3/31/07- *Special* Fitzy's out sick....again...

Yup. He's out sick this week. And yes, I know he was out sick two weeks ago too but what can you do? That switch from bitterly cold winter temperatures to springtime sunshine can really fuck up your sinuses. So, hopefully Fitzy will be back next week. So in lieu of a new webcast this week I proudly present to you the wonder, the excitement, the man, the myth, and the legend: Gene Gene the Dancing Machine!

Myspace Blog #8: My Christmas blog (written two days after halloween)...

*Well, this is it. The final Myspace blog.(as well as the most time sensitive one) It pretty much speaks for itself. Christmas is coming earlier and earlier every year, and I'm sick and tired of it as well as all of the political correctness bullshit that goes with it. This post was written on November 2, 2006.

It's only two days after Halloween and already there are Christmas undertones in the air. The first sign I noticed that made me wonder if Christmas was coming too early came while I was walking around the Staten Island Mall yesterday. I calmly walked into the mall, made a left, and noticed a clothing store that had multicolored lights on it's sign. I thought to myself, well maybe these are just festive lights and not Christmas lights. So I just kept walking. But then I passed a CVS. And hanging in the window was a big lit sign that said "HO HO HO", and next to that sign was a big inflatable lawn Santa. At that point I knew it was official. Christmas had arrived at its earliest time ever: 1:47pm on November 1st.

This is getting ridiculous! Every year Christmas keeps getting earlier and earlier. When I was a kid Halloween was Halloween and Santa wasn't poking his fat ass into it. I'd be willing to bet you any amount of money that next year for Halloween some stupid kid rings my doorbell dressed as Santa and shoves a big red sack near my face and says "trick or treat". Also, when I was growing up thanksgiving was thanksgiving, not Christmas: part 1. You ate, you drank, and you passed out, and nobody woke you up and said "lets go shopping".

Now don't get me wrong. I'm the biggest supporter of Christmas you will ever find. It's my favorite time of the year. But having Christmas presented to me the day after Halloween and not the day after thanksgiving just takes some of the effect away from Christmas. It just doesn't seem so special when its hyped up over two months in advance. For Christs sake people, some radio stations on the east coast have already flipped to their annual all-Christmas music format.(on November 1st?)

Oh, and for the record, its "MERRY CHRISTMAS" not "SEASONS GREETINGS" or "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" you uptight politically correct mother fuckers.

3/29/07- Rock out with your sock out...

Now I know that I've said this a million times in many different posts already, but today I saw the weirdest, creepiest thing I've seen in a long, long time.

I was going for a walk around the neighborhood this afternoon when all of a sudden my eye spotted a homeless man.....wearing a pink members only jacket and a sock on his hand. Now if you think that the pink shirt is what I'm here to talk about, then you don't know me very well because I wouldn't just write a whole couple of paragraphs just based on that. No, there would have to be something more to it then just a pink shirt.

The weirdness in this story comes from the sock on the guy's hand. Why? Oh, maybe because the sock had two buttons for eyes and a sewed on string for a mouth, and the homeless man was carrying on a conversation with it as if it were real. A conversation about what you ask? Niggers. Yup, this particular homeless man was carrying on a conversation with his racist puppet sock hand.(I couldn't make this shit up people) He kept yelling at the sock and arguing with it about the matters of segregation, bringing back slavery, and his disbelief that black people were allowed to vote on American Idol(you heard me right).

This haggard, crazy, old homeless man did have one nice thing to say: "Those colored people do make the best damn pot roast I've ever eaten." (???)

3/28/07- Jesus of Suburbia...

The Passion of the Christ II

Today in school we were all forced to take three periods out of our day to go into the auditorium and watch Mel Gibson's big, savior killing, anti-Semitic classic: The Passion of the Christ.

Why was this movie made? You're gonna tell me that there were no better inspirational examples of Jesus' teachings then the portion of his life where he was beaten to death and nailed to a cross? What about when he was curing leprosy and making lunch for everybody? Why not highlight the actual parts of Jesus' life where he was...wait for it.....actually FUCKING TEACHING PEOPLE HOW TO LIVE! He wasn't teaching anyone 12 feet up on a cross bleeding to death.

Look, the only reason this movie was a success was because violence sells big time at the box office. This is one of the biggest cases of hypocrisy I've ever heard of. You're telling me that the catholic church wants us to stay away from all violent movies but will actually go out of their fucking way to promote one of the goriest, cringe-inducing movies I've ever seen?

Also, besides the violent scenes where Jesus gets tortured, the movie is pretty fucking boring.(that's right, I said it) Half the movie is just him getting sentenced to death and then after a quick round of whippings that get boring and overplayed after about five minutes(I'm not joking, he literally gets whipped no less then 90 times) you are treated to about a full half hour(maybe even a bit longer) of Jesus carrying his cross. BORING! Then get ready for some of the most cringe-inducing moments in movie history as Jesus gets nails hammered into his hands and feet on a cross, and then after he dies.....that's it. Yup. No Resurrection. No Pentecost. No actual fucking ending.

What a waste of ten bucks. Why would someone want to pay money to go watch Jesus die? Usually when I go to the movies I want to be entertained, not soiled with guilt about my shitty existence. Thanks alot Mel Gibson, you big anti-Semitic homo. "Oh, but he's not anti-Semitic." BULLSHIT! Nobody makes this kind of a movie and then gets drunk and blames the Jews for all the wars in the world without being anti-Semitic, you dumb, ignorant, religious right fucks!

3/27/07- King of all -pedia...

