of my own heart. I put my left hand to my heart and my shirt felt strangely wet. I looked down at myself. For several moments, I couldn't get my mind around what I was seeing. The whole front of me was covered in blood, but it didn't compute. Is this really blood? I wondered. And whose blood is it? Is it mine? Am I hurt?"

See you in Hell O.J.! You stupid media whore.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

6/19/07- Random Thoughts 5: The Empire Strikes Back...

It's that time of the month again where I dispense some random queries and ponderings for you to all, well, ponder. Random thoughts for the month of June 2007:

* If you mix a cat with a goat, does that mean that you would get a coat?

* Your fortune: You will read no less then five words today.

* Kill the unborn baby whales!

* I’d like to meet a guy named Art. I’d take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.

* If cartwheels were outlawed, only outlaws would wheel carts.

* If your favorite song is "Rape me" by Nirvana, then pray to God that you never get caught singing your favorite song in prison.

* CLICK HERE for nothing.

* If you tell people that your brother or sister is your best friend, then that only proves that you have no friends.

* Nothing is truly random because you think of it in your head before you say it.

* Here's my Soprano's style ending to this blog:

Monday, June 18, 2007

6/18/07- An open letter to [insert news outlet/program]...

Dear [insert news outlet/program],

Why is it that you feel the need to bombard my optic and cerebral vision with chaotic imagery of tabloid fodder such as the trials and misadventures of Paris Hilton? I think I speak for all Americans, nay, the entire human race, when I say "Who the fuck cares?". People get arrested for far worse crimes then parole violation and drunk driving each and every day. Why aren't they on the evening news? Oh yeah, that's right. Because the average Joe doesn't run around partying and and fucking Greek shipping heirs all day. If that's what it takes to make the front page of the post these days, then the four horsemen of the Apocalypse are not far behind.

I realize that your industry is a business at heart. And using oddball stories like Paris Hilton get ratings. And good ratings equals good business. But grow some fucking balls and retrieve your journalistic integrity for Christ's sake. When I turn on your 24 hour NEWS channel I want to see the fucking NEWS! Not Access Hollywood! I thought shows like Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood were created in order to give an outlet for entertainment stories so that they don't interrupt REAL news like, uh, you know, that little conflict we have going on in Iraq!

Whoever responds to this. Can you please answer me one simple question: Why is the 18 year old kid from Nebraska who goes to Iraq, watches some of his best friends die, and then loses both of his legs, an arm, and vision in both of his eyes get less press then a dumb bitch who violated a drunk driving parole?

Sincerely, Vin Forte.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

6/17/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week of June 17, 2007:

All right, I know you all want to know why I didn't blog yesterday as well as when the asshole of the month will be announced among other things. So let's get started then, shall we:

*For some reason Blogger locked me out of my account from Friday night until just now. I have realized that this was because of low bandwidth on my laptop that I was using while away in Pennsylvania this weekend. So there's your answer to that.

*This also leads me to my next point, weekends. I have decided that I am from this point on, at least until summer is over, that I will only be writing one blog on the weekends instead of two.

*This leads into my next point, the State of the Blog. I have decided that I will no longer write the State of the Blog every Sunday. Why? Because alot of weeks there are really no significant updates to be dispatched. I have decided that I will still write one every few weeks, but just not EVERY week. This also allows for the one weekend blog I write to be an original one instead of just updates on shit you probably have already noticed or just don't care about.

*The Asshole of the Month. I must give credit where credit is due, you guys really responded big time to my request for your submissions for the Asshole of the Month. My special inbox( has received more then 2,000 e-mails! This month's winner will be revealed either this Friday, or if there ends up being a celebrity interview, this Thursday. Thanks again, and keep sending in your suggestions for next month's Asshole!

*And lastly, a plug for a good blog that I recently discovered and want to give some free press to: It has tons of useful and funny links, as well as great original content that will keep you laughing long after you've powered down your hard drive. I've also posted a link to it under "Comedy Links". Leave him a comment and tell him Vin Forte sent you.

Friday, June 15, 2007

6/15/07- This week Fitzy observes Father's Day and pays tribute to the retiring Bob Barker...

