5/31/07- The B-Side...

Usually when I type something up I have a few ideas for that day, but only one can be posted simply because of short length and content. This leaves me with a few excess blogs stored up in my Microsoft word. That's why the last day of every month will be the day that I let you all in on some of the ideas from the past month that didn't get front-loaded into this month's schedule. I call this: "The B-Side".

B-Side #1: Elmo doesn't care about black people...

This past week, the children's show Sesame Street opted not to include an African American puppet into their roster of flamboyant and acid trip-inspired characters. I'm sure that Al Sharpton is going to have a Field day with this one.

I guess the folks over at PBS don't want a black puppet on their show in order to downplay the fact that their show is already just one big ghetto stereotype. Think about it. Big Bird is the slumlord, Cookie Monster is a fast talking and fervid monster who can't live without cookies(a code word for cocaine), Oscar the Grouch is your typical burnt out junkie, and I don't even want to get into Bert and Ernie(but you know where I was going to go with that anyway).

B-Side #2: Hogzilla vs. Redneck Douchebag...

Yesterday it was reported all over the country that a redneck father and son team down south had killed the world's largest pig. The pig weighed in at a svelte 1200 lbs. So what did the father and son do with this gigantic piece of pork? The stuffed it and put it in their living room, of course.

What a bunch of fucking idiots. This pig could have easily fed the entire population of Africa, yet they simply just empty it out, stuff it with cotton, and place it in their living room. This is the reason other countries hate us. Two Americans have in their possession a pig that could feed them for life, yet they opt to have it stuffed and put in their house instead.

At least the poor children of Africa can take comfort in knowing that everytime one of these hillbilly fucks gets up in the middle of the night to take a piss, they'll have it scared out of them halfway to the bathroom by the haunting image of a 1000 lb hog in their foyer.

5/30/07- Asshole Hall of Fame...

Every now and again, there are certain people who just follow their own rules and anger those around them without caring for anyone else other then numero uno. These people are known as assholes.

Our first ever inductee into the VAF89 "Asshole Hall of Fame" is Mr. Douchebag Tuberculosis Guy.

A man who may have exposed passengers and crew members on two trans-Atlantic flights earlier this month to a highly drug-resistant form of tuberculosis knew he was infected, and had been advised by health officials not to travel overseas.

The man flew to Paris from his home in Atlanta on May 12 for his wedding and honeymoon, even though health officials told him they “preferred” that he not get on the flight, he said in an interview published today in The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

Days later, while he was in Italy, he was contacted by officials of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and was told that he had a rare and potentially virulent form of the disease and should turn himself over to Italian health authorities immediately.

Officials of the centers said at a news conference today that they had begun to make arrangements with the Italian authorities to isolate and treat the man in Rome. But instead of cooperating with the plans, the man traveled to the Czech Republic and took a flight from Prague to Montreal.

He said in the published interview that he did that in the belief that he had been put on a no-fly list and would not be allowed to board a flight bound for the United States.

From Canada, he drove to the United States, and then turned himself in at a tuberculosis isolation hospital in New York City.

What a fucking asshole! This dipshit knew that he had a potentially deadly and contagious form of TB, yet took multiple flights around Europe, while endangering a few dozen people, who might have gone on to infect a few hundred people, and so on and so on, until we might have had a fucking pandemic on our hands.

So for ignoring the governments plea to not use public transportation and potentially bringing about a global pandemic of an untreatable, drug-resistant virus, I induct you, Mr. Douchebag Tuberculosis Guy, into the Asshole Hall of Fame!

Now go drink a bullet and kill yourself, you fucking asshole.

5/29/07- It came from Myspace!...

Welcome to my second edition of "It came from Myspace!". Where I post some of the weirdest, funniest, and most random shit that Myspace has to offer. This little gem was a little something I found on the "about me" section of a guy with the display name: "Disco_Stu_69". It is very strange, very disgusting, and actually makes a hell of a lot of sense(if you can manage to get past all of the toilet humor, that is). You've been warned.

Disco_Stu_69:

"I read once that the quickest way to get something ingested into the blood stream of the human body was not through the mouth, ala the pills that you see people with heart problems take. Rather, it's through the rectum. Seems that you have more nerve endings or whatnot there than anywhere else in the body. Kind of the last chance to suck out all of the goodness out of the corndogs you swallowed at the fair before they are shot down the crap pipe to infinity. That might explain why most of my more lucid thoughts come on the growler.

So, I'm reading a year old copy of Entertainment Weekly that someone at work was so kind as to leave in poopatory. I'm reading about some movie I didn't see with some people I don't know. Except, I think it had Val Kilmer in it. Looks like he had a crap face job circa Mickey Rorke in Harley Davidson and the Marlborough Man. God that was a shitty movie, yet I've see it 6 or 7 times. What does that say?