Wikipedia is quite possibly the greatest invention ever created. You can get anything on there. Go there right now and type in anything and there will be at least a paragraph on it. I typed in "asdf" and a few lines came up.(try it) Wikipedia is just one of the many reasons that I'm glad I wasn't born 20 years ago or I would have completely missed the boat on this whole Internet thing.

Could you imagine actually having to go to the fucking library to do work? Let alone the fact that you would actually have to do work in the first place. Now you just type in what you need, whether it be the Louisiana purchase, the origin of the word "honky", or just the name of anyone you want to write shit about yourself, and all the info you could ever need on that topic just pops up like that.

But the best part about wikipedia is that anyone can write or edit the articles that are posted on there. I could go to wikipedia right now and type in that Abraham Lincoln shit himself during the Gettysburg address. I could type in that Derek Jeter likes to have young Vietnamese boys rub him down in Crisco and shock his nipples with electrical clamps. I could even type in(and I have in the past) that I have a twelve inch penis that cures cancer and grants wishes.

The only bad thing is that the thousands of people monitoring wikipedia usually delete these kinds of false statements within minutes. (And by false statements I'm referring to everything except the last sentence of the last paragraph)

3/26/07- Sea Wave Part 2: Post-Wave...

Last Saturday I went to the Sea Wave for about 40 minutes. It was just way too gay for my taste. I felt like I was the tallest person there. Everyone was either a freshman or an incoming freshman, and all of them were around 4'2 and all homo. Pink shirts, gelled hair, squeaky voices, the whole nine........the whole faggy, faggy nine.

So I walked right on out the door and headed to this kid S****'s house who was having a party in lieu of the Sea Wave. I got to S****'s house and there were a few people there and it was starting to rain. So we attempted to put a tarp up over the backyard and held the tarp up with a basketball hoop:



After we got that whole mess set up everyone started getting drunk. My friend K**** was playing beer pong and got so wasted. He had to have drank no less then 10 beers in like 15 minutes. He's also one of those happy-go-lucky drunks that goes around telling everyone that he loves them. He kept coming up to me and hugging me, telling me that I was the "fucking man" and that "when I die, I'm going right to the front of the line". Line for what? Hell? Was he planning on killing me while I wasn't looking or something, but got too drunk to carry out his plans?

There were plans to have a kiddie pool set up filled with KY jelly that girls would wrestle in, but my friend M*** dropped the ball on that one and was too fucking lazy to go get the jelly. I had a feeling it wasn't going to happen because the sheer logistics of it are insane to begin with. Do you realize how much money you would need to afford the amount of jelly needed to fill a kiddie pool with KY jelly?

Then, and this is where the shit started to hit the fan and the whole night started to spiral downhill, this kid, R*****, who used to go to my school but got kicked out, started drinking.......ALOT, and THEN he chugged a whole bottle of vodka.(responsible drinking at its finest) He then slipped and fell backwards not once, not twice, but three times. And on the third time he fell backwards and hit the back of his head on a slab of concrete. It was bleeding pretty bad so they sent two people to drive him to the hospital. And the party continued. No big deal. It was only just a kid with a bleeding head and a blood alcohol level of .34, no reason to stop the party, right?

So the party continued until D** pulled up in S****'s driveway honking his horn for 20 seconds too long while everyone yelled excitedly as it was announced that the keg had arrived. No reason at all for the neighbors to look out their windows in anger and suspicion as they now watched a bunch of underage teens hauling a keg out of a trunk. As was expected, one of the neighbors called the cops. When it was announced that the cops were on their way everyone immediately got the fuck out of there. I never saw a place clear out faster in my life. while everyone was leaving, S**** and a few other people closed the gate to his backyard and went to lay low inside his house. As I was walking up the block to wait for my ride(and not get caught by the cops) I looked behind me as the cops were just entering S****'s house. And thus my night ended with a veritable denouement full of downward spirals and drunken escapes into the night.

The next day I found out that S**** had been given a summons to appear in court. As for R*****, well, he had to get his stomach pumped as well as get his face punched in by his dad when he found out his son was drunk with a bloody head over at the hospital.

Good times guys........Good (drunken) times.

3/25/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week ending March 25, 2007:

First of all, don't forget to check back tomorrow for part two of my Sea Wave post. I guarantee that you will not want to miss it.

I don't really have much to say this week, so I'll just give you some main bullet points to look forward to in tomorrow's thrilling, action packed conclusion to the Sea Wave post:

*Drunk antics

*Guidos

*Trips to the emergency room

*Cops

*Beer pong

*Pissed off neighbors

*KY jelly(???)

*And other fun stuff of that nature

Be sure to check back tomorrow because if you only read one post this year, make it this one.

3/24/07- Fitzy's finally back with an all new webcast...

Well, Fitzy finally fixed his computer and was able to update the wicked pissah webcast for this week. Therefore, I won't have you wait any longer. Here it is, chock full of hilarity and sports related humor, it's this weeks Wicked Pissah Webcast! Brought to you as always by www.townienews.com.



And be sure to check out www.townienews.com for exclusive blogs, radio airchecks, archived webcasts, and other Fitzy related content.

Myspace Blog #7: The guido culture and how I deal with it...

*I hate Guidos. They are the most obnoxious stereotype know to man and it's high time I ripped them a new one. This post was written on September 28, 2006.

If there is one thing I hate in life more then people who can't be themselves it's got to be Guidos. You think that blacks and Asians get stereotyped badly? You should just look at one of these Guido mother fuckers. What's your stereotype? Being good at sports and liking chicken? I'll gladly take that. What's yours? Being good at math and knowing kung-fu? I'd gladly take that too. But if there is one stereotype that I hate is has to be the Guido Italian stereotype.