This week Fitzy takes aim at the Sox struggling offense, the Pat's wicked awesome defence, and pays tribute to your favorite gameshow host and mine: B.F.B.(Bob Fucking Barker).

Also, be sure to check out for all things Fitzy, including exclusive blogs, airchecks, and the entire Wicked Pissah Webcast archive!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

6/14/07- Asshole of the month...

Here's your chance to get directly involved in the inner-workings of VAF89. Starting today, I am giving all of you(the readers) the chance to nominate anyone you want as the monthly "Asshole".

The monthly asshole can be anyone you want. A popular celebrity, a teacher, even a close friend(or enemy) of yours. Each month I will have a post where I show a picture of this "Asshole" and will give a brief description about why this person has received this dubious honor. Thus singling them out to roughly 12-15,000 people who read this blog. It's a good thing.

Simply e-mail a picture of the asshole of your choice along with a brief description of why this person deserves to be singled out for being a complete fucking asshole to:

Remember kids, if we don't expose these assholes for who they really are, then who will?

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

6/13/07- Smells like teen spirit...

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"Hey kids! Check your local newspaper's classified section for good job listings, or else you'll end up all depressed and die of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. I wish I had a steady job when I was your age."

Is it just me, or have teenagers just become so goddamn lazy and "depressed" these days? Nobody's willing to work for anything anymore. Whatever happened to your dad yelling at you as you sat on the couch eating Funyons and Doritos to go get a fucking job!

"Oh, but it's too hard. It's really hard, you don't understand."

FUCK YOU! Nobody ever said getting a job was easy. If it were easy to get a job, do you think there would be so many lazy fucks collecting undeserved welfare? I don't think so! Yet at the same time, while people are complaining that there aren't enough jobs, all of the Mexicans can just stroll across the border and clean house by cornering the market on every single type of job that a teenager should be doing.

Someone had to have dropped the fucking ball somewhere along the line. There's no other way to explain how we as Americans could just let all of the Mexicans steal all of the minimum wage jobs from right under our noses.

But here's the $64,000 question: If the Mexicans hadn't taken all of the minimum wage jobs, would your fuck-up of a child still be bitching that he can't find a job?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

6/12/07- Who's your favorite Uncle?...

Why, Uncle Majic of course!

While flipping around the T.V. the other day, I saw the most random commercial ever in the history of broadcast television. It was an advertisement for a "Hip-Hop Magician". Hip-Hop Magician? Yes, Hip-Hop Magician(doesn't get more random then that).

For a second I thought that I was watching a parody from Saturday Night Live or something. This commercial looked like a cruel and sad joke. But alas, it was real. Real random, real weird, and real funny.

If you could imagine Funk Master Flex talking up a new DMX album, but instead of a DMX album he was talking about a children's magician, that's what this commercial is like.

Click the link below to watch the commercial for "Uncle Majic: The Hip-Hop Magician".

Also, they have a website!(oh boy!) Visit them on the web at:

Monday, June 11, 2007

6/11/07- The Sopranos finale was brilliant(Fuck the naysayers)...

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Can somebody please explain to me what the fuck happened last night?!

Granted that, yes, I thought the ending sucked big time too when I first saw it. I found this message posted on a message board that makes perfect sense, and makes David Chase look like a fucking genius! Here it is:

" Tony Soprano was killed....

In fact, the ending was genius if you've paid attention to the show or are just a fan of well developed well thought out plots that all tie together and have the memory of a champ to remember it all the ending was simple, he got killed, but let me tell y'all why and explain in detail... There was 4 people in the room total who had a reason to kill tony.....

The two black guys were paid before to kill Tony when his mother put a hit out on him but he was clipped in the ear in Season One.

The trucker at the booth near Tony was the brother of a Trucker, Christopher killed in DVD player robbery. We last saw the brother when he went to identify his dead brother's body.

And lastly, from the earlier seasons, the Italian man who was sitting at the counter stool, who the camera kept focusing in on, is Nikki Leotardo, Phil Leotardo's nephew. He was in one of the early season episodes where Phil and Tony have a sit down....