Anyhow, I put the magazine on the floor so I can finish my business and I realize that Val and Angelina Jolie are staring up at me from the cover while I perform my dirty deed. Now, I usually don't ponder on the merits of celebrity and what have you, but it strikes me: How odd. You are famous world wide, have bazillions of dollars and live in ways that would sicken most of the civilized world, yet you still have to sit on the cover of some magazine and watch me wipe my ass. How odd indeed. I wonder if Angelina Jolie has ever realized that. Out of all of the magazines that she has been in, how many have ended up on the toilet room floor with her locking eyes with some yokel as he wipes the rest of his digested corn bread and ham hocks off his spinct? Somehow, I think they can all keep their money and fame, no one wipes their ass to pictures of me, much less while I'm staring them in the face. That's all you Hollywood.

In conclusion: Fuck you Val Kilmer, Real Genius was a fuck awful movie. You're not Jim Morrison, I don't care how many moles you have removed."

5/28/07- *Memorial Day Special* Fitzy goes to the NFL draft...

In honor of Memorial day, I present you with Paul "Fitzy" Fitzgerald's trip to the NFL draft in New York City! Enjoy, and Go Fuck Yourself! Also, be sure to visit www.townienews.com for more Fitzy content. Including original blogs, airchecks, and the entire Fitzy archive!

5/27/07- *Special* The return of K-Rock...

Well, after 17 months of having no rock station in New York and having to put up with a #21 ranked shitty talk station in it's place, WXRK 92.3 K-Rock has finally returned(call letters and all) to it's rightful place on the New York airwaves.

Granted, the house that Stern built is now fronted by Opie and Anthony. But what are you gonna do? Stern can't be there forever.

Some of you may be a little curious about whether or not they will hire back any of the old jocks. Well, for the answer to that question, as well as what one former jock in particular think about the new(old) format, I asked a former K-Rock jock what they think of the new(old) format:

" Obviously a good move, new management is slowly dismantling Free-FM nationwide. The greatest radio disaster of all time is coming to an end.

It would be nice if they thought the way you're thinking...but I doubt they will be trying to put together any version of the old airstaff. They will have every rock jock in the country trying to work there---they will pick who they want, and pay what they want.

Of course nobody know who the PD will be....could be someone who wants some of us....or someone who wants nothing to do with the "old" K-Rock.

Not like I have been monitoring the situation closely and sending out email to key people or anything...

The new imaging sounds fantastic, much better than the last couple of years at the old K-Rock. Smart to use "The Rock of New York" as a positioner, people still remember that from WNEW. Also very smart to not call it "The New" K-Rock....much better to say "it's back".

I think the processing even sounds better than before---listen to how fucking loud the station is. The bass THUMPS. I can't wait to interrogate the chief engineer next time I see him.

The music is better than "great rock period" but needs more currents. I flinch when I hear RUSH....the old sounding classic rock can be left out, nothing wrong with Zep, Pink Floyd, etc. I think it will evolve like the old K-Rock did....but will always be relatively safe, cause they have to be mass appeal to make the big bucks--which they will. I bet it goes from a 1.3 to a 2.5 quick. "

Now go enjoy your Memorial day weekend, and be sure to tune into 92.3 K-Rock all this weekend! And if you are reading this and you don't live in New York, then go to www.923krock.com to stream it live.

5/25/07- This weeks guest: Nick Kroll...

This past week I sat down via the Internet with acclaimed character actor, VH1 talking head, t.v. commercial juggernaut, Best Week Ever panelist, Upright Citizens Brigade alum, and star of the highly anticipated upcoming ABC sitcom based on the Geico cavemen commercials, Nick Kroll.(a video montage of Nick's work is posted at the end of this interview)

1. How did you get interested in wanting to become a comic?

I started doing improv/sketch comedy in college after seeing the Upright Citizens Brigade perform. They blew my mind. Also, I realized that girls might sleep with me if I made them laugh.

2. What was your first stand up/improv gig like?

I was in a 'funniest act on campus' competition and lost to my now good friend mike birbiglia. my whole act was to walk out onstage and talk about how relaxed i was and then pee in my pants. unfortunately, i ended up just jabbing at a plastic bag of water in my pants with a pen trying to make it look like i was peeing. instead, it looked like i was furiously masturbating on stage.

3. What was the worst job you've ever had outside of comedy?

i did sprinkler installation for a summer and almost got beat up by a fellow sprinkler installer who had a large scar across his cheek and didn't like that i drove my mommy's volvo to work.

4. You do alot of characters. Which one is your favorite to do? Why?

i love doing different characters for different reasons. gil faizon from the "oh, hello show" with john mulaney is a wonderfully despicable human. fabrice fabrice, the craft services coordinator on a number of shows is also a wonderfully disgusting person. people seem to enjoy him quite a bit.

5. What is "Oh Hello"?

oh, hello is a show i've done with my comedy partner john mulaney. its basically two middle aged, divorcees who live on the upper west side of manhattan and have a deep and unabiding love for alan alda.

6. Whats on your iPod right now?

jay z, fiona apple, justin timberlake, paul anka, kanye, ramblin jack elliott and a bunch of other shit...