Guido- a person of Italian decent that enjoys acting like he is black, wearing Ginni tees, talking black, listening to dance music, spiking their hair with way too much gel, refers to peers as "my bois, dogs, or (most embarrassing) niggas", and last, but definitely not least, feeling the need to let everyone they ever cross paths with in life know that they like the Godfather and Scarface.

Look, I like the godfather and Scarface just as much as the next guy, but I don't go around posting Scarface backgrounds and godfather quotes on my myspace. Now some Guidos I don't mind, just so long as they don't want to annoy the shit out of me by singing rap songs in the seat behind me in 6th period. If you are an obnoxious and annoying Guido and you're reading this, then do us all a favor and kill yourself because then you'll at least be one less person that I have to deal with in life, you annoying ghetto wanna-be never-was Guido pricks. You serve no purpose but to aid in the cultural decay of our society. If you are offended by this and you were born before 1989, then I semi-apologize because ,for the most part, the Guidos of yesterday are'nt nearly as bothersome as the new class of Guidos that I grew up with.

Personally, I feel sorry for black people who live in the ghetto because they must be the most confused about all of this. They have to put up with the fact that they would kill to have the kind of lives that some of these rich, spoiled, Guido ball-busters have, while at the same time these Guidos are all trying to act like the ghetto black kids that can't get into a good school and have next to nothing to live on.

But god forbid any one of these Guidos actually found themselves in a ghetto. I bet they wouldn't be going "yo yo yo my niggas" then.(you spoiled obnoxious cheap stereotypes)

3/22/07- Sea Wave Part I: Pre-Wave...

Well, as the end of the week approaches it brings with it the annual "Sea Wave" this Saturday night. The Sea Wave is the name of my school's yearly dance. It's a pretty big event here on the island, that's why I'm splitting this post into two parts: Pre-Wave and Post-Wave(to be written on Monday).

Mostly, people just go to the Sea Wave for an hour, maybe two hours, and then figure out whose house to go have the after party at. But some interesting shit does happen during the actual dance, and that's what I'll be reporting on come Monday. Every year they get some band or artist to come play at our school. Last year it was some stupid techno singer named "Cascada". This year they got some faggy "Panic at the disco", fake, emo, rip-off band called: "Self Against City". How gay are they? Why don't you just click on their myspace link below and find out for yourself. But be warned, exposure to their music and gay pictures might cause you to feel a need to wear eyeliner and kiss boys.

www.myspace.com/selfagainstcity

As if the band wasn't bad enough, we paid almost $50 for tickets to this thing and we still have to bring money for drinks and food. But there is one redeeming factor about the Sea Wave: Sea Idol. Yup, it's just what you think it is, an American idol style singing contest between five different students. The judges are going to be three DJs from Z100(a top 40 radio station here in New York). [insert gay American Idol joke here] I'd insert one myself, but in order to make a humorous observation about American Idol, I'd have to watch it, which I don't.

Well, that's it for now. I've just given you all the setup and come Monday you'll get the punchline.

See you next week and be sure to pray that my ears don't get raped by the emo sounds of "Self Against City" this weekend.

3/21/07- White Lines...

I like how when a teenager dies in like a car accident or something from drunk driving, you still have to act as if that kid was such a good son or a hard worker who just longed to hang out with his friends.......while snorting cocaine and drinking jack and jager.

I knew a kid growing up that was one of the baddest motherfuckers around. He did it all. He drank, smoked, and stole from just about anyone he wanted too. He had one specific trademark, he enjoyed snorting cocaine, alot! I remember back in seventh grade he wanted to box this kid Joe. Not even in a ring or anything, on the kids balcony on the side of his house! He was so high at the time, he got the shit beat out of him. His coordination was off by just a little bit(because of you know what). And this trend continued into high school. His first year he went to a public school but got kicked out when his grades started to suffer due to some illegal after school activities....and boxing. He then landed his ass into a life of crime and misdomenors, and pretty much just became a junkie.

Then, two summers ago he got drunk and was in a car accident in New Jersey that killed him. But for some reason people refuse to accept that he had a problem with drugs and alcohol. Hell, I don't even think his parents knew about it. All of my friends that knew him were bitching to me that "I don't know what I'm talking about" and that "The drugs had nothing to do with it because he hadn't taken any that night." Right, THAT night. What about all the years of abuse he was doing to his body? That must have accounted for some loss of brain cells?

Now look, I'm not saying that I wanted to see him die, but it wasn't hard to see it coming. When I heard that he had died it was one of those things where you just think about it for five seconds and go "Well, I told you so". And for people to not take his drug and alcohol abuse into question and do something to prevent this from happening to more people is insane. And what did his "friends" do? They just kept doing drugs of course. Why shouldn't they? after all, it WAS just one little incident(that caused someone to fucking die!), "Can't happen to me". BULLSHIT!

3/20/07- Chinese Democracy...

Will it be good? Will it suck major balls? What am I even talking about? Let me explain.



Back in 1994 when the band Guns and Roses split up, front man Axl Rose decided to carry on the band with new members and had announced immediate plans for a brand new album called "Chinese Democracy". Well, it has been over 13 years and what seems like thousands of changes to the band's roster and still no "Chinese Democracy". Actual Chinese democracy will occur before this fucking record comes out. Not that it would even matter. Most people who were Guns and Roses fans have moved on to the band Velvet Revolver, which is made up of 3 of the 5 original members of G&R. So even if the album is released, it wouldn't even be the same band you'd be hearing on the CD. It's just that at this point, people are very curious to hear what this *new* incarnation of Guns and Roses sounds like. The people simply just want questions answered. Questions like: What do they sound like? Are they actually any good? and perhaps the biggest question: If this *new* Guns and Roses ARE any good, could they perhaps end up achieving greater success then Velvet Revolver?