Here is where the genius comes in....

When Tony walks into the Holston's, you see the camera focus on him, then it switches to his perspective, and you see him looking @ the booth hes gonna sit at...

Then the camera switches back to Tony's face, then it once again
switches to his perspective, and it shows him looking @ the door and looking @ the people come in..... Everytime the door opens the chimes sound.......

Carmela walks in, Chimes.
AJ walks in, Chimes.

This all happens while Meadow is parallel parking, still trying to get inside the restaurant....

At this point the camera switches back Nikki Leotardo who goes in the bathroom...

Then it goes to a scene where Meadow finally parks and starts running into the diner...

The door is about to open, Tony looks up...

and No Chimes...

No Music...

Everything just goes black...

In one of the early episodes of the Sopranos, Tony is talking with Bobby about what it must feel like to die.

Bobby says, "at the end, you probably don't hear anything, everything just goes black!"

This idea was revisited in the second to last episode during the
last seconds of it, when Tony is about to go to sleep and he flashes back to the memory of him and Bobby on the boat... "You probably don't hear anything everything just goes black"

So in the end, the Journey song was playing, the chimes on the door sounded but when Meadow came in, someone killed Tony.

This is the reason you didn't hear or see sh!t when he died.... it was from his perspective... and everything went black, then the credits.

Bada Bing!! "

Saturday, June 9, 2007

6/10/07- Star Trek + Clue = Youtube gold...

A long time ago, in a galaxy not far off from route 12 near Lehigh Vally, Pennsylvania, 2 young and budding film directors shot a piece of footage so unique, so original, so (intentionally)poorly designed, and so hilarious, that they showed it to friends and family who found it to be a laugh riot.

For almost ten years now, this tape had been kept away in storage(never thought to have been seen again). But thanks to the magic of Youtube, this little gem has now been put into cyberspace to be immortalized. Please watch it and help me get it several thousands of hits in order to aid in it's popularity within the web community.

It is a short film(broken up into two parts) that my cousins Chris Valk and Nick Forte made when they were 17 years old. It is a comedic short about the board game and film "Clue" as if it had all gone down on the Starship Enterprise. Keep in mind that it is done very crudely(which adds to the humor).

Now, let's join Captain Picard in action, as he tries to determine who killed the Borg:

And now, let's get to the (multiple)ending(s):

6/9/07- *Special Edition* State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for June 9, 2007:

I know, I know. I haven't blogged in two days(so fucking sue me). It'll all be explained in this week's edition. So let's get started, shall we?

*I haven't blogged for the past two days because I have been away in Vermont at a wedding. This brings me to my next point: With summer here, and many family gatherings and road trips on the horizon, it is simply impossible to blog every single day. Granted I'll probably, in the future, find a way to do it. But I can tell you already that there will be at least 3 weeks this summer that I will have to take off. One in July and the other two are both in August. This brings me to my next bullet point for this week...

*..."Best of" weeks. I can assure you that I will always know well in advance when I will be gone for an entire week. So instead of just leaving you COMPLETELY empty-handed for a whole week, the morning that I am going away I will post a "Best of" blog that will include links to some of the funniest blogs written by me, as well as some choice blogs that go all the way back to the early days of VAF89(for a slight touch of nostalgia, as well as a feeling of "if I haven't seen it, it's new to me" for those people who might not have been with me since the beginning).

*And last but not least, making up for lost time. I have premiered the State of the Blog today because I want to be able to make up for lost time by doing non-stop blogging without any days off in order to make up for lost time. This also includes writing original blogs next weekend in place of Fitzy and the State of the Blog. So by two Mondays from now, I'll officially be back on track.

*I can assure you that Summer will be a hectic and exciting time filled with celebrity interviews, theme weeks, recurring segments, and tons of hilarious, original, topical blogs. And if we can make it through these kinds of little speed bumps together, you may just find yourself a few laughs in the process.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

6/6/07- The Masterpiece: Chapter One...

I have decided to write my most adventurous and creative opus yet: my FACTUAL life story. It is codenamed "The Masterpiece", and select random passages will be culled every so often for your reading enjoyment. Today's selection comes from chapter one, page 14. Enjoy!