7. Whats on your Tivo/DVR right now?

30 rock, SNL, Lil Beauties, The Office

8. I saw you recently on the Human Giant MTV 24 hour takeover. What was it like having to stay up for 24 hours and switch character every half hour?

It was one of the most fun experiences I have ever had both personally and professionaly. It was easy for all us coming in and out, i'm more impressed with rob, paul and aziz being able to come back from every commercial ready to interview someone or play the straight men for another one of our absolutely ridiculous bits. It was such a blast to be a part of for me.

9. I read somewhere that you are going to be in that new ABC sitcom based on those geico cavemen commercials. Is this true? And if it is, can you tell us any details?

It is indeed true that i'm going to be on "Cavemen" which will be on abc this fall. its going to be a really unique experience. the same writer and directors from the commercials will be working on the tv show and the rest of the cast is super talented. i'm excited to be on a prime time show but especially one that is trying to do something new and unique. plus i'm gonna get so much tail from looking like a caveman.

10. What does UCB mean to you personally?

UCB is an amazing place to learn, practice and perfect the craft of comedy. the community is very supportive, the fans are loyal and people are just psyched to perform live for the sake of performing and making people laugh. i'm not sure where i'd be comedically/professionally/personally without the UCB theater.

11. When you die, what do you want God to say to you at the pearly gates?

What up, fag?

12. Any parting words of advice for the readers?

regret is a much more powerful feeling than rejection.

5/24/07- Dick in a box...

This past month, 39 year old Dick Hendricks flew himself from Billerica, Massachusetts to Los Angeles, California......in a box.

The story behind all of this is actually just as interesting as the event itself. Mr. Hendricks had very little money and needed a quick and easy way to get to L.A. in order to tell his best friend(who had moved to California 2 months prior and was engaged to be married to a woman) that he was in love with him.

You see, Mr. Hendricks and his "friend" used to date each other, but when this "friend" decided one day that he was straight and fell in love with a woman, Dick got upset. So he did what most people do when they get upset: stuff themselves into a box and priority mail themselves to Los Angeles.

I'll be the first to admit that this is a nice, refreshing twist on the whole "mail yourself cross-country in a box" routine. Usually it's just some dumb college frat dude who mails himself across America on a drunken bet. But this guy actually had a legit agenda on his "to do" list.

So kudos to you Mr. Hendrickson. One kudos for having an actual reason other then being drunk to mail yourself to L.A., and another kudos for giving me a good excuse to so perfectly and aptly title this blog: "Dick in a box".

*Special note: Tomorrow, there will be a celebrity interview.

5/23/07- Random thoughts 4: Citizens on Patrol...

Well, it's that time of the month again(no, not THAT time of the month. ladies). That special time where I take a few minutes to write down each and every random fact that pops into my head. Here we go:

* Why is a plane's blackbox orange?

* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

* Does the fact that a song called "American Idiot" sold millions of copies mean that the song proved it's own point?(think about it)

* If grapejuice was rapejuice and rapejuice was grapejuice, which one would you drink?

* Why is there a chain of furniture stores here in New York called "Seamen's"?

* When a midget dies, do they bury it in a tiny coffin?

* Some people say that the fact that Hollywood is making a Simpson's movie is further proof that the franchise may be desperate to attract new viewers and return to it's former heyday. Those people are stupid.

* Every time you eat something with honey in it, just remember that it came out of a bee's ass.

* A new statistic has said that since 1994, over 5% of all Americans have been part of a reality show in one way or another. This is truly a sad day for humanity.

* I want there to be a game show where the contestant must guess weather or not they have a deadly STD for cash and prizes. It shall be called: "Herpes or no Herpes".

5/22/07- Subliminal Mind Fuck America...

With the 2008 presidential race in full swing, I felt it to be my duty as a big, under informed cynic to weigh in with my early predictions.

First of all, let it be known that I think that we're all still fucked no matter who we elect as out "leader". Why? Because nobody has the sack to just come out and say what we should REALLY do in Iraq. We should get these Iraqi fucks in a room, sit them down, and explain to them that if they don't start protecting their people themselves, then we're just going to have to slowly, and randomly pull out troops. No bullshit time lines, no cut and run, just good, old fashioned, threat tactics. And if they start learning to get their act together and fend for themselves, then we might just stick around and help them out a little bit longer. But the big key here is that we(america) have to know that they want to be a free nation. And this is the only way to find out for sure.

As for the candidates who either want to cut and run or stay there another 20 years, FUCK THEM! They all talk a big game, but in the end they all have no intent to compromise with the other party, be it Democrat or Republican. All they want to do is get you thinking that THEIR way is better without being the least bit concerned about what Americans think.

It's all a bunch of mind games designed to mentally fuck you into wanting a president who just looks the part instead of a guy who actually acts the fucking part.

Bottom line: The Democrats keep shooting themselves in the foot, the Republicans have too many personal problems and are running in the shadow of a Bush regime, and nobody, I mean nobody, is going to vote for a guy named Obama(sounds just a tad too close to Osama if you ask me).

5/21/07- Cynical Prom Blog...