Well, after years of waiting and speculation, the most controversial, over-produced, over-budgeted album(at $13 million) to never be released, finally has a tentative release date of sometime in June(hopefully). Don't get too hopeful though. Remember, after all, we're talking about an album that has been delayed more times then the start of the 2004 hockey season. Hopefully the outcome this time won't be the same as that of the hockey season.

3/19/07- Californication: An indirect follow up to "ManLaw #1"...

First off, if you have never read my original post in the first place then please take a couple of minutes to read the original before you read this blatant continuation:

http://vaf89.blogspot.com/2007/02/22207-manlaw-1-no-pink-shirts-allowed.html

Now, on with the post.



I've realized something that I could never quite put my finger on for all of my teenage years until now. Every instance of emasculate and effeminate culture, as well as the trend of Guido behavior among our nation's youth has stemmed from one place: California.

Now you might be saying to yourself right now: "But Vin, how can the Guido culture stem from California when most Italians live on the east coast?" Simple. In fact, let me answer that question with a few questions of my own. Why are Guido's always tan if the sun isn't out for most of the year? But in California the people are always tan because there is never snow and or traditional winter-like conditions, therefore the sun is out for nearly all of the year thus giving people year long tans. Gee, I wonder where people on the east coast got the itch to want to have a nice orange artificial tan?

As for the emasculation of America, what state has within it the gayest city in America, San Francisco? Oh, that's right, California! Look, I don't have a problem with gay people. In fact, I'm probably one of the most accepting, tolerant people you will ever meet. But when I use the word "gay" I mean figuratively not literally. Not following me? Here's a perfect example. There are millions of people in New York city, some of them are gay and look just like you and me, and I have no problem with that. But then you have the people that wear the small, pink shirts with fucking leopard pants and combat boots spray painted purple and you expect me to act as if that person has dignity? That guy's a fucking homo(figuratively of course). The point is that I have no problem with gay people, just sissies and people who are blatantly out of their fucking mind when it comes to their self respect.

I have just realized at this point in writing this post that I have probably angered a few people. So I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead and end it here. Hopefully I'll pick this up with "Part III" sometime in the future. But until then, remember to help control the nitwit population, have your stupid friends spayed or neutered. Goodnight America!

3/18/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week ending March 18, 2007:

This week I'm only going to address one question and one question only. Mostly because I'm in the middle of writing an essay for English class and don't want to waste too much time. This past week I've gotten a whole slew of e-mails asking about these "guest bloggers" that I will be showcasing in two weeks once the myspace blogs have run out. Well, here is all of the information I can reveal to you thus far:

*I already have 5 posts from 5 different people already cued up and ready to be posted on this blog, so don't worry about any sort of lack in my ability to secure people to write interesting shit for me.

*They will be every Friday and will be titled: "This week's Guest Blogger: (insert name)".

*They will start two weeks from this past Friday and will consist of either celebrities, radio personalities, magazine columnists, or whomever, ranting or giving their opinion on anything from pop culture to just interesting shit going on in their lives.

*You may be asking yourself: How in god's name can he get famous people to write guest blogs for him? It's easier then you think. I simply just message them through myspace and ask if they would be interested. I have been turned down from some people, but most are more then happy to help me out and submit a few paragraphs for my shitty little blog. Plus, it's not like most people are going to turn down free exposure. (my shitty little blog does get over 2,000 hits a day now)

*Oh, and one more thing. Next week I will announce who the very first "Guest Blogger" will be.

More info to come then. But for now, I'll see you all tomorrow for an all new original blog post.

3/17/07- *Special* St. Patrick's Day Post...

Well, truth be told, the only reason I'm doing this is because Fitzy got too drunk this morning at the parade and passed out before he could get to his computer to upload the new webcast. So he'll be back with an all new edition of the "Wicked Pissah Webcast" next week. But for now you'll just have to put up with my bullshit rants about my St. Patrick's Day adventures and whatnot.

I started today waking up(no shit) and then getting into the spirit of the Holiday by enjoying a nice bowl of delicious, non-stereotypical Lucky Charms. Then I went over to the Staten Island Mall to pick up a copy of "Borat" on DVD. Because what says "I'm celebrating the Irish liberation of religious freedom" better then a British comedian impersonating a Kazakstani journalist who oppresses women and hates the Jews?

But my fun didn't stop there. On my way out of the mall a drunk man(surprisingly enough, not Irish) asked me for a cigar and $2.50. I don't know why? I honestly wish I did though. It seems very interesting to me. Like, what was he going to do with a cigar and $2.50? The cigar I kind-of understand, but $2.50?(or should it be the other way around?) I don't know. What was this weirdo going to do with those two things, and why did he think a seventeen year old kid with no ID had a cigar on hand in a public place where there were police officers right out there in plain sight? But whatever, I'm thinking too far into this. I do that sometimes....more times then not.......OK, all the time.

Well that's about it. I wish it was more exciting then that, but really all my day consisted of was going to purchase and subsequently watch a movie. That's it. I don't have some sort of snappy ending for this with a satirical pun or anything. Just THE END.

Myspace Blog #6- Congratulations! You've just won fucking nothing!...

*I wrote this after I finally decided to click on one of those flashing signs on myspace that tell you that you have just won some big prize like a new cell phone or an x-box. What a fucking rip-off. And yes, I know that this blog post might just have the worst grammatical and punctuation errors of any I've ever written, so I actually went back and did a spell check on it so at least if I can't correct the punctuation, at least the grammar could be spruced up a bit. So fuck off! This post was written on May 4, 2006.