"" Many people have asked themselves: Who is Vin Forte?, Why has God graced us with his presence?, And what exactly is he doing in my house? Well, I have an answer for them as well as an answer for the people who didn't ask any questions at all.

I was originally born in the Midwest to parents who could not take me in as their own. I spent many years in and out of foster homes because I was "too good looking" for them. I eventually joined the circus where I became master of ceremonies. But I was eventually kicked out because of my aforementioned rugged good looks.

As I travelled the United States I was thrown out of many schools, not because I was a "trouble-maker" but because I was too smart for my own good. I eventually made it to Michigan and saved a family from a fire in Kalamazoo. Then I traveled to Rhode Island and foiled a bank robbery in Providence. I was hailed as a hero and was awarded many medals. I had hundreds and hundreds of adoring fans and received my own holiday that rivals Christmas.

I eventually made it to New York where I was taken in by parents of undercover FBI agents working against the Gambino crime family. Now I spend my days fighting crime all across the world under an assigned name that allows me not to be noticed by any persons in the media or otherwise, I am known by all as "Pauly Shore". ""

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

6/5/07- Smile like you mean it...

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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

I hate how people claim that they are always sad and depressed because of a "chemical imbalance" or a "clinically diagnosed symptom of depression". Bullshit!

There's no such thing as clinical depression. It's called being lazy and milking your bad mood for all that it's worth in order to get people to feel sorry for you and do things for you. Honestly, whatever happened to just telling your kid to go outside and get some fresh air or play with his friends when he was feeling blue?

Now the parents take the kid to psychiatrists and doctors for years on end. As if that's not going to REALLY make the child feel like shit, having to open up to some strange doctor whose prescribing you 12 cc's of Prozac every day for the rest of your life.

This is just another terrible aid in the pussification of America's youth. Instead of facing their problems and issues head on, children today just feel sorry for themselves and rely on their parents and doctors to get them through life. A bunch of spoiled babies if you ask me.

Monday, June 4, 2007

6/4/07- Fox News: THE spin zone...

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FOX is losing their viewers. MSNBC’s ratings are going up, CNN’s are on a slow climb. Comedy Central’s programs have won Peabodies (The Daily Show and South Park), and their anchors are regularly lauded. On any of the non-FOX networks, and especially on Comedy Central, the theme is the same: true universality in their targets (not so much for South Park, but we’ll ignore that for now).

MSNBC has two conservatives and two liberals in their nightly lineup, CNN is generally even. The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are arguably liberal, but only so much as they go after the leaders, and The Daily Show has certainly attacked the Democrats and the left every single time they deserved it, from Clinton to Pelosi.

FOX doesn’t do that. They are an unabashedly conservative network, churning out nonstop right-leaning “news” that has blended opinion and reporting to the point of making the viewer unable to distinguish between them. “To Cavuto” has been lampooned on The Daily Show for having tickers such as “Bush: Greatest President on the Middle East ever?” or “Kerry: A disaster for the stock market?”

And that’s why they’ve lost viewers. It’s not the FORMAT of The Daily Show that attracts viewers, it’s the true objectivity. When Bush says he listens to his generals then gets a new general after one disagrees with him, they comment. When the Democrats talk about restoring integrity to the Capitol and then one gets caught with money in his freezer, they go after him. When the media pays more attention to Anna Nicole Smith than the war drums beating toward Iran, they call them on it.

FOX apparently thought that the problem was they weren’t making enough jokes. Somehow they came to the conclusion that their shows were doing too much reporting and not enough mocking commentary.

You see, FOX’s core audience truly believes that any criticisms of Bush or Republicans is evidence of a bias. They believe that their side is truly infallible and when the media points out a lie, corruption, or that Iraq is descending into chaos, it’s not that these things are true, it’s that the media is an evil, liberal machine. I’m not a liberal, but when people say dumb things I don’t pretend they didn’t happen, and I don’t get mad at the media for pointing them out. I get mad at the person who did the dumb thing initially.