As most of you may know, this past Friday marked the first weekend in a string of prom weekends across America. I will dispense my very cynical thoughts on it now.

The hype. The biggest disappointment with prom, by far, has to be the actual prom itself. It has become way too over hyped and overrated. People expect there to be so much more then there actually is. They expect shit like flashy lights, a guy with a flamethrower lighting midgets on fire while singing "Living in America" by James Brown, the guys from blue man group shooting fireworks into a crowd of teachers, dogs with sharp teeth and rabies being released onto the middle of the dance floor during a massive, vomit-inducing slow dance session, among other awesome things that I want to happen but never do.

The after prom. Before I make my final and most striking point, I want to give you a quick cliff notes style look at some of the shit that has gone down at a local New York school's after prom down at the Jersey Shore:

*2 people arrested for disturbing the peace
*5 student fined for underage drinking
*2 instance of tea bagging someone while they were asleep
*4 fistfights
*dozens of unreported cases of underage drinking with intent to fuck with people when they passed out.
*3 televisions broken
*and 1 reported account of child pornography with intent to distribute.......just kidding.

And finally, the parents and their retarded guido children. These parents today have to be the biggest, most gullible, shit for brains people I've ever come across. Why do they just knowingly allow their kids to go rent hotel rooms at the jersey shore as an after-prom activity? What do they think that their little babies are going off to do at one in the morning after prom? Drink Sunny Delight and play Trivial Pursuit? They can't honestly be that stupid. They have to know, to some degree, that their kids are going off to get shitfaced and stoned out of their fucking minds. Great. And when your child gets sent home in handcuffs for making an ass out of themselves, or better yet, comes home pre-packaged in a cold body bag, I'll be laughing my fucking ass off as I read your child's obituary saying to myself: I told you so.

There. That cynical enough for you?

5/20/07- *Special* Weekend Wrap-Up...

What's up everyone! What an eventful past 4 days this has been. Between my follow-up interview with Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer from Human Giant, to the fact that the day I posted that interview marked my 100th post! And let's not forget the fact that thanks to good folks like you guys, Human Giant received more then 1,200,000 hits on their section of MTV.com during their 24 hour takeover of MTV(thus securing them a second season).

There's simply just too much to get to this week, that I have preempted the latest edition of the "Wicked Pissah Webcast" in order to bring you this jam packed "State of the Blog: Weekend Round-Up" edition. Let's get to it then, shall we?

* Human Giant. Yes, they got over 1,000,000 hits on their website. Yes, they have been picked up for a second season. And yes, they couldn't have done it without the help of people like you(the readers) who all went to the website and stayed up to watch this historic MTV event. So on behalf of the whole gang at HG: Thanks for everything, and keep watching for season 2 as well as a DVD release in the not-so-distant future.

* The 100th post. Did I deliver, or did I deliver? What better way to celebrate vaf89's 100th post then to interview the people that directly influenced the popularity of it today! Those guys are good people who have one hell of a show. But above all, they never underestimate their fans. They're pretty fucking cool to grant me an interview with each of them. And they scored even more coolness points by taking time out of their very stressful and hectic work schedule of preparing for their takeover to grant me a follow-up interview. Besides, it was for a good cause. I'm always willing to do what I can to support some good, hard working comedians just trying to entertain.

* Prom weekend. As most of you know, this weekend most high schools held their senior proms. My high school was no exception. And as a senior, I obviously went to mine. And as a blogger, I obviously have a big cynical opinion on it all. And you'll hear that opinion this Monday. So stay tuned for that.

* Guest interviews. I am still working on acquiring more guest interviews. I sent out a boatload of requests to a whole slew of comics this week, and I am in the process of getting some pretty great responses, as well as a few "Thanks, but no thanks" letters(i'm talking to you, Emilio Estevez).

See you all on Monday!

5/18/07- Top 4 Human Giant skits as voted on by you...

Well, the votes are in, and thanks to your e-mails and comments, I now present you with the top 4 Human Giant skits as voted on by you, the readers! And remember to watch the Human Giant MTV takeover all day long until tomorrow at 12:00pm. And finally, be sure to go to humangiant.mtv.com and help the boys get 1,000,000 hits, or else MTV will slaughter a bundle of adorable kittens.

#4: Shutterbugs(uncensored version)


#3: Blood Oath


#2: Shittiest mixtape(unedited/uncensored version)


#1: Catching a predator

5/17/07- Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel from Human Giant talk about their MTV takeover...

As I told you all yesterday, the guys from Human Giant are going to be taking over MTV and MTV2 this friday at 12:00pm until saturday at 12:00pm. Paul and Rob were cool enough to let me pull them away from programing this friday's takeover for a little while and grant me an interview to help get the word out to people. Here it is:

Vin Forte: First off, congrats to you guys for getting to take over MTV for 24 hours. I want to help promote this event on my blog, so if there's anything you would like to say about it(maybe something exclusive perhaps?) please feel free to reply and i'll post it as soon as possible.