Well, it's time to put to rest the claims that you can get a "free*" (fill in the blank) if you beat a mini-game, correctly answer a question or just give your opinion on something... *With participation. Has anyone ever tried to claim the "free*" prize? Well one day out of curiosity I decided to see what it takes to try and claim my prize. I answered a question in which I actually didn't know the answer to and still don't know cause I was never told whether or not I answered the correctly! Anyway, using fake information I ventured out in search of my "free*" gift. The first challenge I faced in this cyberspace gauntlet was a barrage of questions asking me such things as "Would you be interested in learning how you could earn $20,000 for college?" when I clicked "yes" I was brought to a US Army recruiting site where there was a recruitment form waiting for me to fill out. I then went back and clicked "No" for two reasons... one: No way in hell am I'm joining the army and two: I couldn't waste time filling out some stupid recruitment form, I had a "free*" gift waiting for me! So I continued to fill out the stupid questions that they kept asking, usually answering "no" just to quicken the pace but when a question popped up that was obviously not going to require me filling out a form I'd pick "yes" so it didn't look so obvious that I was rushing ... so after ten to fifteen minutes I finished up with their questions and then it came time to sign over my soul! I got a page with a list of stuff and instructions that said I had to sign up for TWO of the offers on the list... the list ranged from book clubs to Columbia House Music and DVDs. So I picked the Cd's and the DVDs... two things I could rush through. Then when I was done I got another page exactly like the one I just filled out but this time I had to sign up for THREE of the offers... You can only get your "free*" gift after they have verified that you signed up for the various things on the list. Then eventually there was another page just like the previous two but this time it was SIX offers... you could see where this was going. Finally it looked like there was some light at the end of the tunnel when I started to get up to the final steps. I had to go to some page and once again sign up for something, I don't even remember what it was I was just curious to find out if I had actually done the impossible. So I click the link to sign up for the last of my requirements, it opened a form in a new window and I filled it out and when I was done with it I submitted it and that went to another page that dealt with the offer I had just signed up for and that was obviously not leading me anywhere near my "free*" gift so I went back to the first window which contained the link to my final requirement and there was nothing... no way for me to advance past that page without going to the form for my final requirement and after I fill out the final requirement form I was taken off the path to my "free*" gift! So there I was after nearly forty minutes I had hit a dead end... I had been lead into a position where I could not advance any further. So I had "signed" up for all of those offers and all of those CD, DVD and book clubs... had I used my real info and was serious about claiming my "free*" gift I would've been shafted on the gift and gotten stuck blowing money on Cd's and DVDs. It's a clever little scam they got going on... lead you think that all you have to do is answer a few questions, sign up for a few clubs and then you go and hit a Internet dead end and it's too late cause you already signed up for all those offers... sure you get a bunch of Cd's and DVDs for like $0.12 each but then you have to buy a bunch more at regular price... usual music and movie club nonsense... "free*" gift my ass! The gift that I was promised I would receive after I had completed all my requirements was an XBOX 360... figured try and get the biggest thing I could find. We've all seen the variety of things promised for a few minutes of your time and now we know it's all bullshit! The only thing that gets me is that some of the ads promise a "free*" ring tone *with participation.... come the fuck on.... are you kidding me? I haven't tried to see what it takes to get a "free*" ring tone but I just hope it's not like what I went through to try and get an XBOX. An XBOX is almost if not $500... How much is a ring tone? $1.00??? I remember there were websites where I was downloading ring tones to my phone for free! Anyway, I hope I've provided some insight into those annoying little ads that promise us this and promise us that... all they are are clever ways of getting you to sign up for a bunch of shit without giving you shit. I'm just doing my part to help expose these frauds for what they are and at the same time hoping to inspire some of you to go out there and expose whatever bullshit you may come across.

*Oh wait, before I go I almost forgot to let you guys in on that "big announcement" that I promised you yesterday. Well, the big announcement is that there are only two myspace blogs left. So what am I going to do on fridays after I post these last two myspace blogs? Well, thanks to the power of google and all of my wasted high school years, I've been able to get some pretty well known comedians and radio personalities to submit rants, complaints about life, and some observational humor that I will start to post every friday starting sometime in early April. Goodbye "Myspace Friday" and say hello to "Guest Blogger" Fridays!

More info to come this sunday during the "State of the Blog".

3/15/07- A knife's tale...

Today, after school when I was working out in the weight room, it had started out like any other Thursday afternoon. But then I found myself witness to one of the dumbest acts of accidental violence I had seen in a long time.

I had walked outside to get some air for a minute, when I noticed that my friend A***** was over a few yards away in the parking lot with what looked to me like his entire hand sliced open. Now let me backtrack and explain what happened to cause this bloody gash in A*****'s hand.

Him and this other guy, V**, were sitting in V**'s car with a group of my other friends when V** pulled out a knife and started poking people with the tip of it. Why? Because he claimed that the tip of the blade was not that sharp and he was just poking people to be annoying. So then he started to poke A*****, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is where the big, bloody shit hit the fan. A***** moved the wrong way and the blade sliced his hand. At first he thought that it had hit his chest, but luckily it was only his hand. His hand then started to bleed uncontrollably and there was so much blood that if you saw it you would have sweared that the entire top half of his arm had been sliced. They quickly rushed him into the bathroom and washed off his hand and he's going to be all right. Luckily the blade only grazed the skin and didn't cut that deep.

I think I can honestly say that it was the most exciting thing to happen at school in about three weeks. Thus capping off a day that was already kick ass due to the fact that we had learned seventh period that school will be closed tomorrow due to the impending snowstorm. I love this school, it closes for anything.

*Check back tomorrow for an all new revamped myspace blog and a special announcement.

3/14/07- If we had a black president...

