Well well well, it's that time of year again. That special time that we all come together to honor a bunch of movies that nobody has ever heard of, and have all, for the most part, been directed by people you could give two shits about. It's the Academy Awards!
Now i'm not going to bore you all by announcing the winners for "best sound mixing" or "best visual effects editing in a short film or documentary". Because quite frankly, who honesty gives a fuck about those types of catagories? We all know that there are only six catagories that actually mean anything and that are interesting. They would be best: supporting actor/actress, leading actor/actress, director, and picture. That's why I for one propose that next year they just cut the show down to one half hour insted of almost four hours and only announce those six winners. Don't even mention the nominees, just say who fucking won, no speeches, one musical preformance(from whomever won best song from a movie), and get the fuck out of there. And now on to the winners!
Best Supporting Actor and Actress:
Best Supporting Actor went to Alan Arkin for "Little Miss Sunshine". GOOD! Anything's better then Eddie Murphy winning it. Eddie Murphy deserves an Oscar like Charlie Murphy deserves an Emmy. Nuf said.
Best Supporting Actress went to American Idol reject and twinkie afficionado Jennifer Hudson. This is a travesty amung award shows at its finest. People in the film industry have slaved at their craft for years and years, and this black porky pig sings one fucking song in her first movie ever an win a fucking Academy Award for it?!
Best Actor and Actress in a leading role:
Forrest Whitaker won for Best Actor for his role in "The Last King of Scotland", and Helen Mirran won Best Actress for her role in "The Queen". I would normally make a joke right about now that pokes fun at the actors role's in the movies, but since not one person, myself included along with about 250,000,000 other people, has seen either of these movies, any joke I were to make, had I actually seen either of these films, would most certainly go right over your heads. Understand?
How in God's name did Forest Whitaker win anyway? He looks like a dyslexic Laurence Fishbourne.
Best Director and Best Film:
Both Best Director and Best Film went to "The Departed", directed by Martin Scorcese. I don't really have anything bad to say about these two catagories because really, the best picture and director won. The fact is, that Scorcese has been long overdue an Oscar for some time now, and "The Departed" was the only movie nominated that actually made some good money at the box office when it first came out. I mean come on, did you really think that movies called "Pan's Laberynth" or "Babel" were really going to win best picture? I mean I could "Babel" on all day about how much those two movies sucked it hard at the theaters. But I won't because I actually have enough of a life that I had better things to go do and see when those two bore-fests were stinking up my local movie theater.
Well, thats it. I hope you all enjoyed my Post Oscar wrap-up craptacular extravaganza! Remember to drive home safely and don't forget to tip your waiter on the way out. Goodnight Everybody!
Now i'm not going to bore you all by announcing the winners for "best sound mixing" or "best visual effects editing in a short film or documentary". Because quite frankly, who honesty gives a fuck about those types of catagories? We all know that there are only six catagories that actually mean anything and that are interesting. They would be best: supporting actor/actress, leading actor/actress, director, and picture. That's why I for one propose that next year they just cut the show down to one half hour insted of almost four hours and only announce those six winners. Don't even mention the nominees, just say who fucking won, no speeches, one musical preformance(from whomever won best song from a movie), and get the fuck out of there. And now on to the winners!
Best Supporting Actor and Actress:
Best Supporting Actor went to Alan Arkin for "Little Miss Sunshine". GOOD! Anything's better then Eddie Murphy winning it. Eddie Murphy deserves an Oscar like Charlie Murphy deserves an Emmy. Nuf said.
Best Supporting Actress went to American Idol reject and twinkie afficionado Jennifer Hudson. This is a travesty amung award shows at its finest. People in the film industry have slaved at their craft for years and years, and this black porky pig sings one fucking song in her first movie ever an win a fucking Academy Award for it?!
Best Actor and Actress in a leading role:
Forrest Whitaker won for Best Actor for his role in "The Last King of Scotland", and Helen Mirran won Best Actress for her role in "The Queen". I would normally make a joke right about now that pokes fun at the actors role's in the movies, but since not one person, myself included along with about 250,000,000 other people, has seen either of these movies, any joke I were to make, had I actually seen either of these films, would most certainly go right over your heads. Understand?
How in God's name did Forest Whitaker win anyway? He looks like a dyslexic Laurence Fishbourne.
Best Director and Best Film:
Both Best Director and Best Film went to "The Departed", directed by Martin Scorcese. I don't really have anything bad to say about these two catagories because really, the best picture and director won. The fact is, that Scorcese has been long overdue an Oscar for some time now, and "The Departed" was the only movie nominated that actually made some good money at the box office when it first came out. I mean come on, did you really think that movies called "Pan's Laberynth" or "Babel" were really going to win best picture? I mean I could "Babel" on all day about how much those two movies sucked it hard at the theaters. But I won't because I actually have enough of a life that I had better things to go do and see when those two bore-fests were stinking up my local movie theater.
Well, thats it. I hope you all enjoyed my Post Oscar wrap-up craptacular extravaganza! Remember to drive home safely and don't forget to tip your waiter on the way out. Goodnight Everybody!