Paul Scheer: Literally a week ago MTV came to us and asked us if we would be interested in doing a 24 hour event...in a week. We said, "Yes!"" and since then we have been working our asses off to figure out how exactly to fill the time. We have full access to the MTV vaults, we can play pretty much anything we want, with the exception of anything Nirvana related (Damn you, Courtney Love). So that means Old Remote Control, Singled Out, Beavis and Butthead, Sifle and Ollie and tons more. Plus we'll be airing a Human Giant Marathon. Every episode from our entire 1st season and we have a ton of amazing guests like Will Arnett, Chris Anderson, Fred Armisen, Matt Besser, Andy Blitz, Michael Cera, Cracked Out, Curtis and John, Jon Daly, Zach Galifianakis, Brett Gelman, Jon Glaser, Bill Hader, Kane Brothers (Wrote the Theme to Illusionators and Spacelords), Nick Kroll, Adam McKay, Eugene Mirman, Morningwood, John Mullaney, The National, Bob Odenkirk, Rob Riggle, Andy Sandberg, Slovin and Allen, Michael Showalter, Jorma Taccone, Tapes 'n Tapes, Ted Leo, Tegan and Sara, The Walkmen, Andrew WK.....and many more. So check it out! As for something exclusive, here's a good quote to sum it all up for you: "It's going to have all the guests of a kickass celebrity telethon without all the sick kids!"

Rob Huebel: here's what i can tell you now. it's going to be insane. we're definitely going to play our show over and over because mtv hardly ever does. plus we're gonna show a bunch of other cool, funny shows they used to run way back. AND (actual) music videos for once. we've also got a whole slew of comedy friends coming by ...the list is way way too long to mention but the show will get rowdy..especially late night. bands are still confirming but that too is becoming a huge part of it. it's going to be like a throwback to the days when mtv was a channel you tuned in to just to see what would happen next. check it! rob huebel.

5/16/07- Help me help out Human Giant...

As some of you may know, I have a very friendly and symbiotic relationship with the guys from MTV's hit comedy show "Human Giant". They granted me my first interview right before their show aired a few months ago, and because of that interview, when people searched for Human Giant on Google or Digg or any other one of those sites, my blog would pop up with the post of my interview with them. This made my daily hits skyrocket from 3-4,000 to now 8-11,000 daily! Well to be honest, I probably wouldn't have a popular blog today if it hadn't been for Paul Scheer, Rob Huebel, and Aziz Ansari.

Which brings me to the point of all of this. Starting this Friday at 12:00 noon and going until 12:00 noon this Saturday, the guys from Human Giant will be taking over MTV and broadcasting live for 24 hours straight! They'll be showing a marathon of their show as well as be playing their favorite music videos and shows(yes, even "The State").

Make no mistake, this is a big fucking deal. This is only the third time in the history of MTV that they will have allowed a guest to take total control of their airwaves for 24 hours straight(the other two guests being Foo Fighters and Courtney Love).

I'm asking all of my readers to watch this Friday and Saturday for as long as you possibly can(or fuck it, at least just leave your televisions on so that they'll still get the ratings). Also, go to www.mtv.com and hit up the Human Giant section. Another condition of the takeover deal was that the MTV website would get over 1,000,000 hits during it. Don't ask why, I honestly don't know why.

But maybe we'll all find out tomorrow when I interview, for the second time, the boys from Human Giant. That's right. Remember when I said earlier in the week that I had a surprise planned for this week? Well, this is it! For the next three days this blog will be devoted to all things Human Giant in an effort to help out the guys who helped me out.

So here's the rundown for the rest of the week:

*Tomorrow- My follow-up interview with Human Giant. It certainly won't be as long as the last one, but really what interview would be?(I mean, that was a long fucking interview) But they'll be taking time off from preparing this weekends content to talk with me and help get the word out about their MTV takeover.

*Friday- To get everyone in the spirit of things, I'll be posting a slew of Human Giant videos. Oh, and did I mention that it'll all be reader requests? Start commenting me with your favorite HG skits now!

*Saturday- Probably a thank you to the readers for helping out Rob, Paul, and Aziz. And then pretty much back to schedule.

See you all tomorrow!

5/15/07- Bud arrested with buds...

What? I told you, I was smoking it to calm me down so I wouldn't feel the need to beat the shit out of my wife with a tire iron.

David Faustino, best known as Bud Bundy on "Married… With Children" has been arrested on charges of marijuana possession and disorderly intoxication, according to police. Faustino, 33, was arrested in New Smyrna Beach, Florida over the weekend when a police officer reportedly saw him sitting in his car arguing with his estranged wife.

The couple admitted they had been drinking and cops later found a baggie in Faustino's pocket allegedly containing about a gram of marijuana, according to police. Faustino filed for divorce from Andrea Elmer, his wife of three years, in February 2007.

Make a good note of this blog people. Why? Because it's the first(and last) time since 1993 that David Faustino has gotten ANY press. Why is this news? Who cares if Ed Oneal's television son got caught with some weed? It's like caring if cousin Oliver from "The Brady Bunch" got busted with meth: you just don't.