With the 2008 presidential campaign in full swing, a lot of focus is being applied to senator Barack Obama. Who, if elected, would become the first African American president....sort of.

You see, Mr. Obama is only half black. A Halfrican American, if you will. He's no Wesley Snipes if you catch my drift. This means that he'll pretty much be not that much different than a regular old white president. I would love to see a highly stereotypical black president. Not because i'm a racist, but because I think it would really put America in perspective for a lot of people and make them look at their lives, and country, just a little bit more closly. Something like president Snoop, or even better, president Fitty (cent).

Could you imagine the first black president rolling up Pennsylvania avenue on his inauguration day in a pimped out Cadillac with spinning chrome rims and an all alligator skin leather interior? I could. There will be no greater day in our nation's history then when president Diddy is sworn in on a stack of Biggie albums while Grandmaster Flash works the DJ booth doing a remix of hail to the chief on the turntables. When we finally swear in a black president there will be no more democrats or republicans. Instead there will be the Biggie party, the Tupac party, and the Kanye West party(independents).

The only downside is that there would probably be some radical racist Klansman out there that would eventually assassinate the new black president. Which is why he must run his campaign with the promise of a Mexican vice president. Then I will guarantee that the Klansman won't try to pull any shit on the black president, unless they want to be stuck with open Mexican borders under the leadership of president Guillermo.

3/13/07- 1010 Steaks: all steak, all the time...

This might be the stupidest post I've ever written, but here goes nothing(literally).

Today in class me and my friends were trying to come up with as many bands as we could that we could superimpose the word steak into(it's an inside joke). Ex: Bruce Springsteen becomes Bruce Steaksteen. Stupid? Yes. But funny? Well I guess you'll be the judge of that. Here is a list of every name I could come up with:

The Steakles- The Beatles
WhiteSteak- WhiteSnake
Red Hot Steak and Peppers- Red Hot Chili Peppers
Green Steak- Green Day
Steak Buffet- Jimmy Buffet
Steak in Sauce- Alice in Chains
Michael Jacksteak- Michael Jackson
Steak- Prince
Cheap Steak- Cheap Trick
Three Steaks Down- Three Doors Down
Aerosteak- Aerosmith
All American Steakhouse- All American Rejects
Baresteaked Ladies- Barenaked Ladies
Audiosteak- Audioslave
Steaktallica- Metallica
Steak Sabbeth- Black Sabbeth
Dire Steaks- Dire Straits
Grand Steak Railroad- Grand Funk Railroad
Hoobasteak- Hoobastank
Jimmy Eat Steak- Jimmy Eat World
Nine Inch Steak- Nine Inch Nails
Panic at the Steak- Panic at the Disco
Steak Against the Machine- Rage Against the Machine
Three Days Steak- Three Days Grace
Steak Steak Steaks- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Blink 180 Steak- Blink 182

Steakmother- Wolfmother

Thank you for putting up with my idiocy. I promise you all a brand new, true to form, full length blog post tomorrow.

3/12/07- Sequel is a French word for juicing a dried fruit...

Why are there so many shitty sequels and prequels coming out these days? Have the production geniuses in Hollywood finally ran out of ideas?

Don't get me wrong here, I do enjoy a good sequel when it is done right. But lets be honest here, it seems as if 1 out of every 3 movies put out today are sequels. And on top of that they are sequels that nobody even asked for. Here are a few prime examples:



"Van Wilder 2: The rise of Taj". What the fuck? What film wizard was sitting in a board meeting one day and actually had the though going through his head of even making such a colossal piece of shit? Even though Van Wilder is absolutely nowhere to be found in the entire movie, they kept the name anyway. And on top of that they replaced him with his Indian sidekick Taj. Why? Why would someone ever green light this concept? It would be like making "Animal House 2" and getting rid of John Belushi and instead replacing him with the other fat delta frat brother from the first movie.



Speaking of movies without John Belushi, "Blues Brothers 2000" is another shining example of a sequel that a) never needed to be made in the first place, and b) made us all learn to hate John Goodman and hate Dan Akroyd even more. Why did they think that they could just replace Belushi with any old other portly rotund fat man? And Dan Akroyd could have said no to this project but instead decided that he needed to pay off a bank loan or a mortgage on his second home. That big sell out.



The last example I'll use for today is "Dumb and Dumberer". Now, to their credit, the producers were able to find two people that looked the part exactly and acted it to a tee. But, that doesn't excuse them from the fact that this was one of the shittiest prequels I've ever seen. You know your movie sucks when the only funny line in the whole movie is Bob Saget yelling the word shit a thousand times.

And the studios are still cranking out sequels, and even testing the waters and pressing their luck even further with sequels to sequels. Like "Shrek 3". Why? If I wanted to see a steaming pile of green shit I'd watch my neighbor's dog take a crap down a grassy knoll. End of story.

3/11/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week ending March 11, 2007:

Ladies and gentlemen, the state of the blog is hilarious and rich with positive feedback. With over 1,500 hits each day and over 12,000 hits a week on average, it seems as if this blog thing has really been catching on.

In case you were wondering what exactly the "State of the Blog" is, it is simply a weekly post that I will do each Sunday that addresses and answers some of your questions regarding different blog posts from the past week. Essentially recapping them and tying up a few loose ends.

Some of you may have noticed that there is no picture on Monday's post anymore. That is because I felt that that pic in question was a low-blow to that kid and should just be taken down to avoid any further trouble.

There have also been some people out there that have e-mailed me regarding the spelling of the word boogaloo in Thursday's blog title. I had originally posted it with the spelling "buogaloo" but have since changed it due to the realization that I had misspelled it. It's just sad to me that there are some people out there with enough free time on their hands to spend debating the spelling of the word boogaloo with an 18 year old kid.