What frightens me the most is the possibility that the creators of “The 1/2 Hour News Hour” actually may believe that their show is equal opportunity. They are so blinded by bias that they believe only liberal targets are available for mocking, because the right is inherently perfect. They do believe that FOX is “fair and balanced”. They may very well see their show as a genuine counterbalance to what they perceive as the liberal media. Though you and I have never seen a show on television which would so gleefully attack the right, never has Olbermann or Stewart said “we hate the right, those leaning right, Right Said Fred, and people who are right-handed” or anything similar, that’s what they seem to see.

Chris Matthews has never said that he hates everyone who wears the color red and votes Republican. Dan Rather never said that republican politicians are amoral flip-floppers who take pleasure at lying. Brian Ross never said that President Bush loves watching soldiers die and sends them into Iraq just for his own amusement. Yet if you listened to FOX and their ilk, that’s what you’d think is happening on every station but theirs.

FOX sees themselves as the unbiased statue holding up the beacon of objectivity in the news. So when their viewers start to decline, they don’t notice that they’re sinking right along with the president’s approval ratings, they don’t notice that their popularity is tight up tightly with the politics they shamelessly endorse, they think it’s because they’re just not marketing their “fair and balanced” package effectively enough. And that’s why they inevitably fail at a project like this. And why they won’t understand why they failed.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

6/3/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week ending June 3, 2007:

What's up people! I know, I know, I didn't do a state of the blog last week. But there was just too much going on and between sending out interview requests and me graduating high school, I simply just never got around to it. With that said, here are this week's bullet points:

* A while back I asked all of you to e-mail me your suggestions for a "theme week". Well, you voted, and your voices have been heard. The next theme week will be "90's Week"! A whole week of blogs relating to the (counter)culture surrounding generation X. I'm working out when it will be a good week to do it. It will probably end up being the week of 4th of July, but don't quote me on it.

* All of my interviews can now be easily accessed by their own category on the left side of the page. The same has also been done with some of my favorite recurring segments.

* And finally, a new high point for VAF89 happened last week, as this blog hit a record high point of 18,000 daily hits! Thanks again to all of the deranged, sick bastards that read my blog daily and tell their friends. Now let's get to 20,000, shall we?

Saturday, June 2, 2007

6/2/07- The Skankees limp into Boston this weekend for a Bronx-Bedshitting...

This week, I present you with Fitzy's in-depth analysis of this weekend's series between the Skanks and the Red Sox. Enjoy, and remember to eat your vegetables, drink your milk, and...oh yeah, GO FUCK YOURSELF! Also, for more Fitzy content go to and check out exclusive blogs, airchecks, and the entire Fitzy webcast archive.

Friday, June 1, 2007

6/1/07- Good Riddance(time of your life)...

As you all know, these next few weeks are the weeks in which high school students all across the country are going to be graduating in. As a student about to graduate high school myself tomorrow, I felt a need to give a small retrospective and share some of my thoughts and advice, in the hopes that some of you out there will take it and learn well from it.

*Never eat the mystery meat or order the split pea(or more accurately, pee) soup.

*Always make fun of the weak teachers. It's the only way they'll learn.

*Never under ANY circumstances use the school toilets...EVER!

*When taking a foreign language class, always ask about the 7 dirty words before anything else.

*Movies to acquaint yourself with: Varsity Blues, Napoleon Dynamite, Dodgeball, Anchorman, The 40 Year Old Virgin, 300, Billy Madison, and Full Metal Jacket(if you are on the football team).

*If you don't go out of your way to make a name for yourself, someone else will make one for you.

*Beat the shit out of any guy wearing a "Panic at the Disco!" tee shirt. It's the only way he'll learn.

*And lastly. When attempting to do homework, weigh out ALL of your options carefully. Sure, you could be doing homework, or you could be playing Xbox or sleeping or eating or watching t.v. or anything else for that matter. The point is: You have about and hour and change between homeroom and first period. It only takes, on average, a half hour to do all of your homework. Why do it at home when you could be doing something more exciting? Do your homework in homeroom and leave the afternoon for your life. You only get one life dammit, live it to the fullest! Don't waste your time studying for your calculus test. Go play some mini-golf instead.