Besides, is it a surprise to anyone that a former child star got busted with weed while trying to beat the shit out of his estranged wife? The answer is obviously no. It was only a matter of time. Now Bud Bundy can finally join the exclusive fraternity of has-been child stars that include such illustrious celebs as Screech from "Saved by the Bell", Danny Bonadouchebag, and of course, Cory Feldman. LOST BOYS!

5/14/07- If you like to sync up Dark Side of the Moon with The Wizard of Oz, then this blog's for you...

I was in a local deli the other day, when I picked up a copy of "High Times" magazine. Come, let me take you all through a wonderful journey through the cannabis laden pages of this weird, awkward periodical, shall we?

First of all, you will only need to buy one issue to realize that you only need to buy one issue....EVER! Seriously, it's the same fucking issue each and every month. And for those of you not lucky enough to live near a store that sells High Times, it's just what you are imagining it is. It literally is just pages and pages of weed bushels and bong accessories. It's like the stoner's equivalent of Playboy(one shows pages and pages of women, the other shows pages and pages of hemp).

Randomly scattered around the magazine are a few articles. And just as I previously stated, they're basically the same each month. There's an interview with some Jamaican dude, an article about wanting pot legalized, a couple of stoner stories sent in to the editors(ala Penthouse), and of course, an in-depth profile about every stoner's favorite show: Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

I will give them this much. May's issue is a special one because they showcase in it "Miss Stony 2007". Yup, just like Playboy would have Miss December or Miss July, High Times has a cover story on the most drugged out girl I've ever seen. It's a fucking shock she even remembered to wake up for the actual photo shoot after smoking all that weed.

But before I go I have one big question I would like all of you to ponder with me: If they proudly display tons and tons of weed in their magazine each month, actually show you how to grow the best weed, and probably see hundreds of letters filled with drugs to their offices each and every day, How come the police have never made a single bust? I smell a conspiracy theory.

5/13/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week ending May 13, 2007:

Hey gang. I have quite a few topics to get through this week, so let's just get started, shall we.

* First off, and most importantly, this Thursday will mark my 100th post on vaf89.blogspot.com(yay)! So, this Thursday, instead of writing a regular topical/pop culture/humor blog, I will be doing a retrospective of the past 100 posts and the overall evolution of this site as a whole. As well as some other surprises.

* Next, I have narrowed the choices for the next "Theme Week" down to four, and would like you all to comment, e-mail, or myspace message me which one you(the loyal readers) want as your next big "Theme Week". Your choices are: A) T.V. Week B) Indie Music Week C) 90's Week D) Shark Week. Choose wisely!

* And lastly, I am now in the process of acquiring more guest interviews for Fridays. So there. Happy now?

See you all manana!

5/12/07- Fitzy talks Tom Brady, Roger Clemens, and the GFY of the week...

This week Fitzy mouths off about Tom Brady's wardrobe malfunction and the non-Red Sox Return of the Rent-A-Rocket, as well as this week's "Go Fuck Yourself" of the week. Enjoy! And be sure to check out www.townienews.com for all of the Fitzy content you can handle. Including exclusive blogs, airchecks, and the complete "Wicked Pissah Webcast" archive.

5/11/07- Spiderman 3: The Crying Game...

By this time, Spiderman 3 has probably made at least half a billion dollars worldwide at the box-office. But if I can just detract one person from going to see this piece of crap, then I've done my job.

I won't bore you with the plot because A) You probably know it already if you cared enough to read this review, thus implying that you were already interested in seeing it. and/or B) Seriously, it's boring and I don't waste my time boring you to death when I could just use arbitrary bullet points to point out it's flaws. Which is what I will do now.

* First of all, someone needs to tell Kirsten Dunst that nobody cares about her singing, or even cares about her at this point in the spiderman movies for that matter. She is such a whiny little bitch. She has not one, but TWO singing roles in this movie. I wanted to take two knives and shove them in my ears to distract me from the pain(she fucking sucks). That, and she cries in nearly every other scene in the movie. Just shut the fuck up already and marry spiderman. I don't get it. Why is she so hesitant to marry him? He's spiderman! He's loved by all and can fly around the city with webs and climb up fucking walls! What other husband on earth can do even just one of those things?

* Venom. Venom is Fucking awesome! But......he shows up about 10 minutes before the movie ends. And dies almost immediately. And when he takes his mask off and reveals himself to be Eric Foreman from "That 70's Show", I almost want to give him a wedgie and flush his head in the toilet. 'Nuff said.

* Peter Parker disco dancing through New York with cheesy background music while pointing at ladies like a pervert just acquitted on charges of beating his wife. Again, 'nuff said.

* And last, but certainly not least, Sandman. Lets see. If I could pick one villain to pit Spiderman against, it most certainly would NOT be Sandman. Sandman!? Are you fucking kidding me? Are we really scraping the bottom of the barrel this soon? A villain made of fucking sand is the best they could come up with? Dr. Octopus has big metal tentacles, Green Goblin has bombs and a cool hover board, Sand man can....um....turn into fucking sand? That's cool, I guess? No.