And finally this week. Whoever kdog69 is, who is posting comments all the time, I just want to warn you that if you post anymore bullshit comments about C*******o and W****e then I will start deleting every comment you post from that point on.

See you all tomorrow with a brand new week of original blog postings.

3/10/07- Fitzy talks taxes, 300, and of course, Tom Brady, in this weeks "Wicked Pissah Webcast"...

This weeks edition is like a big Boston buffet of brilliance. Filled with hilarity, satire, and a hearty serving of gofuckyaself! Also, be sure to check out www.townienews.com for everything Fitzy. Including original blogs, radio interviews, and archived webcasts from past weeks. Enjoy.

Myspace Blog #5: I hate school dances...

*I wrote this blog post after getting really annoyed with talk of the (then) upcoming school "Sea Wave" dance. I though I should dust this one off and present it to you now because with this years "Sea Wave" to take place next week, it just feels like perfect timing. This post was written on August 13, 2006.

With senior year just on the horizon and many school functions on the way, can somebody please explain to me why I should go to a school dance?





Every time I tell some random kid who asked me about it in school that I am not going to a school dance, they look at me like i'm insane. "You don't want to go to the dance?" They say. "But why?" Well, for all of those people who have asked in the past and for those who will in the future, here are some reasons why:

There's no way in hell that i'm going to shell out 30 hard earned dollars of my money, that I earn by lifting stoves and dishwashers into people's houses, just so I can have the esteemed privelidge to get to stand in a room full of spoiled over privelidged teenagers who consist of guidos and wannabe gangsters, and be so lucky as to get to hear the same techno beat blasting into my eardrums the entire night. Yes folks, while people in this country go hungry each night, others spend their obviously much valued time picking out what thousand dollar outfit(that nobody will even give a shit about) they should ask their daddy for, and wear to this most important of events. Why would anyone who even has one ounce of respect for me even ask me if I was thinking about attending a school dance. I only hate a few things in life, dance music(because it's just manufactured garbage), guidos, and people who feel the need to fit in to a certain trend(see guidos). And the very notion of a school dance contains all 3.

3/8/07- Random thoughts 2: Electric Boogaloo...

Yeah, I know. I said I was only going to make this a monthly thing. Then why am I doing two of these in the same month? Because I like my readers and listen to their every suggestion? Because I'm kick starting this feature with a bonus edition for this month only? Nah. I'm just fucking bored and can't think of any major topic to write about. Just think of this as a bunch of mini-blogs. Like mini-pizzas but twice as delicious.

Ready....Begin!

* Is it considered a drinking problem when you refer to beer as: pain go bye bye juice?

* Would Guns & Roses have had the same impact if it were called: Guns & Lilac?

* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

* Well, we're officially out of black history month. So to celebrate, I now present you with a classic black joke. What's the difference between a pizza and a black guy? A pizza can feed a family of four. Ha Ha. You blacks are alright, real good sports. But watch out puerto ricans, because you're next. And by the way. If I find the dirty spik who's been stealing my hubcaps, I'll stab that motherfucker right in his webos. capiche?

* Jesse Jackson is NOT the emperor of black people.

* In the immortal words of Vanilla Ice: "To the extreme I rock the mic like a vandal, Light up the stage and wax a chump like a candle".

* Eddie Murphy is to Charlie Murphy as Rick James is to M.C. Hammer....Think about it.

* Oxy-Moron # 472: Clown College.

* If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it fall, then who really gives a shit?

* Why is the show "Friday Night Lights" on Tuesday nights? Why not show "Saturday Night Live" on Mondays or "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" on mid days while you're at it?

THE END....OR IS IT?

3/7/07- Day of renewal...

Today is a great day. Why? Because today is the sophomore day of renewal. Today only the sophomores go to school, so I have off. At this "day of renewal" what happens is the students who go must go to different classrooms for forty minutes each and watch different presentations. The theme for sophomore year is abortion, what fun. I can tell you that I recall my sophomore day of renewal very well. It was quite possibly the single creepiest day of school I've ever been a part of.

One of the presentations was this really creepy preacher who claimed to have influenced thousands of teenagers "just like us" that abortion was wrong and should not be preformed under any circumstance, including abuse and rape. Yeah right. So a twelve year old girl gets raped and can't get an abortion because some creepy guy in a suede vest and a thin moustache told her not to? Bullshit!

But the worst part about the day was when we saw the presentation by this extremely creepy woman with the fattest kankles any of us had ever seen. She started out by acting like the nicest, sweetest person you had ever met. But then, out of absolutely nowhere, she started talking about how during a partial birth abortion they take the baby out almost all the way and then stab it in the head with forceps and kill it before removing various baby parts with clamps and scissors. But that wasn't the creepiest part. The creepiest part was when she showed a video of this procedure being done. I just threw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it.

So, good luck to all of the sophomores in school right now. You'll need it. Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to go throw up now.

3/6/07- Bad parenting? or Hilarious child abuse?...

I was walking around the mall yesterday when I saw one of the funniest, most random things in quite some time. There was a father walking with his four year old son. The son kept saying(saying, not yelling) "I have to wipe my nose. I have to wipe my nose." The kid kept saying this about twenty different times before the father finally snapped, grabbed the child by the arms and yelled:

"You wipe your fucking nose right fucking now! I've had it up to here with this shit! You'd better wipe your fucking nose right now and shut the hell up before I throw you off of this fucking balcony!"

Whoa! This guy was fucking nuts. Needless to say, everyone within a two mile radius of the mall was now staring at this guy. But he didn't even seem to care. All he cared about was making sure that his son wiped his nose, like any good father would.......or else he would throw him off of a balcony.