Bottom line: If you want to see a high-flying, web-slinging adventure this weekend, then go rent Spiderman 2. You'll be much happier.

5/10/07- What do you get when you cross $1,000,000,000, a flat chest, and mouth herpes?...

Paris Hilton, of course.

This week America rejoiced as the world's worst role model was sentenced to 45 days in jail for drunk driving and having a suspended license. I for one would like to give the judge who sentenced that whore to her jail time the fucking Nobel Peace Prize for finally being the one guy to take a fucking stand and make an example out of her that just because you have billions of dollars and an ass load of notoriety, that doesn't mean that you are above the law.

Now, usually I would frown upon the media covering a story like this simply based on the fact that if this was you or I who were caught with a suspended license, no one would give a shit. But I think that this time I'll make an exception. If only just to see the joy that this is bringing to millions of parents around this country that despise the example that Paris has been setting for their children.

The best part, to me at least, was that she broke down and cried in the courtroom, while at the same time, the judge was receiving a standing ovation from the crowd while onlookers outside cheered after hearing the guilty verdict.

Her defense(if you can call it that) was that her "people" forgot to mention to her that you cannot drive with a suspended license. Not only that, but she claims that she never even knew her license was suspended. Are you fucking kidding me!? She should get the death sentence just for being so stupid. How do you not know that you have a suspended license? Aren't you right fucking there when the cop gives you the court summons? Better yet, aren't you in court when they tell you that it's fucking suspended?

I could rant on and rejoice about this all day. But the bottom line is: Chalk up a victory for humanity, and send that dumb bitch to jail. Nanana na, nanana na, FUCK YOU!, goodbye!

5/9/07- Berries and Cream...

No doubt you have all seen these stupid commercials for Starburst lately that have some little elf creature with a prince valiant haircut going crazy and dancing around like a faggot over these new berries and cream flavored Starburst.

If I have to hear one more person in my school sing the berries and cream song from that commercial I think I might just have to turn around and kick them in the fucking berries and cream for annoying me with this stupid song.

How did this come about? What happened at this board meeting within the confines of the Starburst headquarters that led to some guy standing up and saying: Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we dress some douchebag up like he just sashayed out of a keebler elf orgy, give him a Pete Rose style bowl cut, and lets have him just dance back and forth while singing the product name? BRILLIANT!

Are there no actual GOOD ideas these days for pitching a product that don't end with millions of kids screaming "BERRIES AND CREAM" at the top of their lungs?

In case you haven't seen the video, here it is:

5/8/07- It came from Myspace!...

I'm starting a brand new periodic feature today called: "It came from Myspace!" Every so often I will find some poem, article, or diatribe off of myspace that is so weird, yet so well crafted and thought out, that it warrants me giving it exposure to over 10,000 readers. This month's gem? Sunscreen! Yes, sunscreen. Don't ask me why or how, but I found it and it's so stupid and genius at the same time. I simply just couldn't pass this up. Enjoy!

"Sunscreen":

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’07 If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen."

5/7/07- Ramen noodles: Because your mom's on welfare...

My mommy lets me drink my own pee to save money on water.

I was cleaning out my kitchen yesterday, when I found a box of Ramen noodles that had to be at least 4 years old. But, surprisingly, the date on the box said that they were still good until over 2010!

This got me thinking about when someone would want to consciously eat these things. I mean, unless your whole family is on welfare and need to save up enough money to pay off the second mortgage on the cardboard box, no self-respecting human should be consuming these cheap excuses for edible goods.

And when you do decide to actually eat Ramen noodles, the whole middle of the container is still hard and stale from not letting the water sit long enough to re-hydrate the noodles. Not to mention that they always tried to make Ramen noodles suedo-healthy by adding these tiny plastic vegetables in the cup(great idea). But the truth is that the noodles were more salty then the inside of Paris Hilton's.....well, you know where I'm going with this.

So, bottom line: Don't buy Ramen noodles unless you are poor enough that your plans also include using the cup to panhandle quarters outside of a Pathmark.

5/6/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week ending May 6, 2007:

What's up, my loyal blogging aficionados? I know you are all probably disappointed about the fact that Spiderman 3 broke box office records despite the fact that it sucked worse then Paris Hilton at a (insert noun) (insert verb) (insert adjective). But I'll get to both Paris and Spiderman later this week. For now, here are this week's bullet points:

* Human Giant is finally available for purchase on Xbox Live Marketplace for just 160 points an episode! You go now! BUY!!!

* I'm trying to come up with a new theme week to kick off the Fourth of July week in a few months. So, I'm leaving it up to you, my loyal readers, to send me your ideas. The best one(deemed by me) will be anointed it's own theme week.

* And finally, just a heads up for this Friday. There probably won't be a celebrity interview this week. Mostly because I'm in the process of lining up some guests right now and need some time to get their responses and pick and choose which ones to post. This Friday will probably just be a good old fashioned original blog post.

See you all manana!

5/5/07- Cinco De Mayo with your old pal Fitzy...

This week, Fitzy talks about the Yankees pitching, Steinbrenner's bitching, and the Patriots itching to get newly acquired Randy Moss into top form in time for for the start of the 2007 football season. So, relax, grab a cold one, and enjoy an all new installment of the "Wicked Pissah Webcast". Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you: GO FUCK YOURSELF!



Be sure to check out www.townienews.com for all things Fitzy. Including exclusive blogs, airchecks, and the entire "Wicked Pissah Webcast" archive.

This week's guest: Patton Oswalt...

Patton, looking very queer, as he shows off his chops in a Sierra Mist commercial.

Well, here it is. The interview that should have stayed in my inbox's trash bin. It's that fucking bad. Again, let me stress that I would have been very content and understandable had Patton just said that he had too much fan mail and couldn't answer my questions. But if you're going to take the time(however short it was for him) to respond to an interview, don't half-ass the fucking thing or else you make yourself seem like a big holier then thou douchebag(which is what this interview makes him look exactly like). Don't believe me? Read the following interview and I dare you to tell me that he doesn't seem like he's too important to respond to a blogger. And before you read this, I left out one small detail(just in case you still think i'm getting angry for no good reason). You might want to pay special attention to question 12, where he explains to me that I have no readers. Also, in question 11, where I use the classic James Lipton question from "Inside the Actor's Studio", all he does is point out the fact(which was intentional on my part, by the way) that I stole the question from there. So enjoy!

1. How did you get interested in wanting to become a comic?

See my myspace or wikipedia bio.

2. How did your first stand up gig go?

Badly.

3. What was the worst job you've ever had outside of stand up?

Event deejay.

4. How did the comediens of comedy come about?

See The Comedians of Comedy wikipedia entry.

5. Any upcoming T.V. or movie roles?

See my imdb profile.

6. Whats on your iPod right now?

Friday Night Lights.

7. Whats on your Tivo/DVR right now?

Planet Earth.

8. A night on the town for Patton Oswalt consists of...?

Scotch and movies.

9. What was the worst experience you have ever had in regards to ever bombing on stage?

See my wikipedia entry.

10. In comediens of comedy you talked about good edgy comics that just don't have alot of mainstream exposure yet. Do you have a few people in mind right now that you would like to get the word out about?

See my Q&A thread on aspecialthing.com.

11. When you die, what do you want God to say to you at the pearly gates?

I'm sorry I'm ripping this off from James Lipton and that French dude.

12. Any parting words of advice for the readers?

There is no Them.

5/3/07- This week's guest: P***** O*****(prelude)...

Like I said yesterday, this week's guest interview is top secret(for now). Why? Because before I post the actual interview tomorrow, I want to give you a little background on why THIS particular interview is so noteworthy.

Usually when I send out a request to a comic or a celebrity I am very kind, courteous, and respectful of the fact that they might not be able to grant me an interview simply due to the fact that they can't just go responding to everyone's messages or they'd be there answering fan mail all fucking day. I understand that. But what this comic did to me instead of pointing out the aforementioned fact about answering EVERY piece of fan mail they receive was just not right or called for at all.

Instead of simply just responding to my message with a simple: "Sorry, but I have alot of fan mail to get through and can't take time to do an interview right now. But thanks for being a fan and writing to me anyway." This high and mighty douchbag just used the smallest, most fact deprived, half-assed answers I've ever received from a responder to one of my interviews....EVER!

And you'll find out who this royal douchebag is in tomorrow's post, where I will post the full "interview" unchanged from the exact wording and response it was in when I received it in my inbox one fateful morning.

5/2/07- Under Construction...

Sorry folks, no blogging today. I'm taking today to work on a very special blog that will be posted this Friday. It's got it all: comedy, celebrity cameos, ranting, and me calling out a famous comedian for the crime of being a gigantic douchebag. That's all I'm telling you about it for now. Stay tuned tomorrow for an all new blog(I promise), and then get ready on Friday for the most in-depth, rant infused celebrity interview yet! You won't be disappointed.

5/1/07- *SPECIAL* Truly Tasteless Tuesday: Dead Baby Edition...

In celebration of today being "National Bad and Tasteless Joke Week" I have decided that every year on the tuesday that this holiday falls on I will pick one specific area of the tasteless joke world and explore it. This year's topic: Dead Baby Jokes! They're rude, crude, disgusting, in very very poor taste, and sometimes even funny. So brace yourself, get out your barf bag, and prepare to be blown away by my hand-picked assortment of bad taste.

* What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume!

* How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.

* What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup? The dead baby won't stick to the roof of your mouth.

* What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

* What is red and creeps up your leg? A homesick abortion.

* What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can? Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

* What's worse than smoking pot with a baby? Making a bong out of it

* What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ? Crib death.

* Why did the baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.

* If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, is it still hilarious?

* How do you make a dead baby float? Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

* How do you spoil a baby? Leave it out in the sun.

Now go tell your friends and spread the joy of dead baby jokes to all, you sick sons of bitches!