The ultimate question in all of this: Bad parenting or hilarious child abuse? You decide.

3/5/06- This aint a scene, it's a goddamn time waste...

Talk about wanting a period to go by fast today. 5th period religion just would not end quick enough. You see, our teacher was out today and we had a substitute insted. So that means that we did nothing and fooled around all period. I was just quietly writing shit in my notebook and getting some homework done so that I would'nt have to do it at home.(not that I was planning on doing it at home anyway, as oppose to doing it in homeroom as I have always done) And while I was doing this, some asshole behind me was throwing papers at me. Yeah, it was pretty annoying, but I did'nt even waste my time acknowledging him at first. But then he started in with bigger pieces of paper and even a pencil. Then I suddenly snapped. I turned around, grabbed his tie, pulled him towards me, and told him to stop.(I actually was'nt yelling at him either. I simply just said in a calm voice to stop throwing papers at me.) Suprisingly this tactic of mine had worked. There was only one problem.......Now when I turned back around in my seat the entire room, including the teacher, was staring at me. I don't know if I should feel embarassed that they were all looking at me or proud that they all saw me shut some douchebag up. Luckily though, this whole incident did help pass the time and ultimately made an otherwise boring day go by a hell of alot quicker. It also helped that someone who will remain nameless cursed out my english teacher right before english class was over later that day. I think his exact words were: "I don't care about your fucking class anymore. Jesus fucking christ."

3/4/07- State of the Blog...

State of the Blog for the week ending March 4, 2007:

I've found out over the past few weeks that sundays are pretty fucking boring. There's really not much to blog about. So insted of blogging about the usual hilarious outlooks and anicdotes on different aspects of my life, I have decided to designate sunday "state of the blog" day. Where i'll recap the past week and let you all in on some suedo-interesting stuff that is going on in my life right now. The "state of the blog" pretty much ties in with and completes the theme of "specialty blogs" on the weekends. This also allows me to harness and save all of the great original material for the weekdays and then present you all with interesting recurring posts on the weekends. These would include:

A new "revamped" myspace blog on fridays.

A new Fitzy webcast on saturday mornings.

And now a new "State of the Blog" address on sundays.

Also, I know that some of you have been wondering what i'm going to do for fridays once the myspace blogs run out in mid-april. Well, while I can't give anything away just yet. I can tell you that it will involve special guest bloggers. More info to come regarding THAT later this month.

GOD BLESS THE INTERNET

3/3/07- Fitzy's two part *live* stand up set in Hoboken last night...

Fitzy was in Hoboken last night and filmed his first live comedy set of 2007. In it he talks about Boston-New York relations, the Sox, the fakhin olive gahden, and uh..oh yeah, movies. It is broken up into two seperate clips each roughly seven minutes in legnth. Enjoy and GO FUCK YOURSELVES 2X.

Part 1:


Part 2:


And remember to visit: www.townienews.com for more Fitzy content, including archived webcasts, original blogs, and radio clips.

Myspace Blog #4- Gift cards...

*I wrote this post because it really pisses me off when people get you a gift card from a cheap place like McDonalds for your birthday or other event like that. Giving someone a cheap gift card for their birthday is like saying: I don't fucking care about you. This post was written on December 27, 2005.

I know that gift cards are big thing for the holidays but what the hell is up with a McDonalds gift card? Best Buy, yes.... FYE, yes.... Home Depot, sure why the hell not.... McDonalds, HELL NO! If you give someone a McDonalds gift card your pretty much saying that while your ass was out getting lunch you realized you still had to get some unlucky bastard a gift (birthday, christmas.. whatever) and while you were on line waiting for your double quater pounder with cheese you looked over and saw that now McDonalds has gift cards! Wow! A McDonalds gift card... what a great idea for a present... no.... it is not a good gift idea. In fact I'm positive that if someone gives you a McDonalds gift card they're probably trying to kill you or they want you dead. That's all that eating McDonalds is going to do to you.... kill you... well that and empty your wallet. So all of you out there thinking of giving some unfortunate soul a McDonalds gift card please think again... and if you must don't be cheap about it and give the five dollar card... five dollars at McDonalds isn't buying anything except maybe an apple pie.

3/1/07- Random thoughts...

I'm in school right now and really bored, so to curb this boredom and also to help the time pass, i'm going to make a list of any and most random weird thoughts that just happen to come into my head until the end of the period. Ready......Begin!

*Black people got shafted on their cultural history month. They have the shortest one with only twenty eight days. Us white people try to make up for this by giving them an extra day every four years.

*Man, I need a date for the prom. Somehow I don't think that my invisible girlfriend will do. Mostly because she'll be out of town because she has to go to her cousin's confirmation up in pennsylvania that weekend.

*The Irish potato famine was such bullshit. Why did'nt they just eat a different vegetable insted? Those people must have been really picky with their food if they allowed millions of themselves to die just because they did'nt want to try a cucumber or an ear of corn.

*I hate it when(as a big guy like myself) you are standing, at like a party or something, and there is a plate of snacks or donuts or something, and while you are contemplating eating some of it, a skinny person says something like: Whats the matter, just eat the donut if your hungry, I don't see what the big deal is. Those kinds of people don't get it because they don't sympethise with fat guy problems. It starts with the donut, and then eventually i'm killing hookers and cops. It's a vicious cycle.

*Could God make a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?

*Would crack be considered so bad and immoral if it were called "crackle"? Then we would have the crackleheads. Magical creatures that we could tell our grandkids about. Who were the crackleheads? The crackleheads shine your shoes while your sleeping. Why is the sky blue? Because the crackleheads painted it blue. What else are they gonna do? They're up all night from doing crackle.

END OF PERIOD.